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Should I tell my friend her DP of 2 years is gay?

(37 Posts)
EllaJayne123 Fri 07-Nov-14 09:31:04

Hi lovely mumsneters really after some advice as am at a loss as to what to do, I don't want to be the shit stirrer but I also don't want my dfriend to get hurt.

I met DP 2 years ago through a good friend of mine who was in a relationship with his good friend. Since then we've done allot with her and her dp, gone out to pubs together, dinners, had them over ect.

Last night me and dp were talking about her partner, let's call him x. I said that x had freaked out allot at my friend recently, trying to leave her ect and she's been begging him to stay.

During this dp mentioned that 2 and a half years ago (2 months before x met my friend) he had attempted suicide because he was gay and didn't want to admit it. Then a few weeks later introduces my best friend as his new 'girlfriend'

They have been together ever since and he's never mentioned being gay to her, she told me he had attempted suicide a few weeks before he met her but said the reason for it was he was on allot of drugs and it messed him up.

It's pretty obvious my friend does not know about this and I don't want to say anything for fear of what he may do, but in the same way I don't want him to tragically leave her in 5 years time because of his sexuallity.

Guess this is the reason dp hasn't mentioned it for 2 years. Dp says he is sure he is gay as has watched quite a bit of gay porn(!!!!) on dps phone when they went away together a few months ago.

Please help me mumsneters my head hurts sad I'm torn between telling my friend (what's to say she'll even believe me) or facing them pretty much every Friday night knowing that hes hiding this!!

TheHermitCrab Fri 07-Nov-14 09:36:06

As much as you know... you don't really KNOW do you? I wouldn't be talking to your friend, I'd be talking to her DP if you want to get involved at all.

He could be bi, could be gay, could be anything, but at the moment the only person who knows what he is for sure is him, and you could cause a huge amount of chaos by going in and saying "my partner says your partner is gay" however tactfully you say it...

What was he doing watching gay porn on your partners phone by the way? lol

GoatsDoRoam Fri 07-Nov-14 09:37:10

If she is begging a man to stay who has already told her he wants to leave her, she's on a hiding to nothing, whether or not he is gay.

And similarly, if she is begging a man to stay who has already told her he wants to leave, it's unlikely that anything you say will deter her from clinging on to this shipwreck of a relationship.

Say nothing, listen to her, empathise, be there to support her when it all inevitably goes tits up... But don't try to direct her choices. She has to make them herself.

Vitalstatistix Fri 07-Nov-14 09:43:39

She's already begging a man who has said he doesn't want to be with her to stay with her. What makes you think this will make a bit of difference?

It must be awful to know that the person you are with doesn't actually want you, they are just staying because you are pleading. Just out of pity really.

That won't be making her feel good and in the end it won't work.

Really, if your partner is close to him, then perhaps he is the one who should be saying look, mate, if you don't want to be with her - then leave.

This bloke has to make a decision. Your partner is his friend. Get him to support him. You shouldn't stay with someone you don't want to be with, just because they are begging you.

It's not the right thing to do. It isn't even the right thing to do for the person who's doing the begging!

He needs to man up and end the relationship if that is what he wants to do. People have the right to end a relationship at any time if they do not want to be in it.

Windywinston Fri 07-Nov-14 09:43:59

Well it's clear that this friend of DP's is very fragile with regards his sexuality. I don't think it's your place to out him to his GF, if he attempted suicide again neither you, your friend, or your DP will be any better off. That said, I understand your desire to protect your friend. I suggest you ask your DP to tell his friend that he needs to break up with his GF because of his sexuality and explain that he's putting everyone in a difficult situation by staying with her. Hopefully he will do this. If not maybe then your DP needs to give him an ultimatum, but again, I think this would be dangerous because of his friend's fragility.

I would say to your DP that until this is resolved you will not be socialising with them as a couple any more.

NoMarymary Fri 07-Nov-14 09:44:44

Would your DP be able to have a heart to heart with him about the situation?

It's an awful situation to be in. I suppose the moral dilemma is does your DFs rights to know the truth override her Partners right to privacy.

cestlavielife Fri 07-Nov-14 09:46:39

gay or not focus on the fact he needs help for his MH issues. your dp could encourage him to leave her and get some help with his MH issues.

you can tell your friend to back off and let him go, and get help for his MH issues. being gay or not is not relevant - he wants to split and she should not be harassing him t o stay with her.

Quitelikely Fri 07-Nov-14 09:48:10

If this was my best friend In afraid I would have to tell her.

If he is gay he is living a lie or at least trying to.

juneau Fri 07-Nov-14 09:50:14

I suggest you ask your DP to tell his friend that he needs to break up with his GF because of his sexuality and explain that he's putting everyone in a difficult situation by staying with her. Hopefully he will do this.

Yes this ^. I agree that you shouldn't take it upon yourself to break this news to your friend. Outing him in this way - and her then probably confronting him - could cause him to try and commit suicide again and if he succeeds this time you'll both have to live with that. Let him break his own news to her - its their business, not yours.

TheRealMaryMillington Fri 07-Nov-14 09:50:46

She's on a hiding to nothing with the relationship

You don't know though that his sexuality (and you don't know what that is, either, nor does your DH) is at the root of their problems, so I would keep schtum on that.

You just need to support your friend and ask her to consider whether she wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want her, and how she sees this playing out.

tobeagain Fri 07-Nov-14 09:54:57

i wouldnt tbh because he may still be grappling with his sexuality. yes he is looking at porn but he may already have accepted that he will never physically be with a man. i dont know because i dont know him. that does raise the question what do you actually know in detail? yes you know the basics but there could be a lot more to this than your DP knows even. i personally dont think it is your place to say. if you are THAT concerned then talk directly to the guy face to face about your concerns. if after that you dont feel that they have been allayed then perhaps you may feel justified in telling your friend. get the facts first first hand before you blow something up ... including your friendship ... she may already know

CariadsDarling Fri 07-Nov-14 09:59:51

I would have to tell her.

I'd also be wondering why he had to watch gay porn on my partners phone. Doesn't he have one of his own?

And it took till now for your partner to mention the friend is gay/bi-sexual?

None of this seems to add up. Its all a bit strange.

EllaJayne123 Fri 07-Nov-14 10:02:22

Thanks for replies, I'm going to ask DP to talk to him I think. In regards to someone's question about why he was watching the porn, they were away abroad he asked to use dps phone (only one with Internet) dp got his phone back next morning all of the sites were gay porn sites. He does treat her like crap and once he flipped at her and told her he hates her doesn't want to be with her in the middle of a pub screaming. Me and dp were sat there opened jawed and she ran after him begging him to not leave her, he got in a taxi and she followed him. I guess if she won't leave based on that she is not going to leave if he is gay. I see my friend allot, she is godmother to my dd and comes over on her lunch breaks some times, she's supposed to be today but I made an excuse. I don't think I can face her

EllaJayne123 Fri 07-Nov-14 10:05:18

Cariads, it may seem odd but it is true, my dp didn't tell me earlier as while he can shrug these things off I can't and he didn't want me to be in the position I can't look at them anymore. I'm still in shock from it, I never in a million years would have thought it

firesidechat Fri 07-Nov-14 10:25:02

Complicated situation, but looking at the one aspect of this that I can comment on - why on earth was he looking at porn on your partners phone? Now that is weird. I would be furious if anyone looked at any type of porn on one of my devices, phone or computer.

Windywinston Fri 07-Nov-14 10:42:20

I can understand why your DP hasn't mentioned this before tbh. It's not ideal, but telling you makes it real and unavoidable. Keeping it to himself meant that he could hope that the problem had gone away and maintain his sense of loyalty to his friend. However, he was right to tell you in the end.

Lweji Fri 07-Nov-14 10:44:23

Unless he's cheating on her with a man, I'd leave it.

EllaJayne123 Fri 07-Nov-14 10:57:55

Dp was pretty confused about the porn, he said it was on the history page so he had probably tried to clear the history before he have it back but didn't succeed, dp didnt want to say anything at the time because he didn't want to open a can of worms he said. I don't think I can just leave it, if it was the other way around I would want to know about it

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Fri 07-Nov-14 14:13:18

I think you can't see the wood for the trees. Its your partner's phone with the gay porn history, and your partner softening up his own girlfriend for the news that someone is gay... don't you think?

AmserGwin Fri 07-Nov-14 14:19:32

I would have to tell her what you know

ChippingInAutumnLover Fri 07-Nov-14 14:19:54

X seems to have a lot of problems, if he is suicidal he needs help. Your DH should guide him in that direction.

Windywinston Fri 07-Nov-14 14:32:25

I think you can't see the wood for the trees. Its your partner's phone with the gay porn history, and your partner softening up his own girlfriend for the news that someone is gay... don't you think?

^^I didn't want to say this, but yes it crossed my mind too. I'm not sure anyone I know would lend their phone to a mate overnight in case anyone needed to contact them. That bit of this tale is pretty fishy IMHO.

Thrif Fri 07-Nov-14 14:48:20

Yes, I'm sorry too but that was my first though on reading OP Windy.

As far as Op's friend is concerned, if her DP has told her he doesn't want to stay there are a million reasons why he should go, she doesn't need to know he's gay for him to leave.

firesidechat Fri 07-Nov-14 14:49:21

Mine too. Sorry.

Lweji Fri 07-Nov-14 14:52:48

I don't think you tell someone that someone else is gay.
You don't know.
For all the evidence you have he may be bisexual. So? What's to do with you or her?
Would you tell her if he had been looking at straight porn? If not, then just leave it.

And yes, it is weird that it's in your partner's phone. Did he volunteer the info, or did you come across it?

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