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Trapped in Malaysia with a 3 month old help!

(46 Posts)
thinginpink Sat 08-Nov-14 10:58:31

Me and my partner have a business together we have just flown out for the first time to malaysia with our 3 month old baby for work. Because I've just given birth and baby is very young im staying at the apartment with baby whilst my partner goes to work. We've just hired a lady to come out with us to help with work as I usually help my partner but is difficult with baby. She seemed very nice at first but is being overly nice to my partner and not so nice to myself. My partner is having a bond with her which is natural but spending a bit too much time with her out and about whilst we're left at home. I'm feeling abandoned inside this apartment with my tiny baby whilst they're having a fantastic time. Baby isn't dealing with the heat and I can't go out for more than an hour per day as she gets overheated with the tropical heat. They're also going into the rainforest together for work on an expedition in a few days leaving me and baby totally alone for a week. The lady is staying in the apartment with us so have no space whatsoever. I feel like I've been replaced by her and she also keeps saying things like "I sleep with my friends all the time" which makes me feel very uncomfortable to say the least!!! Anyway I've talked this through with my partner and he's being understanding but a bit defensive. I do trust him but not her.

I feel like I didn't think this through at all i feel really silly. I feel like I'm a bad mum as baby isn't happy with the heat but I didn't want to seperate our new little family because of work.

I have two options either :

- I go home back to the UK where I have loved ones who can support me and baby and wait till partner gets back. Baby will be happier and I will feel more settled but will miss my partner and worry a bit.

- or I can stay and get my partner's mum over to help with baby so I'm not alone and trapped. But baby will be still a bit unhappy due to the heat and I will still feel unsettled and worry because of this strange situation but won't miss my partner.

What should I do? Any other options? Need some mum advice!!! Thank you so much!

ArthurShappey Sat 08-Nov-14 11:04:56

How peculiar. Get the bloody lady out is what you need to do and then yes, get mil to come and help if you have a good relationship with her.

Do not worry about the heat, your baby will be fine. Malaysians have babies to, they are raised in the heat no problem.

Have you been assessed medically, could you be suffering pnd?

TheGonnagle Sat 08-Nov-14 11:05:28

Where are you in Malaysia? You need to post on the living overseas thread, I know there are mnetters in KL.
Don't worry too much about baby and the heat, babies are born over there all the time! You will both acclimatise, but you need to get out of the zircon for this to happen. Before 11 and after 5, get out and about.
You are not a bad mum, don't beat yourself up!
As far as the other woman goes, it doesn't sound good.

TheGonnagle Sat 08-Nov-14 11:05:57

And get your MIL out to help, and get shut of scary lady!

ArthurShappey Sat 08-Nov-14 11:06:59

Oh hang on, I thought the lady was hired to help you, not him. I've got the wrong end of the stick.

Have you discussed with your husband?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 08-Nov-14 11:19:58

You have more options that just two. One I would consider is finding this "lady" accommodation elsewhere. A couple with a baby living with another person, any other person, would cause difficulties. You can't be a proper couple, never mind a family with a stranger around your necks 24/7 with no separation between work/family and no privacy to speak of.

The other thing I would do is find someone to help you with the baby so you can contribute more to your partner/the business. If that needs to be your MIL, then so be it.

If you trust your partner and he understands how you feel then all is well.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 08-Nov-14 11:23:43

Bin her, hire a nanny and kick his butt.

RaisingMen Sat 08-Nov-14 11:30:40

This woman is ringing alarm bells with me. Get rid of her, then decide what you want to do about staying in Malaysia x

BertieBotts Sat 08-Nov-14 11:33:18

Look on facebook or meetup.com to see if you can find any expat groups near you, especially for mums with babies. It will make you feel 100x better to have company from people who understand.

I agree you should look for another help, not her, she sounds awful. Your DH should understand that this is a really fragile time of life for you.

marne2 Sat 08-Nov-14 11:34:59

I would go home, sounds like a nightmare situation to me, your baby is very young, you should be spending time as a family bonding with your child, if dh really can't do that then I would go home alone and be with family who can support you.

Thrholidaysarecoming Sat 08-Nov-14 11:36:28

WOW! Get that woman out!

If he isn't shagging her now he soon will be!

My friends mum and dad brought a bloody thai woman home to live with them and share their bloody bed. He now on live with the thai woman.

He will be her meal ticket of much poverty.

Going in to the fucking rain forest ? She is there to help you and the baby!

Get rid of her or get a bloody flight home!

Chandon Sat 08-Nov-14 11:37:36

This:

Bin her, hire a nanny and kick his butt.

Action required!

Vivacia Sat 08-Nov-14 11:55:22

Tell him she came on to you, asked you to leave him. Out of respect for your marriage and your love for him you will immediately tell her to leave.

hamptoncourt Sat 08-Nov-14 12:10:44

Deffo get rid of her.

If DH kicks off/refuses then you have your answer and you come home and see a solicitor.

Hopefully he will realise he has been a bit of a dick in refusing to accept your concerns and all will be well. Get him to hire a very nice looking male assistant grin

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 08-Nov-14 12:15:52

Your man is likely to be having an emotional affair with this woman under your very nose. This will likely soon become physical between the two of them.

Why on earth are they going to the rainforest together, is this woman an employee of yours or really his lover?. Boundaries here are being broken left, right and centre. Whatever the truth here, there is a complete lack of respect for both you and by turn your child. I would also argue that this relationship is well and truly over now.

Why do you still trust him, he has also allowed this to happen here.
I would get bloody angry with him actually now and not just once this other woman is out of your employ.

rookiemater Sat 08-Nov-14 12:38:00

Have you talked to your DH about your concerns and explained that you are uncomfortable with them going to the rainforest together?

Is your DH Malaysian? Is there any issues with leaving the country?

I think you'd be a lot happier at home. I remember really enjoying the 4-6 mth period when DS was old enough to smile and laugh and slept through the night but not old enough to crawl. It would be a shame to spoil that precious time in what sounds like a toxic environment but I do think you need to speak to your DH and let him know how you feel. Why is this woman living with you anyway, surely she doesn't need to in order to help you out?

So speak to your DH, but personally I'd do what suits you best at this point in time.

Vivacia Sat 08-Nov-14 13:06:47

Why do people keep asking if OP has spoken to her partner about this?

rookie would you really be a lot happier at home, enjoying the 4-6 mth period, knowing your husband and this woman were living together??

rookiemater Sat 08-Nov-14 13:13:04

I ask if the OP has spoken to her Dh about this, as if she hasn't then he may be blissfully unaware of her concerns. It is possible that once he is made aware he will either get rid of the woman or at the very least ask her to move elsewhere. Problem solved without any need to move country.

Vivacia - no I don't imagine the 4-6 month period will be blissful, but it may be preferable to be with friends and family, rather than in a foreign country with minimal support.

Vivacia Sat 08-Nov-14 14:31:21

But in the first post OP tells us that she has spoken to her husband and what his response was confused

jasper Sat 08-Nov-14 14:37:45

Have you or your husband spoken to the lady about crossing boundaries?

rookiemater Sat 08-Nov-14 14:41:44

Ok Vivacia I have re-read the OP and I see what you are saying.

However it sounds like she has said that she is uncomfortable with the woman, and he has agreed, but not that she has requested that anything specific be done about the situation.

I agree with you that it would be healthy for this woman to go, but I don't think lying about her coming on to the OP is a good way to do it.

LoopyLoopyLoopy Sat 08-Nov-14 14:43:34

How odd.

I'm in Malaysia but not really sure how I can help you.

Maybe take a look at IBU for some baby groups. Sounds like you're not keen on having a live-in maid. Youu don't have to have one, so maybe giver her her notice?

Vivacia Sat 08-Nov-14 14:44:21

Agreed rookie, that was tongue-in-cheek. I was flippantly pointing out how her husband should have reacted when they discussed it. I think he's wrong to dismiss her concerns and to plan a trip to the jungle with Miss I'm-Always-Sleeping-With-My-Friends.

LoopyLoopyLoopy Sat 08-Nov-14 14:50:49

Are you sure the 'sleeping with her friends' thing isn't entirely out of context? We have a Filipina helper, and her friend is our babysitter. If they stay over, they sleep together (same bed) out of choice. Our cleaners at work all sleep together in the same room.
Hell, a lot of expats here get their maids to sleep on mats in their maids' room, which is often a cupboard with a window. I doubt she's talking about shagging her mates.

ihatebats Sat 08-Nov-14 16:12:30

Sorry I'm really confused as well.

Are you saying you hired a maid once you got to Malaysia and now she is helping your husband instead of you?

Are they going to the rainforest together for 'work'' - if so you need to just come home and leave them to it as your dh is obviously a certain type (and completely disgusting) and do you want to be with someone like that?

Or is it someone who has flown to Malaysia for m the UK with you to help with the business so you can concentrate on baby and is helping you in that way. if that is the case you need to speak to your DH about how it is making you feel and re establish boundaries as to work and their personal relationship which seems to be a bit muddled.

I am sure there must be loads of British Mums there so reach out to them maybe and make some friends.

you are definitely not a bad mum and your baby will be fine.

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