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EA oh can they change or another trick to keep us together

(13 Posts)
Princessinthetower Sat 08-Nov-14 18:32:34

Married 29 years.
H is controlling, jealous, verbally abusive at times.
Have tried Relate counselling.
Came to a head in the summer and I told him I can't take this anymore.
Almost overnight he swears he has changed. And he has. But I don't believe it can be genuine.
Some of the things he has never done before.
It's as if I'm living with a stranger.
We are still in the same house with our grown up dc 2. Sep rooms for 2 years.
He has gone from one extreme to the polar opposite. Just unrecognisable.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I am in limbo. I don't know whether I just feel sorry for him. We have been together for ever and I'm scared of change.
Of making the wrong decision.
He hasn't treated me well in the past. He thought that I would always be around for him. But I'm tired of it all.
Please tell me what you would do.

ouryve Sat 08-Nov-14 18:36:14

I'd take him to the doctor's.

It's highly unlikely that the change is permanent.

Quitelikely Sat 08-Nov-14 18:52:19

I think the damage has been done already. You have lost respect for him and do not trust that his behaviour is genuine.

Please don't waste another second of your life on this nasty, cruel man. He does not deserve you.

Annarose2014 Sat 08-Nov-14 19:02:28

So why couldn't he have been like this for the past twenty years?

Answer: Cos he couldn't be arsed being all that nice to you.

Thats a long time to think someone isn't worth your efforts. Almost makes you wonder if this is all an act, no?

Princessinthetower Sat 08-Nov-14 19:02:56

I don't know how to go about ending my marriage. I feel responsible for him. And I'm scared. I have suffered from depression in the past and am worried that it will return and spiral out of control.
I just feel so useless.

dadwood Sat 08-Nov-14 23:15:15

Are there some friends and family that you could prime so that they are ready to support you if you decide to leave?

If I decided to leave a long term relationship, I would make sure that there were people available to give me support while I adjust to the new arrangement.

Princessinthetower Sat 08-Nov-14 23:34:08

It seems that everyone is waiting for me to leave him. I have given him so many chances to make our marriage work.
My family and friends have been very supportive. And they have listened to me throughout my whole marriage. I have been saying the same things.
They all say the same. There isn't a single one saying give him another chance.
It's me.
Why do I feel as if it's my fault. That I am responsible.
I feel responsible.
I know my thoughts are running wild.
I hate the thought of him suffering. I don't want to hurt him.
I don't know how to practically move forward

dadwood Sat 08-Nov-14 23:43:56

Living with somebody who is controlling gradually changes your thoughts and makes you feel responsible for what you are not responsible for because you will have been told so many times that it is all your fault.
Emotionally abusive people seek to deflect the responsibility for their own behavior onto others. It will take time to come to terms with this and deprogram yourself from taking the blame.
Don't discount your own suffering.

dadwood Sat 08-Nov-14 23:48:37

If one partner no longer wants the relationship, it should still be stopped, no matter what the transitional pain is for the other one.

AnyFucker Sun 09-Nov-14 14:45:33

Have a read about codependency OP

I think you will find yourself in there. The only way to change things in situations like this is to change your own approach to them. Otherwise you will still be here in 10 years time, complaining about the same things.

Fallandfly Sun 09-Nov-14 14:56:58

Mine did this. Complete 360. I think he genuinely realised it was breaking point. We struggled on for months after but I was always waiting for him to revert. He didn't but it didn't matter. I had detached and realised I couldn't forget no matter if he was never abusive again. We split up and I too had the sense of responsibility for him -still do to a degree as it broke him and he's a shadow of who he was. I feel guilty and awful that it happened but I also feel huge relief and freedom. Only you know what you can tolerate and how you want your life to be, there is no easy answer. Sometimes you have to be brave - whatever that means to you.

Princessinthetower Mon 10-Nov-14 07:59:36

I think it would be best for us if I had some space. I'm thinking I should ask him to move out. But I'm scared that once I start that conversation he will be able to talk me round

Princessinthetower Mon 10-Nov-14 08:00:38

Fallandfly - how did you go about splitting up

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