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Is this normal 'protection' or is it control?

(105 Posts)
Whitecup Sat 08-Nov-14 19:19:41

I'm so confused and could really do with some impartial advice! My dh has always been very controlling financially and emotionally but things seem to have got so much worse lately. I was a sahm for 4 years. He gave me money each month but it was nowhere near enough to support 2dcs. Without going too much into it he'd give me £200 a month and I'd be expected to do all the food shopping, insure and run my car and buy clothes for the children. He would give me extra but I would have to ask and explain why and make it difficult. He is a high earner (six figure salary) but said this is all he could afford to give me I knew it wasn't but I was grateful he provided us with such a wonderful home and comfortable life. I decided I couldn't take it anymore, that I needed to break the cycle and started back at work about 8 months ago and since he's been a nightmare. He's told me that the dcs are suffering (I work school hours and drop them off and do pick up every night), for the first time ever I asked dh if he could pick the Dcs up from school so I could go to a meeting. Now he's saying I'm jepodising his career and everything that enables us our lifestyle and that he's going to have to leave his job. He keeps telling me that the dcs are ill and need a day off school so I have to take time off work (I haven't because they are fine but he makes me feel dreadful). Now he's asked me if I'm having an affair with someone at work. I've found myself lying to avoid being questioned. I don't know what to do- I feel like I'm going insane. He's away all the time with work. This month he's been away 3 weeks but every weekend he's gone out for a day with his friends. I feel like such a mug but every time I tell him he's been desperately unfair he says it's me and how lucky I am to have what I have. I'm so confused am I really just ungrateful??? I'm so tempted to give up my job but I couldn't bear to go back to having no money and no independence. He says he knows he's controlling but that he wants to protect me. How do I change this?

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Sat 08-Nov-14 19:21:29

How do you change it?

You get rid of him. And find your independence. And get yourself chasing him via CSA or whatever they're called for every penny your kids are entitled to.

Read back what you've written - what would you tell a friend? He's an arse.

Humansatnav Sat 08-Nov-14 19:24:15

This is abuse. Get support. He is a twat.

Mostlyjustaluker Sat 08-Nov-14 19:25:33

I think you know the answer. You even say your post that he has always been financially and emotionally controlling.

AnyFucker Sat 08-Nov-14 19:25:46

He will never accept he is being unfair and he is Grade A abuser

Don't try to "manage" this...start investigating how to exit your marriage with the best financial outcome for yourself and dc as possible

See a solicitor ASAP

LadyLuck10 Sat 08-Nov-14 19:25:54

Do not leave the job. Don't.
What you need to do is leave this abusive man. Leave the abusive man.

RandomMess Sat 08-Nov-14 19:29:17

Yep it's abuse through and through. Time to file for divorce.

Joysmum Sat 08-Nov-14 19:30:23

This is abuse on so many levels.

In contrast to you, we have a 6 figure income between us and equal claim to disposable income. I've never been short of cash as a SAHM and am only retraining to go back to work because I want to. It'll make DH's life harder as he'll need to do more to pick up slack but he supports whatever I want. That's very different to your situation.

minklundy Sat 08-Nov-14 19:30:44

Ltb. Get maintenance.

There is nothing in your op that suggests the two of you have anything other than a financial rs and it is a financial arrangement he is using to control you. He has been right royally taking the piss while you were sahm.

it will get worse.

Well done for getting back into working.

Whitecup Sat 08-Nov-14 19:31:27

Everyone says he's so lovely. My family think he's amazing. He is a fabulous dad when he's here I just can't help but feel if everyone else thinks he's so wonderful that it's not just me.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Sat 08-Nov-14 19:32:22

Everybody else isn't living with him.

They aren't seeing the real him.

MrsHathaway Sat 08-Nov-14 19:32:34

£200/month for groceries is what people budget for who are on a quarter of his salary, and that's without clothes and car.

Even an au pair would cost him more than that, and she wouldn't provide nearly as much childcare.

He resents your having a life. He doesn't like your seeing other adults because they'll show you how normal lives go on.

What does he think he's protecting you from? If he is serious then he has some major anxiety issues.

Whitecup Sat 08-Nov-14 19:33:27

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I think you're right I think I do know I just feel so confused I don't want to split my family up

Vivacia Sat 08-Nov-14 19:34:24

Everyone else isn't subject to his controlling behaviour. Don't mistake charm for kindness.

It's not you, it's him. You're not lucky, you're being abused. He's not protecting you, he's controlling you.

I don't think he's wonderful, it's not just you.

Humansatnav Sat 08-Nov-14 19:35:00

Yes, abusers often charm other people. Do these family members know he is financially abusive to you ?

Whitecup Sat 08-Nov-14 19:39:19

I ran up a credit card bill of about £5k over 3yrs (food, kids, clothes etc). I felt so stupid but I was so fed up of going cap in hand. My mum and grandma found out and paid it off for me because I was so scared he'd find out and leave me. So yes they know.

Vivacia Sat 08-Nov-14 19:40:54

Yet they still think he's amazing? confused

lemisscared Sat 08-Nov-14 19:42:53

Get away from him.

Justwhateverreally Sat 08-Nov-14 19:44:56

All these people who think he's so wonderful, do they know about the money situation? Of not, tell them. Be open, don't keep his secrets for him.
See what they think of him then. Bet you they're not such fans anymore.

highkickindandy Sat 08-Nov-14 19:46:48

Keep your job. If ever you decide to leave, either now or in the future, some sort of financial independence will be such a good start for you, not just for the money but for the self esteem and social contact outside the marriage and family.

Whitecup Sat 08-Nov-14 19:49:27

I feel so stupid

AnyFucker Sat 08-Nov-14 19:51:53

Feeling "stupid" will keep you there, frozen

Never mind that, take action based on what you know now

wigglybeezer Sat 08-Nov-14 19:54:26

You are trapped in a gilded cage, but it's still a cage.

SilentAllTheseYears Sat 08-Nov-14 19:57:52

He sounds pretty controlling to me sad
I'd leave while you feel like this and not wait for it to get worse. I made the mistake of staying until he'd destroyed me and he decided to leave because I was 'no fun'

BendyBusBuggy Sat 08-Nov-14 19:58:35

Maybe they are being polite and don't want to hurt your feelings? People usually don't say to someone's face what they really think of their partner. You might be surprised how many people know what he is like. And even if they don't, it's about how you feel!
I would tell him how you feel though, before doing something more drastic. Maybe he doesn't know how you feel?

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