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Advice needed – DH seems to be following MLC script – now what?

(12 Posts)
Cabs1 Thu 06-Nov-14 21:59:12

So about 2 months ago I got the “I don’t love you anymore, we never had anything in common” speech. He moved into the spare room and has been really busy / away with work and so we’ve limped along in limbo since then – pretending it’s fine for the 2 DCs but having heart-to-hearts where he said he still wanted to leave. I went through the usual crying, begging, shock phase. He's now moved out into temporary accommodation to give us some space.

There is no OW – I am sure of it. I love him and want to save our 11 yr marriage. This has come from both of us working too long hours - particularly DH who is under a lot of stress. Me being negative, critical and struggling with 2 young DCs, work, running a house and him being very uncommunicative and never discussing his emotions so arguments never got resolved and resentment on both sides grew. Now I look back neither of us were happy, but I don't believe the issues are insurmountable. I've looked hard at myself and some of it is not pretty, but he also accepts we've not worked at our marriage. He doesn't want to try though.

The DCs don’t realise, they are young and DH is away/works late a lot anyway. I am coping and am actually quite upbeat (antidepressants are amazing!) - except when DH is around when I get sad and tearful - worrying what to say / how to behave to get him back etc.

So right now I'm torn between going NC - as he has to realise what it will be like if we do split (at least initially), and spending time with him so he can see I am doing ok, we can get on like we used to and again sees what wife/family unit he is giving up. He hasn't told or discussed this split with anyone. Advice appreciated.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Thu 06-Nov-14 22:01:10

You can't make someone love you. If he doesn't, that's sad, but that's how it is.

magoria Thu 06-Nov-14 22:13:23

As The Little says you can't make him love you or come back to you.

Easier said than done but work on the basis that your marriage is over. Sort out all the practicalities and ensure he has his fair share of child care so that you can get time and space to lick your wounds.

Don't do family things with him. It will confuse the issue and only string out your hurt.

Work on yourself and how your life will be without him. Work on finding a way to be happy, alone.

With good will and luck he will come back and your life will be fuller.

If he doesn't you have already made the first few steps to moving on and healing.

Take care of yourself.

skyeskyeskye Thu 06-Nov-14 22:15:02

Sorry to read this OP, have been through this myself.

I think NC would be best. I begged my XH to stay but he was adamant it was over. He was texting OW thousands of times when he left.

It does sound like he has met someone else, although of course this may not be the case. What makes you certain there isn't an OW? Just asking out of interest. I hope there isn't but its an all too familiar story sad

If he doesn't want to be with you any more why hasn't he moved out yet? He can't have his cake and eat it too.....

Look after yourself, get some legal advice and take copies of all info on pensions, savings, life insurance etc.

Look after yourself.

whyMe2014 Thu 06-Nov-14 22:32:20

Been there ... done the begging and pleading and it didn't get me anywhere. Found out there was OW a month after he left.

I hope you can fix this because I wouldn't wish the pain that I'm going through on anybody.

In the meantime take care of yourself and your little ones. You come first now.

Cabs1 Thu 06-Nov-14 23:00:33

Thanks for your wise words. I am trying to accept its over - that is the right thing to do. Seeing a SHL on Monday and spent today getting financial info together. Sad thing is DCs haven't even missed him 'cause he's always in the office.

Coconutty Thu 06-Nov-14 23:03:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Nov-14 23:05:57

OW or not, gather your self respect and start making a life without him

I reckon stuff will come out in the wash. A "new" girlfriend in a couple of months, for instance

But no matter. You have your own life to rebuild now.

BrucieTheShark Thu 06-Nov-14 23:10:26

Agree with everyone - cherchez la femme.

But not worth bothering to cherchez really, it changes little.

NC is time and again proven to be a win-win strategy. Quite often when faced with that response they do come crawling back, the idea of which might be some comfort right now. But the reality is that this often happens long after you give a damn any more, which is actually a blessing.

highviolet Thu 06-Nov-14 23:32:04

FWIW there is only one thing to do when this happens - let them go completely. So fecking hard but there is nothing you can do to change anything about him or what he is doing.

Contact re children and finances/arrangements only, civil and businesslike is all you need to do.

I do think he has started an affair though would be happy to be proven wrong. Just that seems to be the case in about 98.5% of these situations (totally made up stat - just feels that way or probably more like 99.9%)

Look after yourself as best you can and you will be fine in time. More than fine, hard though it is to imagine.

Frogisatwat Fri 07-Nov-14 06:59:30

Time to take back your power. He needs to leave. If you do want him back he is more likely to want to if you come across as a strong no nonsense woman than a snivelling whiny wreck (not saying you are like this.. I was)
I'm NC with my former partner. There was OW and I still think he may come back
As each day/week passes I give less of a shit. I agree with brucie. If/when he does I won't give a damn.
Not saying that it isn't painful in the beginning. We understand. Look out for you and your children. Fuck him. Dignity all the way nowflowers

worserevived Fri 07-Nov-14 07:14:18

He works away and works late a lot. He wants to leave and doesn't want to work at your marriage.

There is an OW. I'm so sorry.

As others have said the best thing for you to do right now is tell him he has his freedom, and ask him to leave. He needs a reality check. Either he'll be relieved and run for the hills, in which case you will have saved yourself a long period of heart ache while he decides what to do, or reality will give him a short sharp shock in the face and he'll start thinking about coming back. Not that you will necessarily want him.

Don't beg, or try to be the perfect wife to entice him to stay, you'll just make yourself look desperate which is never going to be very attractive. Be strong. Take control. You will feel so much better once you are in the driving seat as they very worst part of this situation is the feeling that someone else is controlling your destiny.

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