Hi went through a bad patch with husband lots of rows about youngest son who had cocaine habit , resulting in confiding in another man and shamefully developing love affair.decided to admit all to husband who was devastated for about a week , but then said if you want to see this man you can whilst you make your mind up wether you want to be with him, went to see relate counsellor who has never heard of such a reaction, now I'm left feeling confused really love other man but have terrible guilt feelings and husbands reaction to things is making me more confused.
Isn't it exactly the sort of advice that is usually given on here to women whose husbands confess to an affair? Ie don't chase him or beg for him to stay. Tell him he needs to give you both some thinking time.
Pussycat, I hope you can find the answer that is right for you. Having a child with a drug habit must put any relationship under huge pressure and whatever happens you and your dh will be parents to your child/ren so you may want to mend fences in the relationship even if you do decide to move on. Your dh sounds like a very decent person and maybe he too is very much worn down by the situation with your son.
Why are you surprised by his reaction? Did you think he would shout and 'throw you out of the house' or beg you to come back? It sounds like he is being very reasonable and that is confusing because maybe you do not really know your own mind on this. Maybe all the stress with your son has totally confused you about love/relationships etc.
Is your boyfriend/lover aware you are married? If so he may well not have a very high view of committed relationships. Just something to be aware of. If you really love him and want to make a new life with him, go ahead. I can totally understand why you would want to do that and I do not think it would be wrong to do so. But your son will still be part of your life and those pressures will be there.
I have no experience of all this but I do have experience of counselling and it is soooo helpful for getting your thoughts together. I would suggest you get some counselling to help you deal with your own feelings and emptions about your son.
Whatever you do I hope it will work out for all concerned. I am sure it is possible to move on from these things but it will take work.
Maybe he has/has had more than enough Going on with his son's drug problem and whatever is behind that and doesn't need this on top. So he's put the ball back in your court. If so you are just going To have To deal with it, sort out what you want balanced with what your son needs and decide your course of action accordingly.
That doesn't mean your husband has To still be there waiting once you've your mind up.
I suppose if he went mad and took control of situation i would have decided straight away
No you wouldnt! He would have made the decision for you! Which i'm guessing is what you were intending by confessing to him. You wanted to end it with him but were to chicken to actually do it so you told him about the affair thinking he would tell you to leave. Nice.
Grow up, have the decency to end your marriage yourself and leave the man be.
There is nothing confusing about his reaction. Why on earth would he want to chase you or waste energy fighting with you?