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my DD is 49................

(11 Posts)
newpaths Thu 06-Nov-14 18:09:28

my DD is 49, and was in an abusive (verbal/physical/emotional/financial ) relationship for many years, which eventually -thank goodness- ended.

six years ago she met a wonderful man who wants to marry her, she would love to marry him too.

but after such a fearful two decades with her ex, is afraid of commitment.
also, she fears that if she remarries, she will lose her two adult sons.

I have tried to reassure her that they will always love her, but are building lives of their own, but the terrifying possibility is that she will return to the ex, as the father of her children, to in her own words "keep the family together"

my DD after a protracted struggle is financially secure again, but the ex is putting pressure on her to "try again".
he is in a difficult situation and true to form, is after her money.

DD wants to marry her new partner, who is the total opposite of her ex, yet can't make the decision, which I fear that she will lose him.

"there is still the thought that I can keep the family together mum" is in her mind.

any advice anyone please

something2say Thu 06-Nov-14 18:13:45

Get an argument into the chink and then press it.
Remember the bad times.
How old are the kids?
What if he takes all the money?
Etc

Mind you, if she is still um ING and ah ing, then how over is that first realtionship?

HansieLove Thu 06-Nov-14 18:14:12

Have you written about this before? It sounds familiar. Ex wanting to get at her money.

newpaths Thu 06-Nov-14 18:34:38

I have reminded Dd about the awful and prolonged abuse in detail, she agrees it was horrific, and now should be time for her.

but , she is afraid that by remarrying,.... her ex could "turn the children against her" even though they are young adults.

maybe this fear is not uncommon in second marriages, that the one moving forward could lose the children?

Madamnit Thu 06-Nov-14 18:37:29

Could you get the kids to reassure her?

aurynne Thu 06-Nov-14 20:04:44

She is 49, surely she is perfectly capable of choosing who, if and when to marry according to her best interests without her mother interfering.

Cabrinha Thu 06-Nov-14 20:36:18

She needs to talk to the kids - grown ups, of course!
But look, she doesn't have to marry the current man. If it would upset her kids, then she needs to time to sort that out - though ultimately she has to live her own life.
If the boyfriend can't wait for that, he's not worth marrying.

drudgetrudy Fri 07-Nov-14 16:17:58

Not sure that OP could be described as interfering as it sounds as if her daughter is asking her opinion and seeking her advice. She just sounds concerned about her daughter as most of us will be until we die.
People ask for advice on here all the time and complete strangers give advice (interfere?).

OP -I think I would say to your daughter, "Look, I really can't tell you what to do-it has to be your own decision and I will support you whatever you do.
I can't help worrying though because I remember how badly your ex treated you and I don't think he'll change. The boys are growing up now and starting to live their own lives, why do you think you would lose them if you move on? Have you talked to them about it?"
Then just listen and support.
Send her on here-she'll soon be told to LTB grin

MexicanSpringtime Fri 07-Nov-14 16:55:58

drudgetrudy

This

Yes, we do continue to worry about our children until death do us part, but sometimes when one of them is determined to "ruin their lives" there is nothing we can do and it is possible to step back emotionally, as it is not the same as when they are children and under our care.

PacificDogwood Fri 07-Nov-14 17:00:52

Yes, send her on here - seriously, she could do worse for advice and opinions.

Ultimately neither we nor you can make any decisions for her and cannot change her mind if it is set.

How old are her sons?
If they are adults then I don't really see how their father would 'turn' them against their mother - hopefully they have a bit more understanding of the complexities of adult relationships than to be easily manipulated.

And as to 'keeping the family together' - it's not much of a family if dad keeps abusing mum, is it? Again, what family if the sons are adult or near-adult and likely to have their own lives??

drudgetrudy Fri 07-Nov-14 17:05:06

I agree OP should not try to tell her daughter what to do (read my full post) but if her daughter is asking her opinion surely she can give it.
However I think I made it clear that I hoped OP would support her daughter whatever she does and not try to push her to any particular course of action.

Must be difficult to watch your daughter return to an abusive relationship whilst anyone else can holler LTB.

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