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Ultra dumb but it hurts

(21 Posts)
OuchOuchOuchx Sat 08-Nov-14 00:04:25

I was sort of seeing a man in an on/off kind of way. Of course, I was doing the usual girl thing of playing it cool and not showing my cards as to how much I liked him - or at least trying to. Or (to be real), he knew damn well how much I liked him but I never complained about his bad behavior. Or (to be even more real) was doing the dumb and dumber thing of sleeping with him and acting all super-girl material in the hope he'd suddenly wake up and love me back. (I said this was ultra dumb)

He came round for dinner and I cooked for him (spoiled him/big effort). He stayed the night. About two weeks later, he stood me up. we had a bit of emailing on the subject - me making clear in a very direct (no passive aggressive here!) how angry I was. He made flobby excuses (misread date/busy etc). Rubbish really. I called him out on it and that was our last contact. This is a man I have known as an acquaintance for 10 years and have been on/off dating for 2.

That was 5 months ago.

I've not contacted him and don't intend to. Since then not a peep from him. Nada. Not a text and email nothing. Not even pick up the phone and apologise.

I thought I'd put it out of my mind and moved on. But for some reason the last few days I've been flooded with emotion about this whole thing. It's almost out of nowhere.

It maybe cos I thought he'd call me/apologise etc at some point. But now I realise the moments passed and the last thing I did was cook for him (Well not quite the last thing) and in effect he never spoke to me again.

I always thought "closure" was some namby pamby psychobabble concept. But now I kinda get it.

Why is this pain suddenly re-surfacing? And how do I get over this? Is closure a real concept? and how do I get it if it is?

Why would a man I've known for such a long time behave so cruelly?

Dirtybadger Sat 08-Nov-14 00:36:03

I tend to think closure is bullshit. Maybe if someone literally disappeared you'd want to know what happened (were they married, are they alive, did you do something?) but I'm not sure what this guy could say to help!

Time will be your closure. 5 months isn't that long after 2 years of being head fucked. Are you dating? When you start dating again you may find he wanders out the other side of your head again as you have other people to think about, etc.

SandyJ2014 Sat 08-Nov-14 00:36:13

God, poor you. I reckon you have deep feelings for him even though you are angry or don't consciously acknowledge this. As to what he was thinking...who knows. Everyone can behave like a shithead and I don't think it's indicative that he doesn't feel anything for you. Who knows, maybe he will still call you. Move forward and live well. The right thing will happen whether it's with him or with somebody who knocks your socks off and makes you forget all about this crap that you feel just now flowers

OuchOuchOuchx Sat 08-Nov-14 00:53:22

Thanks for answers above

>>>>Who knows, maybe he will still call you.

I doubt it. After 5 months? Why now? (unless aiming for sex). But even if he did, what's the use? What can you say to someone who behaved like that?

You don't care about me do you? [check]
You don't want me do you? [check]
You do realise that I was utterly broken hearted that you just disappeared without even an apology? [check]

There's no way back from this is there? There's nothing to be said that can excuse it. I think you are right and I did/do have deep feelings for him. I liked him very much indeed.

I don't really have much of a handle on why this has come rushing back at me. I mean I haven't seen him/spoken to him/had anything happen.

SandyJ2014 Sat 08-Nov-14 00:57:31

I don't think you can be that categorical. The motivations behind people's behaviour is manifold and sometimes nclear to even them. I think there is a way back. I've been in that position and things worked out. Not quite the same but still....I think you should not concern yourself with these questions. Move forward... See what happens elsewhere in your life. Enjoy it. And who knows...

OuchOuchOuchx Sat 08-Nov-14 00:59:22

Oh and I'm also worrying about what to do if I see him/ run into him.

It's not very likely but Christmas party season and not entirely off the cards.

What to do? How to behave?

Deep inside I'd like to slap him round the chops. More realistically I'd like to blank him but it's not really my personality.

I could do with a smart one liner to put him in his place...

OuchOuchOuchx Sat 08-Nov-14 01:03:54

>>>Are you dating?

No I'm not. Not because I'm against it but because I've done internet dating all over the shop and think it's not for me. And I've not met anyone in real life.

And I'm still a bit crushing on this exman so decided I needed to let that properly die as it wasn't fair to a new man to try to date when I was unfree.

DollStar Sat 08-Nov-14 04:41:47

He thought the relationship was a lot more casual than you did. And by not showing your hand, he didnt know any better maybe? Does not excuse his behavior though. Do not let it show that he has hurt you if you meet him at the Christmas party, maybe let him apologise??

Playthegameout Sat 08-Nov-14 06:39:09

5 months is only a short period of time to recover from someone you really cared for walking away. Tbh I think he acted like a cowardly shit. If he'd had any respect for you, then he should've been straight about ending things.

It's no surprise you feel hurt, and although you had strong feelings towards this guy, you need to think that someone worth your time and love wouldn't treat you like that. My mum used to always say "No man worth your tears will ever make you cry".

Try to focus on you, what will make you feel better? Time is a healer and you will get past this. Get yourself an outfit to wear to Christmas parties that makes you feel awesome and if you see him just say hi then go and enjoy yourself. Sod him, he sounds like an arse.

Joysmum Sat 08-Nov-14 06:48:40

He thought the relationship was a lot more casual than you did. And by not showing your hand, he didnt know any better maybe?

That's what I thought. I don't see not showing your hand as normal because then the other person comes to the wrong conclusion based on your own signals.

A good relationship is based on good communication.

If he's into you, he'll want to know you're into him. If he's not and thinks you're more intense than him, it's best to know sooner rather than later.

I really don't see the benefit behind hiding your hand.

Despite all of that though, the guy still might only have been a cock! When something bad happens to us our minds protect from it initially as self preservation. It's later, when we start to feel more deeply it can all fall apart.

Notgoodwithwords Sat 08-Nov-14 07:11:21

More or less an identical thing happened to me a year ago... He'd even told friends we were a couple!!

I'm only just feeling ok about it. The feeling of rejection still stings a bit from time to time but mainly now I think 'oh your loss mate'!!!

ZaraW Sat 08-Nov-14 08:05:15

People behave cruelly all the time. He didn't have the decency to contact you, maybe he felt he didn't do anything wrong? You were holding onto the thought that he would contact you but as time has gone on it looks like he won't. Move on and find someone that is more deserving of you.

Dowser Sat 08-Nov-14 14:03:06

OP see what your advice would be for me.

My exh is dying. We were together for over 30 years and been divorced for over 6 years.

Having not seen him for 6 years I bumped into him at a family gathering. I was prepared to be really pleasant despite the last time I saw him he was really unpleasant.

I never got the opportunity. He sort of scowled ' hiya' to me with a nasty expression on his face and that was it.

Since then his condition has worsened.

I often wonder to myself about an email, a sort of closure as in saying goodbye, for my sake as much as his. Or just do I leave it. I'm very happy in a relationship of 6 years and he is married and by all accounts not terribly happy. What he did tore the family apart and it's never recovered.

Don't want to hijack your thread but your advice to me might help you with your problem.

Dowser Sat 08-Nov-14 14:39:21

Yes, I too really felt the sting of rejection at that meeting, after such a long history together, children and grandchildren , did I really mean so little?

Well , the obvious answer is yes I do and says far more about him than me.

OuchOuchOuchx Sat 08-Nov-14 21:02:13

Dowswer

My exh is dying. We were together for over 30 years and been divorced for over 6 years.

Your positions is whoppingly different to mine because (a) you were married and have a 30 year history. 6 years divorced is a tiny proportion of 30 years (Well one fifth!) and (b) he is dying (we are all dying in one sense but I take it you mean terminally ill with the end in sight)

My situation is with a guy I'd fallen for who I don't think ever really cared for me at all. Certainly never wanted to marry me. And as far as I am aware is as healthy as a horse.

I often wonder to myself about an email, a sort of closure as in saying goodbye, for my sake as much as his. Or just do I leave it. I'm very happy in a relationship of 6 years and he is married and by all accounts not terribly happy. What he did tore the family apart and it's never recovered.

I think my advice to you would be do what you think you will regret least because death is so final.

If you think that you want to send him an email, then I'd do it. 30 years is a long time. You can't send it when his is dead. better to regret what you did that what you don't do.

But honestly, I really do not see for the life of me what this has to do with my situation. It's whale-sized different.

OuchOuchOuchx Sat 08-Nov-14 21:08:54

He thought the relationship was a lot more casual than you did. And by not showing your hand, he didnt know any better maybe?

That's what I thought. I don't see not showing your hand as normal because then the other person comes to the wrong conclusion based on your own signals.

Really? I though this was what all women do? I mean if you are too keen men get turned off right? Guys are all about the chase aren't they?

Anyway he knows I like him, that was bloody obvious. I mean you don't just cook for men you don't give a shit about. Or at least I don't. Take it from me, he knows I really like him. It was pretty clear I was more keen and he wasn't. I never told him I loved him but I was always more interested/excited in seeing him than he was in me.

I think he saw it as casual and I was acting as if I was OK with that - when I wasn't really. I was all " I Love you with every fibre of my soul but know you don't feel the same way so I can't tell you as you will run a mile so I will stay silent and carry on regardless"

That's not my issue though. My issue is how do I get closure and (if I see him) what do I do?

The circumstances in which he stood me up was so awful that I can't just go "hi" and not mention it as I was so angry and it was so rude. But ignoring him isn't really my scene. Maybe I should say "I made my position clear. I have nothing to say to you until I have a proper apology."? I just don't know.

Wotsitsareafterme Sat 08-Nov-14 21:23:58

Hi op. This post struck a cord with me. Especially the wave of emotion part. Back in July is was dumped by silence by a man I thought I was having quite an intense relationship with. Since then I have met an amazing man who I am having a great relationship with but the ex hangs over me to the point where I think about this closure business quite a bit and I consider confronting ex often. Then I think his behaviour was so cold I don't want him to know how upset i was and I go around in circles with it. I got v close to texting him over half term :-(

beaglesaresweet Sat 08-Nov-14 21:41:37

it you bump into him, OP, it's best to follow his lead, and if he's embarrassed when he sees you, and tries to avoid you, definitely just don't talk to him.

If he appears neutral and is polite, you could do the same and then hopefully he might talk and apologise. I'd say, at most you could do a joke on the 'ah, so you are alive' lines if you are in a good mood at that moment, but be very breezy.

OuchOuchOuchx Sat 08-Nov-14 22:01:46

it's best to follow his lead, and if he's embarrassed when he sees you, and tries to avoid you,

LOL at the thought of him being embarrassed. He loves himself. He's never wrong. My best estimate at his mental attitude would be "I'm entitled to behave as I did. How dare you question me or have the insolence to be angry at me. I will not speak to you again as you are now decreed a potential bunny boiler. I am right. I am always right."

He might try to avoid me but that would only be because he wanted to demonstrate I was now to be ignored or because he feared I'd cause a scene.

I reckon thought that the most likely behaviour would be he'd act like he'd met an old acquaintance and like nothing was wrong. "Been ages; how lovely to see you" kiss/kiss on the cheek. "how have you been".

fantasy punch in the nose from me

beaglesaresweet Sat 08-Nov-14 22:26:28

if he's that arsey, why not just ignore him and appear 'superior' yourself, after all you ARE superior as you have morals and he doesn't. I would never do a kiss/kiss in this situation, it's the same as doing what he 'tells' you to do. If he tries, just swerve, and say 'I'd rather not take part in this charade' in a ironic sort of tone. Put him in his place a little. Just really try to look like 'what a nuisance'.
On a diff level, did you know he was as you described when you dated him? quite alarming that you've developed all the deep feelings if you knew he was this superior arse. If you were blinded by attarction and you know now, at least it's smth to learn from.

OuchOuchOuchx Sat 08-Nov-14 23:17:01

On a diff level, did you know he was as you described when you dated him? quite alarming that you've developed all the deep feelings if you knew he was this superior arse.

Not really. With hindsight there were little hints I think. But he seemed very kind and respectful.

He's always been a little bit cocky but I kinda liked that as I don't like wimps. I would never have guessed he'd behave as badly as he did and then go totally silent. Especially where he was massively in the wrong.

Honestly, I was expecting bunches of flowers, wining/dinning and major "forgive me" grovelling - and told him as much when it became apparent this was not happening. Instead not a peep.

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