Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husbands reaction to affair

(36 Posts)
Pussycat02 Thu 06-Nov-14 23:45:56

Hi went through a bad patch with husband lots of rows about youngest son who had cocaine habit , resulting in confiding in another man and shamefully developing love affair.decided to admit all to husband who was devastated for about a week , but then said if you want to see this man you can whilst you make your mind up wether you want to be with him, went to see relate counsellor who has never heard of such a reaction, now I'm left feeling confused really love other man but have terrible guilt feelings and husbands reaction to things is making me more confused.

Annarose2014 Thu 06-Nov-14 23:47:48

What reaction did you want him to have?

Theresomethingaboutdairy Thu 06-Nov-14 23:49:39

Maybe he is also having an affair?

Riverland Thu 06-Nov-14 23:50:13

Sounds like an excellent counsellor at Relate. Seriously. confused

CurlyhairedAssassin Thu 06-Nov-14 23:50:49

Isn't it exactly the sort of advice that is usually given on here to women whose husbands confess to an affair? Ie don't chase him or beg for him to stay. Tell him he needs to give you both some thinking time.

Pussycat02 Thu 06-Nov-14 23:51:33

I suppose if he went mad and took control of situation i would have decided straight away but his behavior is so confusing

Riverland Thu 06-Nov-14 23:52:52

. What's confusing about it?!

InfinitySeven Thu 06-Nov-14 23:53:14

What is your decision? It sounds as if it is made, but you almost want your husband to make it for you so that you don't have too

Riverland Thu 06-Nov-14 23:56:24

You really love the other man, OP, you say.

What's confusing?

CurlyhairedAssassin Thu 06-Nov-14 23:57:02

You've shafted your husband and now you're disappointed that he's letting you go without a fight. That's what it is.

Annarose2014 Thu 06-Nov-14 23:58:16

You've fucked another man and now you're disappointed your husband isn't fighting for you?

I wouldn't fight for you either, tbh.

Bakeoffcakes Fri 07-Nov-14 00:02:53

Maybe it's his polite way of saying "please leave".

Which you should do as you say you love someone else.

ChippingInAutumnLover Fri 07-Nov-14 00:05:03

PussyCat02 Bit of a mess huh sad How's your son doing now?

What do you want to do? Was it a cry for attention or do you actually want to leave your DH?

If you love & want to be with your DH then you are going to have to put in some serious effort to sort this out.

If you don't want to be with your husband you need to let him go.

Either way, you need to get rid of this other bloke.

worserevived Fri 07-Nov-14 00:05:16

Is that really such an unusual reaction? I've come across it before.

He's not going to abase himself for you, but he's giving you an open door to come back. The thing is, if you do go back, once given time to really process what you have done he may not want you.

If you love your husband, start grovelling. If not, leave him. He deserves better.

abbykins3 Fri 07-Nov-14 00:25:07

Sounds like your husband has become indifferent to you.He's not bothered either way.

Indifference in my book is worse than love or hate.

maleperspective70 Fri 07-Nov-14 02:12:02

You're a piece of work aren't you?

You have wronged hubby and your son.
Sounds like you wanted DH to break down and cry when you gave him the news.

He has dignity and should leave you. However he sounds like quite the guy and has told you to get your c**p together and he would take you back if you wished.

If this thread was started by a wronged wife, the wolves would be baying for blood.

Italiangreyhound Fri 07-Nov-14 02:31:58

Pussycat, I hope you can find the answer that is right for you. Having a child with a drug habit must put any relationship under huge pressure and whatever happens you and your dh will be parents to your child/ren so you may want to mend fences in the relationship even if you do decide to move on. Your dh sounds like a very decent person and maybe he too is very much worn down by the situation with your son.

Why are you surprised by his reaction? Did you think he would shout and 'throw you out of the house' or beg you to come back? It sounds like he is being very reasonable and that is confusing because maybe you do not really know your own mind on this. Maybe all the stress with your son has totally confused you about love/relationships etc.

Is your boyfriend/lover aware you are married? If so he may well not have a very high view of committed relationships. Just something to be aware of. If you really love him and want to make a new life with him, go ahead. I can totally understand why you would want to do that and I do not think it would be wrong to do so. But your son will still be part of your life and those pressures will be there.

I have no experience of all this but I do have experience of counselling and it is soooo helpful for getting your thoughts together. I would suggest you get some counselling to help you deal with your own feelings and emptions about your son.

Whatever you do I hope it will work out for all concerned. I am sure it is possible to move on from these things but it will take work.

All the best.

AdoraBell Fri 07-Nov-14 02:32:37

Are you confused by his lack of reaction?

Maybe he has/has had more than enough Going on with his son's drug problem and whatever is behind that and doesn't need this on top. So he's put the ball back in your court. If so you are just going To have To deal with it, sort out what you want balanced with what your son needs and decide your course of action accordingly.

That doesn't mean your husband has To still be there waiting once you've your mind up.

Italiangreyhound Fri 07-Nov-14 02:33:40

our own feelings and emotions about your son.

Italiangreyhound Fri 07-Nov-14 02:34:29

your own feelings and emotions about your son!!!!

Benedictinemonk Fri 07-Nov-14 07:34:15

"If you love something, set it free. If it is yours it will come back to you, if it doesn't it was never yours."

Maybe that's his thinking?

Coconutty Fri 07-Nov-14 07:37:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHermitCrab Fri 07-Nov-14 08:37:09

He's probably numb and past caring if you have treated him that way.

If this was the other way round and the woman was telling the story of the man doing this to her. We know what the answer would be.

So same answer here, ultimate betrayal, nothing is an excuse you made the choice yourself, and whether he knows it or not, he's better off without you.

TonyThePony Fri 07-Nov-14 09:28:48

It does sound a lot like you're a bit gutted that he isn't a dramatic, wailing mess over you.

Good for him though, your selfish actions are not worth his emotions.

If you really love the other man, leave. And in fact, even if you don't love the other man, leave. Your husband deserves better than you, I'm sorry to say. And he sounds like he'll be just fine.

DiaDuit Fri 07-Nov-14 09:33:16

I suppose if he went mad and took control of situation i would have decided straight away

No you wouldnt! He would have made the decision for you! Which i'm guessing is what you were intending by confessing to him. You wanted to end it with him but were to chicken to actually do it so you told him about the affair thinking he would tell you to leave. Nice.

Grow up, have the decency to end your marriage yourself and leave the man be.

There is nothing confusing about his reaction. Why on earth would he want to chase you or waste energy fighting with you?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now