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If you've ever fallen deeply and easily in love with someone...

(19 Posts)
Marvels Fri 07-Nov-14 08:02:18

Someone you clicked with right away on all fronts, fell passionately and truly in love with, someone that made you realize you hadn't known real love before (and the feeling was mutual) but the relationship had to end (several years in)

Would you be satisfied to not have that in a new relationship? Would you be able to date someone you don't feel the same spark with, don't fall for so easily?

My relationship ended earlier this year. I don't want to put too many details, we just didn't work as a couple, despite all the good.

I've been dating someone new for a month now or so now. He's a good man, he makes me laugh more than ex did, we get along well. But when I compare the first months of dating Ex with dating this man, it pales in comparison. I know I would never love him like I did my ex, even if I grow to love him.

I suppose my real question here is... do I keep trying? Should I ever expect to feel that way again? Is it worth trying to have relationships that don't compare, do I keep attempting to meet men and date until I find someone I can experience that love I felt with my ex again, or do I accept I will never have that again, that Ex was the love of my life/my soulmate, and I shouldn't look for that again, but accept a milder kind of love in the future?

Back2Two Fri 07-Nov-14 08:07:20

The relationship where you describe falling madly in love has ended. So didn't have longevity.

No-one can predict what will happen with this current relationship. You are predicting things though ....such as you'll never love him as you did your former partner.

Don't over think.

VanitasVanitatum Fri 07-Nov-14 08:07:48

If he was the love of your life /soul mate surely it would have worked? Really sounds like you're not ready to move on, how ever you feel about new guy.

CarryOn90 Fri 07-Nov-14 08:08:29

Didn't want to read and run, sorry OP I don't have any advice, but I often wonder this myself! If they make you laugh and you get on well and they tick the boxes so to speak, are you being unreasonable to not go for it unless there is that passionate head over heels feeling? Or is it naive to expect to feel that way in every relationship?
Personally I hope I will find that feeling again but worried I'm deluded!!

NewEraNewMindset Fri 07-Nov-14 08:10:55

To he honest from your post I don't think you are really into New Man and would probably be doing him a great service to let him go at this point.

Each relationship is different and I wonder if you are confusing love with lust one month in. IME lust is the first emotion you feel in a new relationship, this then develops into a deeper emotion - love. With New Man it sounds like you 'like' him but he obviously isn't rocking your world in the same way Ex did.

If the question was should you settle or go looking for the same kind of initial excitement in a relationship again, I would say it depends where your life is at now and what your expectations are. Some people are really happy to just find a companion later on in life, someone with similar interests. It doesn't sound like that's where you are at though. If you want to find someone who gets fireworks in your belly then you need to get back out there and date.

Marvels Fri 07-Nov-14 08:16:33

Back2Two It isn't predicting; I didn't fall for this guy like I did my Ex, the relationship is very different. I might love him in the future or I might not, but I know it doesn't have the same spark.

CarryOn90 Yes! That's exactly what I mean.

Frogisatwat Fri 07-Nov-14 08:34:30

I could have asked this question myself. My 'soulmate' had an affair. It saddens me that at the age of 40 (when I met him) I hadn't felt like that ever before and I hope I get to experience that with someone worthy. It definitely wasnt lust. I had no chemistry with him (on my part) I grew to love him and wow did I!
So love does grow when you least expect it. But it doesn't sound like it will here.

TheHermitCrab Fri 07-Nov-14 08:45:17

Me and what I thought was "the love of my life" ended, and when I look back, yes it was amazing at first, swept off my feet, but turned into an utterly toxic relationship where I was mentally drained and unhappy.

The relationship I am in now started as nothing but a friendship, best friends, we enjoyed our time together, and spent a lot of time together, but no sparks...6 months in and things became more friendly and we connected more than we thought we ever would (We were from very different social circles)

5 years down the line I'm with this person expecting my first child, We grew year upon year, and we are pretty much in each other's pockets and enjoy so much together. It never started how I deemed the "perfect" relationship, but has been long lasting and improved me as a person, couldn't think of my world without him now! having a bit of a squee moment haha

I guess we only have our past to compare it to, but some things take longer to develop and are more worthwhile in the end! smile

talbotinthesky Fri 07-Nov-14 08:55:33

Some people think companionship is all they need, but once you've been in love it's hard not to want that feeling again. Question is do you risk spending the rest of your life waiting to meet someone 'special' then end up with no one.
I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman but I felt I would never fall in love with her so I finished it. Five years later I'm still single, I don't regret it though. Watch me die old and lonely now lol

TheHermitCrab Fri 07-Nov-14 08:57:41

Talbot plenty of people feel lonely in a relationship, and plenty of single people live their lives totally fulfilled.

Isn't the be all and end all.

Like you say - you can't be in a relationship just for the companion and no love, it's especially unfair on the other person too!

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Fri 07-Nov-14 14:19:15

I think that each pairing creates its own 'relationship'.
Because your new partner is not your ex, you won't feel exactly the same way about him as you do about your ex. Don't let that confuse you into thinking you don't care about the current partner.

Back2Two Fri 07-Nov-14 20:56:23

do I accept I will never have that again, that Ex was the love of my life/my soulmate, and I shouldn't look for that again, but accept a milder kind of love in the future?

I know I would never love him like I did my ex, even if I grow to love him.

Um, yes. It's predicting.

gunnsgirl Fri 07-Nov-14 21:02:09

I can't really answer your question, but I have encountered the love you describe and it had to end.

It was as you say, clicking on all fronts, immediate chemistry and something I have not encountered before or since. It ended because he couldn't handle the relationship, later saying that he was out of control. Gripped by something out of his control. He has not spoken to me for two years now.

Anyway, I think that each relationship has its strengths you can build on. You may never find something or someone to equal the wow one, but that doesn't mean you wont find something meaningful. It's a long and difficult process, granted, but you have to move on, forget about the what if's, and have an open mind to the future.

surprise Fri 07-Nov-14 21:19:32

My friend and I often have this conversation. I fell madly in love, she "settled" for a good enough man. We're both still married and she is happy, but I think she always feels there's a little something missing, whereas I don't.

I should probably add she was in her late 30s and knew time was running out in terms of having children, so that's why she married him.

I think both can work, and both can not work, although personally I wouldn't want a relationship that was just ok.

avocadogreen Fri 07-Nov-14 21:34:11

I think a month is too early to tell how it will develop tbh. I've had that full on head over heels in love thing before, none of those relationships lasted. With exH, who I was with for 15 years and had 2 children, I spent the first couple of months thinking it was a rebound thing and would never work, but then suddenly the head over heels thing happened. (though he did end up having an affair after 15 years, maybe I should have listened to my instincts in the beginning!)

I have a lot of friends in late 30s doing internet dating at the moment and they often seem to dismiss perfectly lovely blokes very quickly for no 'spark'. I always think just give it a chance...

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair Fri 07-Nov-14 21:41:41

All relationships are different, some are a whirlwind of passion, others a slow burn. I don't think comparing them is useful, just decide if you are happier with him than not.

I fell very hard for my dp right from the start, fortunately he did too. If it ever ends for whatever reason, I can't imagine ever having that with anyone else, but I wouldn't want to be alone and I'd weigh up the good things about a less passionate relationship and perhaps try to remember why things hadn't worked out with my now dp to put things into perspective.

SandyJ2014 Sat 08-Nov-14 00:28:46

Oh yes, I have had this. It ended because he was wild and difficult.

I spent years, trying so very hard to be happy by myself and to maintain being open to finding new love. I achieved the former but not the latter. There was something missing with every guy. I felt flat in anyone else's presence. I just couldn't stop missing or loving him. Everyone around me told me my love was misplaced. That I could do better. That he didn't love me. The bland platitudes that friends use to try and help.

Years later, the original guy knocked on my door late at night. We've been together ever since.

Dirtybadger Sat 08-Nov-14 00:52:41

I think you've set yourself a false set of options. It isn't "amazing chemistry like my ex" vs "meh, nice guy, I may grow to love him". There's all sorts in between. You may never get that feeling you had with your ex, but you may also get something very different and more vivid/intense (which satisfies you more) than with the new guy. Something different but which can also stand the test of time. Ultimately you don't sound very into the new guy. I would be tempted to keep looking, on the basis that you'll "know when you find it". Or, at least, you'll feel less unsure than this!?

overslept Sat 08-Nov-14 11:16:54

I don't like the idea of "growing to love", yes we all grow an attachment and deeper connection from living together and going through good/bad times with our partners but if I was dating somebody and they thought I paled in comparison to their ex I'd be really hurt by that. I'd wonder how often they still thought of them, if I would still be second best years down the line and how they would react if this ex was to suddenly come back into their lives.

I met my DP and we clicked instantly. I love him and he does me. Neither of us had been the gooey emotional sort before or even liked physical contact that much but we are very close, neither of us have been like that before with anybody. We have both said we didn't know what love was, we thought we loved our ex's but now realise it was nothing at all. If we ever split I would not "settle" for somebody else now I've experienced this. More importantly though I would do absolutely everything in my power to make sure we never separate. He is absolutely perfect for me in every way imaginable.

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