EA Husband driven off in a grump

[OctoberCarrot]

I am in an ea and a very unhappy marriage. I am gaining strength to make things better by reading threads here and links. I am slowiy gaining a fuck you attitude and not doing things to keep the peace. Tonight he drove off fuck knows where leaving his tow very small children very upset as they were dying to see dad.

Some days I ask myself how in gods name I eneded up like this. I am only with him6 years and every part of me has been decimated. It won't be forever as I am slowly building myself back up. Tonight makes me think I must work faster at doing that.

Any survival tips whilst I burrow out?

[Mumblechum1]

Um, never mind survival, surely escape would be a better option?

[debka]

Gather friends around you, all the support you can muster.

Arm yourself with information.

Then end it. You will not look back.

I did this three months ago, I feel like a different woman now.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Womens Aid can and will help you leave this abusive individual.

Building yourself up could take some considerable time and he could well do everything in his power to keep knocking you down again.

[PeppermintPasty]

I agree. I would do it as soon as. Make a change, you will feel relief and peace. I did it too, nothing but good things to report.

[Quitelikely]

How to survive? Just detach. Detach and detach.

Survive by knowing that if you stay there your lovely dc will almost certainly become emotionally abusive towards their future partners or become vulnerable and be attracted to abusers whilst you watch on helplessly as surely your friends and family are.

Abuse breeds abuse. It's a cycle. Folk aren't born that way. They are made that way.

Good luck, stay strong

[Littlef00t]

Gather the documents etc you need to escape and make plans. I think you know this can't last as he's never going to change.

[OctoberCarrot]

He is such a fucker. Came home. Woke the 3 year to read a story and be daddy day care and has just told me he has to work tomorrow despite already saying he was going to do gardening. It is being spiteful as I was suppose to have a morning off doing some shopping. I fucking hate him.

I have already stopped making excuses for him so when the truth comes out it won't be such a surprise.

I am a SAHM and that is where the difficuly lies. My mum is financially very secure and could easily help but I would prefer it to be x months whilst my mew job goes well etc.

You are right though I can't allow my children to grow up in this atmosphere. The three year old is already noticing. I just feel so sad for them and the one year old. We have never really being happy since he was born as that is when the ea ramped up and I was told by my husband that I had pnd. Oh god what a mess.

[WinnieFosterTether]

It is miserable and hard but I think recognising it is a very important step. You can't unsee it once you have realised and that will help you to detach as you see the pattern to his moods, etc.
There were two techniques I found helpful - imagining a protective bubble that meant his criticisms bounced off and, imagining what a reasonable person would do in his situation. It helped to remind me that he was choosing to act a certain way and also that the behaviour I expected was usually just common decency not an outrageous demand from the person who is supposed to love you most.

[something2say]

In separating lives, start thinking like a single mum. No asking him to babysit or do things around the house, and you try to stop doing things for him too....

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Are you married? What is the house situation?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Sorry, yes you are married!

Take the kids to your mums and sort it out from there. Dont waste any more time!

[LoveBeingStartingANewLife]

I'm at my mums after leaving. The dc are in the single bed next to mine. We are so much happier. Please get strong, make your plan and get out. It will be the best Xmas present you can ever give your dc

[heyday]

Personally I would say that unless you are at risk of harm then my advice would be to arm yourself with as much information as possible as to a future without him ie where you stand regarding the house, finances, maintenance and custody of children.
If you are miserable then he certainly is too so things are going to be tense and rather stressful. You do need to know roughly where you stand though before you leave the home. Try to stay as calm as you can otherwise the children will notice the tension and atmosphere. You can't control his actions or moods but you can have some control over your own.
Talk to your mum as soon as you can to see what support she can/will offer you, get some legal advice and start to look forward to a happier future for yourself and your children. Be prepared for him to be obstructive and non cooperative though, it's gonna be a tough ride ahead.

[OctoberCarrot]

So he webt off to work. Not scheduled work, he is a professional and sometimes works weekends to catch up but it was v spiteful as I had a shopping morning planned.

The children were asking if they could have juice and he kept saying ask your mu they are 1 and 3 Ffs.

He is due to go to a sporting event with his mum and has now thrown all his toys out of cot and is refusing to go. Like I care but it is so childish and v selfish to do that to his mum.

Grrrrrrr.