Long lonely weekend

[alongcamespiders]

Hi, my children are with their father this weekend. I have had quite a traumatic few years and have always been able to count my good friends on the fingers of one hand.
I have been feeling increasingly lonely since the drama of my marriage ending has quietened down friends have been less forthcoming and many I have only seen once in a year, I do have a couple of close friends but when I have child free time I tend to prefer to spend it without other people's children...
I did a shout out earlier in the week to two friends who are very old friends who I don't see that often, I said I am free all weekend and asked if they wanted to catch up, one took two days to reply saying no and the other took three days to reply but replied yes.
The thing is, in the meantime I decided that rather than wait and feel sorry for myself I would take myself away for the weekend and treat myself to some nice times, somewhere else on my own, I thought if I'm home alone all weekend scrabbling around sadly for stuff to do it could be depressing whereas if I'm away somewhere new I can really fill the time up.
I was on the verge of booking my accommodation when the second friend replied, apologising for the lateness of the reply but do I want to go for drinks this sat
.
So now I'm thinking shall I just apologise and say that I have decided to go away instead or accept and go out with her and do stuff around the house, catch up with chores, fitness etc?
Bit of a back story, I have experienced some ill health over the years and due to my condition I have often agreed to social events then cancelled (not always at the last minute) due to the up and down nature of my health.
I know that this friend in particular got fed up with me chopping and changing my mind.
I bumped into her the other day, she was out with other friends and I was with my kids, it was quite an awkward exchange.
Please help me to decide what to do, weekend away alone seeing new things and chilling out or a weekend home alone with a night out with a very old friend trying to salvage something that's barely there now?
Thanks so much

[twentyten]

Which option makes you feel happier? Is this friendship dead or dormant? Follow your heart.

[Quitelikely]

I would probably save the friendship! Honestly having friends IMO is vital, especially at times like this...........

[nicenewdusters]

I'd opt for the friend. Presumably you're going to have more weekends without your kids so treat yourself then.

[alongcamespiders]

Both options make me feel happy although the weekend away would be interesting, new stuff etc it would still be just me, I like to try and be self sufficient when I can so that I don't struggle too much with feeling lonely, I'm not sure whether our friendship is dead or dormant, it's hard to tell, every time we have contact she talks about how tired she is but I hear from various sources that she still has a pretty active social life, i feel like I haven't really found my niche yet since developing my health issues, becoming a mum, then single mum etc, everybody seems to have quite solid circles but lots of my friends and I just don't fit anymore, I can't really drink due to my health and meds, so my old friends who were mainly around drinking seem not to have understood or accepted my reluctance to drink alcohol , my newer friends with kids are all somewhat younger than me and are all in strong friendship groups already so I tend to be on the peripherary and my old friends with kids don't tend to want to go out or aren't available when I am, or have their own new friends from their own areas or toddler groups etc, I feel decidedly left out or like an afterthought, probably a bit of low self esteem talking as well...
Thanks

[alongcamespiders]

Although it's a stale friendship I'm not sure if one night out will 'save' it... Oh I'm so disheartened right now.

[dadwood]

IMO You are just between accessible groups of friends. When your circumstances change sometimes it takes a while for the new friends who you can access easily to appear. They will come.
The older friends can become harder to reach because of locality and time constraints as well as possibly diverging lifestyles. It doesn't mean they are no longer friends, it just means that it's a little harder to access them.
I hope you have a good weekend!

[alongcamespiders]

hi Dadwood yes thats the stage I find myself in at the moment, it's all part of the transition that I'm going thogh, I am patient up to a point but the weekends and eves home alone are starting to grate. It doesn't help that I have no supportive family and my ex husband works long and irregular hours so I struggle with joining groups and making friends that way or even just occupying myself with evening classes etc because I can't commit
Fully to anything, he also works long weekends as well, not regularly but I miss out on a lot of social events and then I thinki I'm off people's radar.
I don't earn loads of money so when I factor in a private babysitter and taxi fare home a rare night out also becomes very costly.
Moan moan moan!

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

It sounds like the evening with a friend will be most "useful" and there's no reason you can't do spoiling yourself/going away type things during the daytimes but at home- are there any local museums/parks/galleries/zoos/historic buildings/ancient sites/theatre matinees near where you live that you could go to? Don't have to just scrabble around the house waiting for the evening to happen.

Have a lovely time just doing exactly what you want to do :-)

[twentyten]

One day give some great thoughts- have a day away going somewhere new and different. Cheaper than a weekend- indulge in a gallery / museum/ whatever you fancy. Try online friends too. This is a transition- be kind to yourself.

[alongcamespiders]

I have tried a few times to join my local gingerbread group but I never get replies, wonder if I'm using an out of date contact address, the one from the gingerbread website was returned undeliverable.
I'm trying really hard to accentuate the positive , maybe these dark days make it harder, I'm pretty good at finding stuff to amuse me but am not very confident anymore. I bumped into my abusive ex this week which I think has impacted on hw I feel about myself.
I'm awaiting some ptsd treatment but the wait list is quite long,
I am in counselling, I had a great counsellor but she left and I have a new one through my work but she's pretty shit, I can't afford to pay privately for a therapist so am trying to sort stuff out on my own with help from t'interweb and books.
My house is pretty filthy right now, I'm struggling to motivate myself to clean and hoover, despite trying to keep fit I really struggle with lifting, hoovering etc and the kids are quite small and physically demanding, plus working and childcare juggling etc is taking it right out of me.
I just really want a friend, my closest friend is struggling with her own MH issues and relationship problems and my other closest friend is so pragmatic to the point of being completely unable to hear any of my feelings or sadness and another close friend is yo yo-ing back and forth from another abuser and it's all too close to home for me right now, another close friend is lovely to be around but she is very needy also and completely in thrall to her partner so is never available unless it's to do stuff with the kids when he's at work which is when I'm working mainly, even if I'm alone she only wants to meet with her kids so it's not much of a break for me.

[dadwood]

What about Mumsnet local?

[alongcamespiders]

Thanks dadwood I'll look into it, I have made some more tentative overtures on gingerbread site just now, would prob have to change my username for me local, the stuff I've posted here could freak out prospective new pals!

[dadwood]

could freak out prospective new pals - Nonsense! , but a name change is a good idea anyway for local I believe.

[alongcamespiders]

Oh I don't know , I've posted she heavy shit on here over the years although tbh I have name changed quite a few times, this forum has been a godsend, I would just love to make friends I can share with like I do on here!

[alongcamespiders]

*some heavy shit!

[alongcamespiders]

I decided to stay home and it's been awesome, I have restored some old, dying boots, been on an epic cycle ride, had a beautiful beach walk, washed some dirty carpet and other chores, went out for drinks with my old friend and it was an absolute blast, it was really good to reconnect, we had lots to say and lots to laugh about, it was so worth doing,thanks for the push everyone ?? and today, breakfast in bed with the (online) papers and off for a swim and some local sightseeing today. I'm so glad I stayed home.

[MushroomSoup]

Hurray! Sounds fun and productive!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

[twentyten]

Well done! Sounds great! Well done for making the effort.

[alongcamespiders]

Thanks guys, it's funny but I am actually really excited about how productive I've been and about the amount of fun I've had, mainly alone.
I have spent so much time outdoors, I am grateful to global warming for the awesome weather. It's been very therapeutic and old hippie alert very healing.

[alongcamespiders]

Thanks for the flowers twentyten

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

So happy to hear the weekend went well and you not only had fun but got useful stuff done and recharged your batteries.

Loneliness is a bitch. Well done, you.

[alongcamespiders]

Loneliness is indeed a fucker. I know that I can find ways to keep it at bay , it's just a matter of pushing myself that bit further out of my rut each time

[dadwood]

I am happy to hear the weekend went well as well. Sounds like a great success!