Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Odd question about Facebook messenger

(26 Posts)
blondebaby111 Thu 06-Nov-14 12:37:08

I don't want to go into details but past few months I've suffered some trust issues with my husband over a friendship with a work colleague.

Anyway what I need to know is on Facebook messenger it tells you when a last person was active, is this true to it's word?? I know this sounds a bizarre question but my dh doesn't really use fb during the day as he's 'so busy working' ( his words not mine) that I'm getting a bit cross at seeing he is regularly active, it's causing my brain to go into overdrive but I've also read online that this can sometimes be wrong and tell u a person is active when they are not.

I know I'm sounding a paranoid freak and I never used to be suspicious but some events have made me very wary, just tell me I'm being silly and fb messenger is wrong???

TheHermitCrab Thu 06-Nov-14 12:43:43

If you log on, log in, or do anything with facebook you are "Active"

The only time I could see this saying you are active when you are not is if he has something constantly running on the background of his phone. i.e facebook messenger.

But my friend uses instant messenger and it still pops up saying she was on "5 mins ago" "10 mins ago"...etc and it will say "online" if you are actually on, doing something.

Can't see it saying you have been active if you haven't....

HappyHugs Thu 06-Nov-14 12:45:21

Mine is permanently active even thought im not in it. I suspect its because I have it downloaded as an app on my phone. So I wouldn't rely on it too much.

APlaceInTheWinter Thu 06-Nov-14 12:47:02

YY if you're using the phone app then it can show you as active because you're available via your phone.

AmazingBouncingFerret Thu 06-Nov-14 12:48:06

Mine is always saying active when I'm not.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Thu 06-Nov-14 12:49:25

Mine always shows me as active when I'm not. I think my phone is permenantly running FB messenger in the background.

blondebaby111 Thu 06-Nov-14 12:52:23

That's what I thought, It is an app he has. I just needed to make sure as something as trivial as that when you've been having a few problems could really set your mind in overdrive.

FelicityGubbins Thu 06-Nov-14 12:55:10

Mine shows active when in logged in on pc/laptop/kindle and mobile comes up the rest of the time, if you are that worried can you not find some way to log into his Facebook? (or the email account associated with his Facebook) and see what's there? I think there is a way to request even deleted combos from Facebook itself, (sent to the email address) but I can't off the top of my head remember how, or if it has now changed and it can't be done anymore

Foxbiscuitselection Thu 06-Nov-14 12:56:32

I only use FB once a week but am shown as active on FB. I'm logged in and on my phone

blondebaby111 Fri 07-Nov-14 14:56:11

I used to know the password so could anytime if I was worried but we had a massive row about it and he changed password. He has now told me the new one and have no idea if it's the true one or not but didn't want to resort to that as I have to try and trust him.

But seeing active pop up alot is so annoying!!!!

TheHermitCrab Fri 07-Nov-14 15:30:48

If he gives you the password there is clearly nothing for you to look at... but he shouldn't have to be giving you the password...

FelicityGubbins Fri 07-Nov-14 16:11:05

Standard double bluff, he says you can have the password, so you don't bother to check, I would go into the account, then into messages, then more and click archive and see if there is anything there, then leave archive ticked so any new messages are saved even if they are deleted...

TheHermitCrab Fri 07-Nov-14 16:40:56

Or you could respect his privacy and trust him. If you don't trust him enough that he has to give you passwords. There's an issue there, and it isn't just him.

InfinitySeven Fri 07-Nov-14 16:44:29

Yeah, I have the Facebook Messenger app and it always shows me as available. Drives me scatty...even if I haven't opened the app for days, it's just there in the background, saying I'm active.

blondebaby111 Sat 08-Nov-14 09:49:42

Thanx everyone, the real
Issue is I think he is having some sort of EA with a woman he works with, I can't prove anything, he won't fess up so I started to do some detective work myself which just made the situation worse and Dh is horrified that I don't trust him. But there is alot of things I'm uneasy about not just the fb messager so just wondered x

InfinitySeven Sat 08-Nov-14 10:53:40

Have you told him your suspicions?

What has made you feel like this? Is it just a feeling, or do you have any little bits of evidence?

In the short term, at least, if he knows you don't trust him then he's likely to have cleansed his devices anyway. Although he could actually have not been doing anything, and therefore have nothing to cleanse.

YoBitch Sat 08-Nov-14 10:54:13

do you want to discuss the things you're uneasy about?

YoBitch Sat 08-Nov-14 10:55:25

"cleansed his devices" grin

Thrholidaysarecoming Sat 08-Nov-14 11:02:08

Ask to see it.

Tell him you just need to get a nagging thought out of your head - however ridiculous it is.

What he does next is very telling.

I had a inkling about an ex. No solid proof. Just that a girl sudden out of no where kept responding to his posts.

I asked to see his phone and the reason why and he refused and slithered off out the house after calling me a weirdo/freak ect...

He had been. It all come out in the wash in the end.

Usedtoloveme Sat 08-Nov-14 11:26:15

My DPs said he was active and he was fast asleep next to me!

blondebaby111 Sat 08-Nov-14 12:34:43

Id rather not say too much but my suspicions all started when I started noticing the little things, phone never being left lying around ( always in his pocket) when it used to be left lying about, I'm sure at times phone is on silent, lack of communication during the day with me when he always used to call, now he's totally Un reachable at times, almost like my calls are being ignored yet I check messager and it will say ' active now or active 5 mins ago.
I've confronted the not answering my calls to which I get told I'm busy at work which makes me so bloody angry to see he's apparently active now!!
I've confronted a lot of things with him and he swears nothing is going on blah blah blah and I have to trust him but it's so hard right now, I've never had reason to be in this position before. We have a young baby, maybe that's why I'm so insecure but I'm pretty certain this work colleague is in touch with him
Outside of work x

PamDooveOrangeJoof Sat 08-Nov-14 14:03:34

Sorry to hear this.

I'd stop asking so he thinks you have forgotten about it and see if he slips up.

As a pp said, it will all come out in the wash. Keep your eyes and ears open but if you let him think you are suspicious - he will just get better at hiding stuff.

blondebaby111 Sat 08-Nov-14 14:46:45

It's so hard to keep quiet tho isn't it, I just keep confronting it otherwise I fel like I'd go mad but yes I want him to slip up big time if he is, at the moment anything I'm not sure of he explains himself and I feel ok for about a day and then it all starts again x

OhBuggeringBollocks Sat 08-Nov-14 14:52:21

I think he is checking his FB if it says that. Mine, DFriend, DH ect all say when last active or give a mobile symbol.

I'd check.

InfinitySeven Sat 08-Nov-14 14:54:19

Is it a problem if they contact each other out of work? Could they just be friends?

Him being online on FB messenger doesnt mean anything, as everyone has said, so he could be genuinely too busy to take your calls at work. I usually can, but it's manic at the moment because Christmas is getting close!

Usually I'd say that next time he wonders off with his phone, ask him to look at it. If he refuses, you'll know he has something to hide..

but it honestly doesn't sound like you can be convinced otherwise at this stage. It sounds as if you'd look at his phone and rather than being relieved if there is nothing there, you'd just think that he'd deleted the evidence. You've said yourself that he reassures you and you believe it and feel okay but it comes back.

Is there anything you can do to improve your insecurity? What would help at the moment? If might be worth working that out and dealing with that first, so you can be objective with your DH.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: