When the dc were little I started to do everything regarding childcare and housework whilst dh went to work. At the time this seemed pretty fair and came naturally. However, now the dc are 8 and 10 and I still do EVERYTHING. All housework and all childcare. The difference is that now I work too. For 3 years I have worked 4 days a week but nothing has changed for him. I am completely frazzled and feel totally unappreciated . On top of this dh barely shows me any affection except for when he wants sex. Recently I have started to think about being with another man who appreciates me, which would horrify dh. However, I can see I am partly to blame for letting him get away with it for so long. How can I get him to see that he needs to help more and show me more love without sounding like a nagging wife. I need him to stop treating me like a housekeeper with benefits.
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YOu sound like a very nice unselfish person and your dh is taking advantage of that.
My dh does absolutely nothign around the house (and creates a lot of mess) so I understand your frustration, but he works very long hours and I work only a few (expat situation) so I'm not in a position to protest. Plus, given his work load and travel schedule, he is a very involved father and enjoys shopping for food and cooking etc when he is here. He also happily runs lots of errands although I am sure this is to avoid housework 
Think Hermitcrabs suggestions are very clever and subtle and much better than mine, but fwiw ....
In your position, if he still doesn't get it, I think I would organise a proper meeting with your dh outside the house. (This should have happen 4 yrs ago 
but better late than never!) Plan childcare and organise it like you would a work meeting. Write out your objectives and what you want to achieve by the end of it. Also, sort dates for implementation and set another meeting (perhaps two or three months on?) for a review of how it is working. That way he gets the message that you are serious.
Tell him you feel totally and utterly unappreciated in every way. That you are unhappy and that things have to change. Be unapologetic and unequivocal. This situation is not your fault. He needs to receive this message loud and clear.
There's no need to nag. Having written down all the tasks you do (everything!) over the previous fortnight or month, just present him with a list and then agree a 60/40 split or whatever you would be happy with.
Incude your dc in the chore list too (you don't want them to grow up like him!)
Be strong over the implementation period. Do not bail him out ever! (It would help, as previously suggested, if some of the tasks he does impact mostly on him if left undone ie his work shirts, his food etc.) Just stick to your tasks resolutely and ignore the rest. If things are left undone, refer him to the list. Make him feel accountable.
NO need to reveal this at the outset, but I think you need to decide on a consequence at the end of two or three months, if he doesn't comply. (Plan time away to think about things, book yourself a holiday, a trial period living on your own. It depends on how strongly you feel about all of this and how far you are prepared to go to achieve equality in the chore dept.)
Once the housework is sorted, you then have a clear space in which to work on the rest of your relationship.
Sorry for huge post (I the flu, so high temp must be making me ramble) All of the above is of course much easier to write down than to implement! Rlis not that easy! I have a sister who has had the same issues throughout her married life and only now, upon retirement, is she starting to address some of them. She wishes she had done so much earlier ... .
Good luck 
hermit good
Someone typed about partner wanting family to go out while they rush around doing everything. You shouldn't have to do this, its wifework, but I say, before we go out, baby needs a snack, washing needs hanging out, and we need to take a picnic. Do you want to make sandwiches and ill do the washing? Would that not work on some of these thick skinned men?
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Have you both sat down together and had an adult conversation about this and the frustration that it is causing you? If not, I would recommend that this is a good place to start.
When I went back to work after DD1, I wrote down a list of all household chores, house admin, garden work etc. (it is a long and tedious list) and then DH and I sat down and discussed who was responsible for what and divided it up. That way if he doesn't take out the bins, I just point to the list rather than have to "nag" him about it as it is something that we agreed. BUT it does mean that I have to let him do things his way and not expect him to do things the same way I would. A small price to pay for my sanity 
. Maybe you could try something similar and see where you get to
I agree with tobysmum that treating it like he is "helping out" is not the way to go. The household is a joint responsibility and should be treated as such.
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