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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Leave or stay

(16 Posts)
SputnikSweetheart01 Sat 08-Nov-14 11:40:41

Together 7 yrs. 3 very dear children. Thinking of fourth. I m a capable professional who works full time. I love DH but I am feeling exhausted by his moodiness. He has always been this way. Very charming 70% of time and a bit irritable 30%. When we go to family functions I am a nervous wreck, hoping he won't say anything rude or cruel to someone I love. Often he is life and soul but the unpredictability leaves me drained. DC adore him and he is very good with them. He is very sweet to me almost always. Though when he is irritable I get snarled at sad I am very sensitive to snarling! And am desperate to avoid a tense household where I walk on eggshells and otherwise behave like a doormat. I would be fine on my own. The kids would be devastated.

What should I do?

rumred Sat 08-Nov-14 12:04:27

have you talked? is he aware how bad his behaviour is and how it cannot but damage his children?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 08-Nov-14 12:31:53

Do not bring a forth child into this whatever you do going forward.

Womens Aid is an organisation whom I suggest you contact asap as well as a Solicitor to get the ball rolling re separation.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here and what do you think they are learning from you both about relationships?. Both of you are doing your fair bit to impart damaging lessons to these young people because you're showing them this behaviour is (currently at least) acceptable to you and this is how women behave around men in relationships. Walking on eggshells, well you might as well have written living in fear because that is what is really happening here. If you really do want to avoid a tense household then you need to get rid of the male millstone that is dragging you down head first into his pit. He only cares about his own self; the rest of you mean nothing to him.

You should not be settling for 70% "charming" and anyhow, how did you arrive at such a figure in the first place?. The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. I think such men actively set out to bring what they see as stronger and more capable women down with them, this is what is happening here. Men like your H hate women, all of them.

And no he is not good at all to your children if he is behaving so appallingly to you at home. Abusers too can be very plausible to those in the outside world but even here I am certain that some people are very worried about you.

If you would be fine on your own your children would be as well, they do not need to grow up to adulthood with a Dominator for a father who barks at you and in turn controls all the family. These children of yours will not thank you for staying should you decide to do so and could well wonder of you why you put this man before them.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 08-Nov-14 12:37:10

I would imagine as well that your children will also start to copy Dad's own behaviour in time and mimic yours as well if they are not already doing so. They may well be becoming super compliant here. He is an extremely damaging influence on your family unit, he will stop at nothing to make you and by turn his children all miserable.

I also think the children would feel more relieved than supposedly "devastated" if you were to separate. They pick up on the vibes that are in your home. Its not their fault or yours for that matter that your H has decided to declare his own private war on you. The responsibility for that here is all his.

Jux Sat 08-Nov-14 12:40:12

I think it's all been said.

Just to reiterate though, fgs don't bring another child into this mix.

SputnikSweetheart01 Sun 09-Nov-14 11:43:40

Sorry. I was a bit overwhelmed by the responses. Hard to explain my situation I think. DH not abusive. He is irritable at times and I find myself wary. Most times he is not irritable. I really love him sad.

Leaving because he is grumpy seems way over the top. Staying like this seems like the thin edge.

Here is an example. We were watching a panel show, having a glass of wine, kids asleep. Was all very nice. Then DH says "He did a very sweet family matters bit in the Guardian. You know he was married to Caroline Quentin." And I said "Benedict Cumberbatch?" And he just turned and snapped "No, not fucking Benedict Cumberbatch! Paul Merton! The one that was on the screen for fucking five minutes".

I just walked out. Is that couple banter? That seems awful to me sad

ChippingInAutumnLover Sun 09-Nov-14 11:51:50

Well, that depends. Did he actually say it in a nasty way or in a joking way? It's something I'd say, but while laughing. Totally different if he was actually angry.

SputnikSweetheart01 Sun 09-Nov-14 12:06:23

Not angry. Not laughing though. Annoyed I guess. Impatient that he had to explain what to him was so obvious.

SputnikSweetheart01 Sun 09-Nov-14 12:08:07

That seems like a silly example but it is the best example. Am I too sensitive? Or should I break up our family over these ongoing "misunderstandings". I totally accept the example makes both of is sound like a couple of twerps blushblush

minklundy Sun 09-Nov-14 12:15:17

The real test of whether this is normal grump or abuse is:
If you say later that was a bit unnecessary does he say yes you are right I am sorry. Or does he say blame you and duck responsibility.
Whose problem does he think it is?

Also do you feel unable to bring things up with him? (Making your partner to afraid to bring up contentious subjects is a way of getting their your way)

what would happen if you had said at the time - sorry I didn't know what you meant. No need to snap though?

I get quite irritable at times. But I realise it is me and apologise. my EA ex was frequently grumpy but it was never his fault.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 09-Nov-14 12:19:55

Sputnik

You are not being too sensitive at all. He has you now where he wants you i.e. cowering in fear of his next outburst.

re your comment:-

" DH not abusive. He is irritable at times and I find myself wary. Most times he is not irritable. I really love him".

Why do you think that your DH is not abusive?. Or is it preferable for you to think that he is not. You may love him but your love for him may really be an unhealthy co-dependency. His actions are not the actions of a loving man. Do you feel responsible for his moods and behaviours?. Do you think on some level that if you "behaved better" towards him he would not be this way towards you or your wider family?.

"Leaving because he is grumpy seems way over the top. Staying like this seems like the thin edge."

He is not just being grumpy here is he; he is likely not all sweetness and light to those in the outside world either. He is using his moods to control you all.

Its not the only poor example of behaviour you have given us. You have described his unpredictability as leaving you drained, you're frightened of him saying awful stuff at family functions and are desparately trying to avoid a tense household where you walk on eggshells (also known as living in fear) and being a doormat.

"Here is an example. We were watching a panel show, having a glass of wine, kids asleep. Was all very nice. Then DH says "He did a very sweet family matters bit in the Guardian. You know he was married to Caroline Quentin." And I said "Benedict Cumberbatch?" And he just turned and snapped "No, not fucking Benedict Cumberbatch! Paul Merton! The one that was on the screen for fucking five minutes".

I just walked out. Is that couple banter? That seems awful to me".

It is awful and its not healthy couples banter at all, its not even banter. There was no need for him to swear twice either, its an over the top reaction on his part. BTW are both his parents of a similar nature, they likely are.

SputnikSweetheart01 Sun 09-Nov-14 12:20:14

He apologises. He often blames extreme fatigue. I can bring it up but am sick of bringing it up.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 09-Nov-14 12:20:32

I would read up on emotional abuse Sputnik.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours are being met here?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 09-Nov-14 12:21:48

I reckon he does not at all make any allowances for any tiredness you may have. You are but an appendage to his high and mighty existence.

His extreme tiredness is an excuse and a poor one at that. That does also not account for you being frightened of him saying awful stuff at family functions.

SputnikSweetheart01 Sun 09-Nov-14 12:29:24

Atilla I guess I don't think it is abusive because he does not try to control me in other ways. He is also loving and supportive most times and genuinely. For example if I cook DH says to DC "we are so lucky to have your beautiful mummy cook for us! She is the best cook!" He tells me I am smart all the time. Etc etc

Yes. His father and brother like this. His mother, who I a adore, defers to him but winks behind his back. I don't really want to become that.

minklundy Sun 09-Nov-14 18:03:08

Have you told him it is a big enough issue for you to consider leaving?

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