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Pregnant and DP doesn't want it...?

(10 Posts)
Antsypantsy Fri 07-Nov-14 14:30:49

Im not posting for me, but my best friend. To be honest, I have no idea what advice to give her and we both wanted to get some objective opinions.

Background is BF and her DP have been together 3 years. They plan to move in together in the new year. She has a DS who is 5 and he has two teenage DD from previous marriages. He is early 40s, she is late 30s.

The first two years of their relationship were on/off but the last year has been stable. They've never been brilliant communicators and carry out most of their discussions/arguments via text. They've only ever skimmed over the more children issue.

She has fallen pregnant. Total accident. She thought that although he would probably not be instantly overjoyed he would probably be quite accepting of it. But he's not. He has categorically told her he doesn't want any more children. He hasn't said he would stand by her if she chose to keep it.

She thinks she wants more children. If he was happy, she would keep this baby no questions asked. She is worried this is her past chance. She is a bit shocked by his reaction. He hasn't had a vasectomy or ever made his feelings on the matter clear. She thinks it would be "selfish" of her to continue the pregnancy knowing he doesn't want it.

I keep saying she is not being selfish. But I'm not doing a great job explaining why, apart from repeating inane things about it being different for her because it's her body. She says there is not difference between her wanting it and him not wanting it.

She really doesn't know what to do. I am feeling like my advice is useless. I feel like his reaction
To her is utterly selfish and uncaring. He is more bothered about himself then her but she is more worried about him too.

Any advice, food for thought, experiences? I'm not really sure what the exact question is

Antsypantsy Fri 07-Nov-14 14:32:06

Also to add, he has always know she would like more children

JeanSeberg Fri 07-Nov-14 14:35:52

Total accident

First question, how do you get pregnant by "total accident"?

I feel like his reaction To her is utterly selfish and uncaring

Why? The relationship has been on/off, they don't communicate well and hadn't discussed the issue of children.

She wouldn't be selfish to keep the baby but she should be prepared to be a single parent and accept he probably won't change his mind.

NewEraNewMindset Fri 07-Nov-14 14:36:11

Please tell your friend this may very well be her last chance (honestly, I am living age related infertility right now). She should keep the baby and bin the bloke.

IAmACircle Fri 07-Nov-14 14:37:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmACircle Fri 07-Nov-14 14:39:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 07-Nov-14 14:40:40

Her body, her choice.
As long as she is prepared to be a single parent then she can go ahead with it.
She is right. At the age she is it could be her last chance.
Although she may have years yet to find a new partner who wants the same things as she does and start again. But maybe not.
He can quite rightly say he's not interested in it but when the child is here he will have to financially support him/her.
This is HER decision. She can take his opinions into account but no-one else other than your DF has control of her body.

Antsypantsy Fri 07-Nov-14 14:40:41

total accident
I guess I mean, it was completely unexpected as she is on the pill and had no reason to think she was unprotected. But it kind of follows on to my next point, nothing is 100% and is vulnerable to
Human error etc, accidents happen. The way to avoid accidents if you are 100% sure you don't want anymore is to have a vasectomy. Not that that makes any difference to her situation now I know. If he doesn't want it, he doesn't want it.

She feels like she would be forcing him to be a father. Even if he chose not to be involved. But they both had sex, everyone knows the risks

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay Fri 07-Nov-14 15:04:43

When she sits down and talks to him it is important she impresses on him the fact that he has abdicated responsibility for contraception entirely onto your friend. He could have taken the responsibility of using condoms....but....did....not. This is to even up the apportioning of blame if such occurs. At least this way the conversation can be an even one. She sounds like she is on the back foot when she is but not by her own hand entirely.

Bogeyface Fri 07-Nov-14 16:00:18

So he is adamant he doesnt want more children but does precisely nothing to prevent it and then expects her to have a termination knowing she does want more children?

I agree with a PP, keep the baby, bin the bloke. If she terminates a pregnancy that she wants to keep then it will kill their relationship anyway. He sounds like a dick tbh and she needs to write him totally out of the equation and make her decision based on her feelings alone because he doesnt sound like he will support her either way.

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