Dad is an alcoholic

[cannotcompute]

and I have only just discovered this. I'm 30. He's 60. I had no idea. He has to have a biopsy in his throat next week as lumps have been discovered.

I've always known he was a smoker although he has never smoked in front of me. If I've ever mentioned it to him, he won't talk about it and is very secretive. Ashamed I guess.

But I didn't know that he drinks all day every day. All day. He never seems drunk. He's never been aggressive or violent- he's lovely and gentle and kind. He was the best dad. Lovely, eccentric. Would do anything for any of us. Now he spends all day in the pub and my mum can barely speak to him about it because she is angry and he is defensive. He doesn't want her help, he doesn't want anyone to care for him. He told her she was over-dramatising when she made him go to a doctor.

So he might be really poorly and I'm going to lose him and it's his fault and I don't know how to process any of this. He's still my dad and I love him. I knew smoking would kill him one day but he's not who I thought he was.

I'm pregnant with my second child. I always thought he would do anything to protect me. He couldn't even clean his life up to make sure my mum had a happy retirement or to make sure he knows grandchildren. He just didn't care about himself.

And apparently he drinks and drives. Because he thinks he hasn't had to much after 3 pints and two glasses of wine. I can't believe he would put people in danger like that. I can't believe it. It's not him.

He won't ever accept there is a problem. He won't ever talk about it. He'd die first.

I don't know what I'm asking.

[mermaid101]

My dad was almost exactly the same. I found out when he was a similar age. It was very shocking to me. I remember well the feeling of pure, cold fear.

Is he still with your mother? Do you have any siblings?

I feel like I could write a book about this. One piece of advice I would give, on a practical level, is if he is living alone is to get a handle on his finances. My father got into terrible debt, let all his insurances lapse, didn't pay coucil tax. On top of everything else, it was a nightmare to sort out.

Is there anything specific I can answer for you?

I would say that although he is an alcoholic, it doesn't mean that he wasn't a warm and caring parent. He still loves you. He is in the grip of a terrible addiction. Many people can recover from this.

[TeaForTara]

I don't know what I'm asking
Maybe you're just asking for a bit of hand-holding? If so, here's mine. Not sure I can offer any practical advice but I'm sure people will be along who can.