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On new relationships

(8 Posts)
TheNewWitchOfSWL Fri 07-Nov-14 21:52:23

This is not really a question but I just want to put my thoughts out there. Any reply will be appreciated.

I separated from my H not long ago. There were lots of problems and the love was gone. I still care for him as a friend and he is the father of my daughter (7) so I am glad I have good feelings for him and I wish him well.

I am giving myself 2 years to heal emotionally, to grow spiritually and to find my feet financially and to be confident as a single person/mother.
I think I need to rediscover myself again and build a solid foundation of my own life as an individual before getting involved with somebody else.

I remember always panicking at the thought of being single. When younger I would cling at the wrong boyfriends and being very needy. I would lose myself in the other's life. In fact, on my first marriage I was pretty much living his life instead of mine. He left me for the OW and it didn't take me long to start dating again despite the pain and I kept getting dumped until I got serious with my current ex after less than one year separation from 1st.ex. We got married really soon after my divorce was finalised. I had a lot of reasons for getting married so quickly and having a child was one of them, however I took it seriously and worked hard to make it work. Unfortunately it wasn't to be. I don't think we knew each other well enough at that time.

So, I am 37 and I guess that after more or less 2 years when I am nearly 40, I expect to be ready to start dating again if I feel like it.
I am pretty happy on my own now a days (what a difference from the past!) BUT I would like to have another chance of romance and love, now from a more mature perspective. I am interesting to know how a relationship would unfold with me being feeling happy with my life and myself and not depending on a man to give me the love and make me happy as I already love myself and make myself happy anyway.

Also, when my daughter becomes a teenager, she will be busy with her friends and activities, so I will have plenty of time and having a boyfriend would be nice.

I have some friends who have being single for a while and I wonder why? They don't have children and they really look everywhere but they can't find anybody. I sometimes wonder if this will be my future too. I have no interest in one night stands and I will definitely not settle for less than I deserve. If it is not Mr.Perfect, Mr. Right, I would rather be alone.

I hope I made some sense.

What is your experience?

Thanks for reading.

TtipParty Sat 08-Nov-14 08:01:35

I'm in a,similar position except h was abusive, so I really feel I've got a lot of healing to do. Part of me is really happy being alone, but there is part of me which would really like a new relationship. I have feelings for someone else, but not sure whether they're reciprocated. This person is quite a strong character and I could easily see myself losing my identity again. I find myself acting indifferently when invitations are extended, even though part of me would gladly accept them. I don't know if this isa self protection mechanism kicking in? Sorry no advice but just wanted to say you're not alone in being tentative about dating.

Vivacia Sat 08-Nov-14 08:09:48

Are you american?

FreudianGymSlip Sat 08-Nov-14 08:20:54

IME (generally) the goal of 'growing' in the way you describe will be seriously undermined by preoccupations of being in another relationship.

You can make it easy, or harder, on yourself to achieve growth.

TheNewWitchOfSWL Sat 08-Nov-14 09:30:27

No I am not American.

DollyRocker1 Sat 08-Nov-14 10:34:48

I think it's best to keep an open mind. If someone amazing came along in the next 2 years would you push them away or just ask them to take things more slowly?

OuchOuchOuchx Sat 08-Nov-14 11:18:04

I have some friends who have being single for a while and I wonder why? They don't have children and they really look everywhere but they can't find anybody.

I think, I'm afraid, that this is function of getting older and it being a buyer's market. In this case, the buyers being men.

Men generally want to date younger than they are. Plus a lot of younger women are willing to date much older men for all kinds of reasons - wealth being the obvious one, but not the only one.

So a "quality" single 50 year old man has the potential option of a dating pool of women from the age of 21 upwards; more realistically 30 - 60. That's a lot of options.

A single woman who is in the age bracket 30 - early 40s has a much more restricted pool that would interest her but also would be reciprocally interested. A lot of men have had their kids and don't want more - so would not want to date a woman who is looking to settle down and have children - perceived to be "desperate."

A woman over the age of 40 would probably be most interested in dating a man in the age range 40 - 50. But these men have a lot of other options and would be inclined to date slightly younger.

The answer is that men have more choice which means in the brutal world of dating, it is harder for older women to find a quality partner.

But it's not impossible. After all you only need one who is right for you.

I'm going to die alone eaten by cats btw

dadwood Sat 08-Nov-14 11:25:50

Hi OP

My wife and I were used to being single before we got together in our thirties. We know not to rely on each other for all our emotional needs.

I think being single previously helps you create a balanced relationship with all the positive aspects of being close to somebody without the co-dependency.

I can definitely see the benefit of being single between relationships.

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