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Bitter, twisted and angry - leaving a H with NPD

(43 Posts)
suspiciousandsad Sat 08-Nov-14 19:01:55

I think H has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I prefer the term cunt myself. Except cunts are nice, with warmth and depth and actually have a good purpose in the world.

Many moons ago I posted on here about what a sleazy, cheating husband he is. I didn't leave. I wasn't ready, we had only just got married, moved to a new city 200 miles away, the children were small and the whole situation was compromising my mental health.

4 years on I am stronger and showing him the door. He still doesn't get it. "Aren't you over that yet?" and 'We both need to work at this' "We both need trust" "I need affection, and you aren't giving me any" and other such classics in the collection.

He admitted to sleeping with a couple of prostitutes, chasing women at work, god only knows what else. We all know that they only admit to a fraction of the crime anyway.

He's told me he 'curbed his narcissism for 7 years'. We've been together 14. Married for 4. He met someone on his stag go. he stayed in touch. Apparently she is STILL in touch. He had a 'thing' with a stranger in the street. oh I could go on. He has told me he is 'scared of getting old, of not being a player'. He is a 50 yo father of 4.

Do you get the picture?

Meerka Sat 08-Nov-14 19:29:10

It sounds like you are absolutely doing the right thing!

Good luck

RandomMess Sat 08-Nov-14 19:31:46

How can we help you smile

Drumdrum60 Sat 08-Nov-14 20:15:17

Scared of not being a player? He really said that? What a knob. Sounds like MLC as well. God knows what he's been up to . Yuk.

You are doing the right thing.

lucjam Sat 08-Nov-14 20:17:18

He sounds like an utter turd. When does he leave?

Pantstootight Sat 08-Nov-14 20:23:45

I had a lucky escape from an ex narc several years ago and found this forum very useful.
It helped me understand that I wasnt the crazy one even though he tried to make me feel that way

www.lisaescott.com the path forward. Surviving the narcissist

Jolleigh Sat 08-Nov-14 20:24:42

'Cunt' is certainly the better term here.

FabULouse Sat 08-Nov-14 20:31:09

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

suspiciousandsad Sat 08-Nov-14 22:02:03

Thank you.

I absolutely fucking hate him.

winkywinkola Sat 08-Nov-14 22:09:31

I hope he is out of your life soon.

He sounds like an utter knobber.

NickiFury Sat 08-Nov-14 22:10:07

shock I could have written your post right down to the random encounter with a stranger. Same "aren't you over this by now?" while continuing to behave in exactly the same way and giving me lots of new stuff to despise him for day after day.

I absolutely hate my ex too to the point that I cannot even be in the same room as him. It's sad for the dc but better than me losing control in front of them.

suspiciousandsad Sat 08-Nov-14 23:15:54

How do you do it?

I can barely look at him. If he read your post he'd say "see? It's not just me, it's NORMAL" as though I was the mad one.

We had a lovely evening out with our boys tonight. It's all a massive lie.

We are civil, and I haven't punched him.

Learning about NPD has helped me massively as I can label it and know it's him, not me. I'm not perfect but I can look myself in the eye and say, hand on heart, "I did my best". I try really fucking hard and I am a good person. I don't fucking deserve his pathetic shit.

duckwalk Sat 08-Nov-14 23:59:25

Congratulations on coming to your senses and gathering the courage to leave.

Smukogrig Sun 09-Nov-14 00:02:37

my x has npd, it was really hard getting away from him.

Tell him you're not good enough for him, that he deserves more because you don't love him and he deserves more wink

if you do what i did and try to win his approval and understanding for having left him............. you'll be chasing your tail for years.

NickiFury Sun 09-Nov-14 00:24:58

He told me that he treated me like he did because I was such a difficult person. He used the fact that my Mum was physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child as evidence that "no one can get along with you, not even your own Mum".

I don't think he has NPD, I actually think he's a sociopath. I know it takes extensive medical diagnosis blah blah blah but there's no other answer for how awful he was towards me. All the things you say in your OP and much more but I would rather not share them on here. Suffice to say there were things he did that actually put our children and I in actual life risking situations.

It's at the point now that he can't even say anything innocuous without me being so heightened towards him that I go immediately to fight mode and on the verge of flying at him, so I can't see him anymore. Even at handover I leave the dc at his front door and watch from the path or car that they get inside. Luckily we've been split up a long time and are finally divorcing but even that isn't easy. He refuses to get a solicitor and won't respond to mine.

All my friends are family are frustrated and say "just divorce him ffs!" But how can you divorce a man who will not cooperate like this? I finally have him pinned down to an address for paperwork and he tells me he is moving in a couple of weeks but doesn't know where!

Honeycrumb Sun 09-Nov-14 00:47:20

It's great that you have armed yourself with knowledge of NPD and worked out what's been going on. If he's true to the profile, he's a parasite — who needs that? The fact that you're angry is great because there's very little chance that you'll let him reattach himself to you, despite his charm and wily ways.

Ignoring an NPD and never agreeing with their inflated view of themselves is one of the best ways to get rid of them. Once he's lost his adoring audience, he'll be compelled to sucker a new one. Sounds like he's possibly found one already.

I've known people who have left NPDs and afterwards realised how they internalised the constant 'put downs' from them as real faults in themselves. NPDs are really good at making other people feel like shit for not doing enough for them whilst never being of any use themselves — they always tip the scales to favour themselves. Well done for seeing through all his crap and stay strong!

RandomMess Sun 09-Nov-14 07:24:24

Anything we can do to help, let us know. Even if it's just to vent we wiill be here waving the poms poms as you get closer to freedom and reminding you it's him, alllllll him flowers

suspiciousandsad Sun 09-Nov-14 08:11:36

Thank you. Thank you, I mean that. Waking up and seeing your messages has been both emotional and a tonic.

We had a lovely evening last night, because we are a loving, tight family. He just happened to be there. His presence makes little difference.

It's great to know I have support. I de-registered for a while and you've made it really good to be back. Thank you.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 09-Nov-14 08:49:01

Sounds like he's possibly found one already

Rather more than one, by the sound of it!

Zazzles007 Sun 09-Nov-14 09:43:40

Leave that narcissistic piece of shit, get therapy for the bitterness and anger, move on with your life, and don't look back! My narc was my mother, and oh so difficult to leave, but leave her I did. I am no contact with my parents (who both have personality disorders), and you can have a wonderful life away from your narc H. Believe me, that great life is waiting for you on the other side of that door marked 'Divorce'.

daisychain01 Sun 09-Nov-14 10:08:54

You sound like a person who has so much to give, you are strong and civilised for the sake of your DCs. He does not deserve you but he will never know that, because people like him never do.

We are here to wave the pom-poms and give any guidance you may need as you work towards a better future. Take care!

LumpySpacedPrincess Sun 09-Nov-14 10:17:37

What practical steps have you taken to end the relationship? How are you set up financially? Make an appointment to see a solicitor. Start to tell family and friends, this will strengthen your resolve. Keep posting. smile

suspiciousandsad Sun 09-Nov-14 12:30:27

I've seen a solicitor and booked mediation for next week. I've also booked Relate for us both. It'll be interesting to hear what he says in that situation, and to have a third party input. Because he tells me I'm over-reacting, etc etc.

I've found a few flats and houses for him to look at. He's off tomorrow so it'll be interesting to see what happens. If he insists on selling our home to buy two, I'll insist he goes into rented in the meantime. He can afford to buy his own place.

He earns an excellent salary (his money). He gives me a small allowance, I have a part time job and I still get Child Benefit (at the time that was my only independent source of money). He refused to put me on a joint account, so could easily screw me over with one phone call to the bank. He is generous and pays for everything for the children/home, but I always have to ask.

I'm getting all the jobs around the house done now, the leaky roof, buying everything which we need, getting the car serviced, making sure all payments are made etc etc. Ducks in a row and all that.

suspiciousandsad Sun 09-Nov-14 12:31:51

I've told a few of my friends, and one mutual friend. I can't tell anyone else until we've told the children, and I don't want to do that until we have a date for him to leave. I think it would be too confusing as he is away so much anyway.

I love it when he's not here. We have such a lovely time just the five of us.

Castlemilk Sun 09-Nov-14 12:37:46

Do you have details of all his earnings, pension etc?

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