The Cuppa Tea Saga, cont.

[diydiva]

I started another thread a few days ago in chat about the fact DH never makes me a cup of tea, whether he's making it for himself or just as a nice thing to do for me, so I asked whether other people's DHs do the same. The response was overwhelmingly that it's just plain rude not to ask, especially if you're making one for yourself and it's just a perfectly normal thing to do for your partner.

Fine. I get that DH needs training in this department and maybe I should have sorted this out years ago because we've been together a long time and for some reason it's only become a thing and a talking point (or rather arguing point) recently.

So, please tell me what's going on here, because I'm getting really upset, by such a, what should be, trivial thing.

The other day I had a rare night out and so in the morning, still in bed, I messaged him in the other room "Any chance of a cuppa?" (Yep, I know, lazy but didn't want to get up yet or call out). I'd heard his phone ding and knew he'd seen the message. After a couple of minutes he came in said something non-tea related and so I asked him if he'd seen my message. He was still in joke-mode so sort of smirked and said no - but it was obvious he had - but I told him I'd heard the ding and anyway after a few frustrating exchanges he said something like "I'm not aware of any requests" - so clearly let it slip he had seen it and had chosen to ignore it. I thought because he was joking he was just going to come back in a minute with a cuppa.

Now this is the thing though. Lately he seems to have two modes - a jokey, flippant, smirky one and an angry, pissed off one. Flippant can go to angry in seconds and this is what keeps happening lately and I'm just so tired of it.

So to finish the silly tea story, I just said oh for god's sake, can you please just make me a cup of tea? He went out, I heard him switch the kettle on, came back a few minutes later and just said "the kettle's boiled, I'm going out now" at which point I just got really upset and told him to cut it out, stop making such a big deal over a cup of tea and can't he just make it for me without all this fuss? I stupidly welled up a bit too. He stomped off, so clearly flippant had turned to anger by this point, and then eventually came back with a cup of tea, but put it down in front of me saying "I'm doing this now but don't think this is going to be a regular thing" and off he went.

WHY are we having arguments over cups of tea and what's going on his his behaviour??? Clearly it's not only a problem with sodding tea but I just don't get why he can't do something so simple for me without it making it seem like a big ask. I make him tea and coffee all the time. In fact I'm a SAHM at the moment so I do everything for him and all I really want in return is the gesture more than the tea.

Thank you if you got this far!

[DollStar]

Stop making his drinks! Lazy mean git. He can see how it affects you and enjoys making you beg for something. Maybe though its just the tip of something bigger?

[madwomanbackintheattic]

You texted him from your hungover bed and requested a cup of tea?

And are bewailing, bemoaning, and have a second thread about the trauma?

bahahaha.

I think you both need to grow up and act like adults, and get something real to worry about.

I also would change your thread title. There was a long running thread series with similar titles, where the op's family was dealing with some real issues. I know I clicked on the link with a sinking feeling, hoping that nothing else had happened to the family.

[diydiva]

Dollstar, I've thought about not making any more drinks but that makes me as bad as him and then no one would ever do anything for the other, making it worse! I also honestly don't think he would care if I stopped, that's the sad thing. It's definitely more than just tea making but that's the latest manifestation...

Madwoman, yes I texted him, yes I know that's sad but I was feeling a bit rough and it was the easiest way to ask.
I was going to add to the end of my essay obviously there are bigger problems in the world and am regretting it now because someone always points it out if you don't! Well of course there are but this happens to be affecting me now and my happiness in my relationship hence why I posted in the relationships topic for advice and not AIBU, for example! We don't usually go round acting like sulky teenagers, so that's why it's bothering me so much. Easy to say grow up, but I don't feel I'm acting childishly and neither does he probably.
I was not aware of the other thread you mentioned though, sorry if it has confused anyone.

[thatsnotmynamereally]

Diydiva in the context of your relationship I don't think it's a petty concern. My H expects me to make him tea, full stop. If he wants tea he asks me to make it for him and never considers that he might do it for himself, he feels hugely entitled to do this and I'm not sure if I could have nipped it in the bud 20 years ago by just not being so nice. The question I would ask is does he really not enjoy, even dislike the whole tea-making process and it is a single issue, or is it part of a pattern? From what you say about his 'jokey' moods he sounds slightly abusive perhaps? Can you challenge him on this?

[thatsnotmynamereally]

And meant to say, in that case the texting is a bit irrelevant but if it had been the other way around it would make him sound very entitled indeed!

[Iwouldratherbemuckingout]

This isnt about tea though is it? Its about the person you share your life with showing they care, which is why the little things are so important. You do nice things for someone you love. OP - I'm guessing your post is really saying that your DH makes you feel totally taken for granted and is biting your head off over stuff.

My sister regularly texts her hubby from her bed for tea and toast when its her turn for a lie in - and he happily obliges. She does the same for him! My ex DP would come upstairs with a cuppa the minute he heard stirring from me - and I'd repay the care without thinking.

[OwlCapone]

Sorry, I've not read the other thread but have you actually just asked him why he never makes you a tea when he is making one for himself?

Whilst his behaviour is unacceptable, so is the apparent lack of communication. You say there are bigger things to worry about in the world but there are clearly bigger things in your marriage than a cup of tea.

[PIVOT]

It does sound small...but to me, in a relationship, it's the small gestures that count. To show you care, to show you think about them. A lack of willing to do something so small would upset me. It's natural to me. I'm not so much the tea maker but I often bring home his favourite drink or some sandwiches or snacks on my way home from work. I enjoy giving them to him.

I wouldn't feel right sticking the kettle on and not offering the person I share my office with a brew, let alone the person I share my life with.

DH texts me to ask if I want a brew. I occasionally text him if I'm feeling pathetic but we both know the concept of texting someone in the house is daft so we find it funny.

[diydiva]

Thatsnotmyname - what do you mean by the jokiness/abusiveness thing exactly? He definitely goes into flippant mode when I'm trying to discuss something serious that he can't be bothered to discuss, or sees no need to. This happens mostly if I bring up a 'relationshippy' topic, and I always put it down to him not wanting to discuss feelings etc. He always avoids stuff like that.
But he never used to be like that. In the early years, he was quite sentimental and at the time I thought it was over the top. Have no idea why he's changed so much.

[Shannith]

You sound a bit of a princess to be fair. Sorry.

[Yama]

I don't know if this is good advice or not but here is what I would do:

I would explain to him that as you spend a lot of time and effort 'serving' him, the simple gesture of graciously making you a cup of tea from time to time would make you feel appreciated and loved.

[thatsnotmynamereally]

I'm living in the fog of an abusive relationship (only realised how bad it was after posting here) so not the best one to give objective advice! But the niggles of doubt are there, especially if you say he used to be nice, and now that he's 'got' you the mask is slipping. It is such an insidious process, how long have you been together? If you're concerned at all have a look at the 'emotionally abusive' thread, links at the top-- some good information there.

[thatsnotmynamereally]

Agreed yama and his response might be quite revealing as to how he perceives the situation!

[diydiva]

Yama, thank you, you put it plainly and simply. Good advice. He might not respond straight away (as heavens that would seem like an order) but I think if I did actually say that it might make him think. I have told him before of course, but maybe my way of saying it has been too loaded - begging too much, getting upset, being narky, provocative etc.. I think you're right I just need to be straight and honest.

Oh dear, do I really sound like a princess? Out of context maybe it sounds that way but I promise I am totally hands on, do everything myself (hence my nn ) and never expect stuff to be done for me...except a few teeny tiny gestures. I honestly don't care that I'm taking care of the house/kids etc. on my own as that's my job and I love it but I thought I deserved some looking after too.

[diydiva]

Thatsnotmyname, sometimes when we are in the middle of an argument I question his behaviour and if it is verging on emotional abuse, as he can be quite controlling. I just thought it was quite normal that after the initial loved up period, you do stop all the touchy-feely lovey dovey stuff but actually it doesn't need to stop outright. The more I observe other couple friends of ours the more I still notice how they are nice and kind to each other in a way I rarely see from DH. I don't think he is abusive so to speak but there are definitely aspects of it there and I think I know where they come from (father's behaviour).

[PIVOT]

What nice things does he do? How does he express his feeling for you?

[Stupidhead]

I didn't see your previous thread, sorry, but have a few questions.

1. Is this the only bugbear?
2. Are his parents still together and do/did they have 'traditional' roles, like his mum waiting hand on foot on his dad?

Fwiw we don't have drinks upstairs but if he's up before me he makes me a brew. Whoever switches the kettle on, me, DP or the DCs always offer to make someone else a cup. It's just the normal thing to do.

[Vivacia]

I don't think that you went about this the right way. A text was not the right tool for the job. This needs a face-to-face discussion at a calm time. Say, "I have noticed that I often make you drinks, but you very rarely make me one. I would like you to offer as often as I do" and see what he says.

[FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle]

Have you told him it pisses you off that he never makes you a cup of tea and could he ask you when he's making a cup for himself?

[ThePinkOcelot]

Don't know why people are getting uptight.Op doesn't sound like a princess and certainly isn't responsible for previous threads!!
Anyway Op, I think you need to have a chat. From reading in between the lines, there does seem to be other problems here. I think I would also stop making him a cuppa for a few days. Just give him a taste of his own medicine.

[LiviaEmpressoftheUniverse]

Don't do things for him. When he notices (it shouldn't take long), remind him he didn't make you a cup of tea.

[WildBillfemale]

I wouldn't expect ANYONE (colleagues, friends, husband, relatives) to make me a cup of tea unless they were making one for themselves.

Nice people may offer to make you one if say your leg was in plaster or you were visiting their home.

Your husband isn't your waiter. you don't order service.

Just have an agreement that if either of you makes one for themself ask if the other wants one.

[hamptoncourt]

I don't think you sound precious or unreasonable at all.

He sounds like a wanker - he minimises your unhappiness by being flippant and you say he is controlling.

What are you getting out of this?

[MeganBacon]

I don't think you are a princess.
I think PIVOT's question is a good one. Can you tell us the ways in which he DOES make you feel wanted? Is he helpful/attentive in other ways? The tea issue is obviously the tip of the iceberg. OP's DH definitely needs to buck his ideas up in my view.

[emotionsecho]

There are definitely more issues here than your dh not making you a cup of tea. It reads as though there is no kindness or consideration from your dh towards you, there seems an element of coldness in your relationship, the lack of touching, etc. You sound unhappy, the stand off over the tea is a symptom not the cause. Do you think you would get anywhere by talking to him calmly and objectively, or would he go into angry or defensive mode?