Im stuck in my own life

[anxiousgrownup]

Ive been with DH for 24 years. 24 years !

I care what happens to him, but I dont think I love him, respect him , fancy him anymore.
He can be so horrible and spiteful.
He has horrible angry ideas and views on the world, he is bitter about everything.
He doesn't work due to a disability and sleeps most of the day while I run round working fulltime, doing school runs, shopping, housework etc.

Its me making him angry and paranoid because im backing off and Im too much of a coward to tell him to go. He suspects and keeps asking me, saying you hate me dont you, you really wish I wasnt here dont you. And I say no everytime. He said I talk to him like shit and I probably do. I shout at him because I feel so trapped and because im frustrated.

I cant go anywhere like out with my friends as hes suspicious all the time.
If im not at my desk when he rings work he sulks and gets angry.
He said he could hear a mans voice when he phoned earlier and I said probably its an open plan office ! I then got accused of snapping at him and had to swear on my life there wasnt.
THERE WASNT !!

The other night he said I dont look at him when I kiss him and I dont.

Im afraid to end it and I dont know why.

He was out the other day and it was just me and the kids. DC2 said today has been a good day. Its been really calm and youve been happy mum.

DC3 wouldnt even notice if he was here or not.

Ive messed up. When I was young I used to wish upon a star that we would never break up.
I am paralysed with terror at the thought of us not being together and it being a terrible mistake even though I have experienced it being just me and the kids for peroids of time and we/I were fine.

Whats wrong with me ?

[dadwood]

Hi OP

I expect that there is nothing wrong with you, but the situation you are in is making you feel bad.

I am just wondering a few things in order to separate them out:
Your DH:
What was your DH like when he was younger?
Has his change in autonomy with being disabled and at home changed his behaviour?
Is he possibly clinically depressed?

You:
Are you afraid of hurting your DH by admitting to him your changed feelings?
Are you afraid of the change in how you feel i.e. failing to feel the same as you used to about him? (breaking your star wish)
Are you not unsure about it being just you and the kids on an ongoing basis?

The suspicion and anger from your husband is not a good thing and is possibly indicative that he is a controlling man. It could otherwise be that he is feeling very vulnerable, or both. Can you tell which?

Things change, and falling out of love happens.

[cheerupandhaveaglassofwine]

Nothing at all wrong with you

Read what you posted back to yourself and you probably have your answer as based on that I think you do need to leave

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

When you have a disabilty it makes you feel very insecure esp if its perhaps one later in life thats diagnosed. Illness does change a person but also he needs to trust you even though you will be working with men. Are you spending time as a couple despite his circumstances?