Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't like this

(30 Posts)
Dumpylump Thu 06-Nov-14 11:08:04

I'm not sure how I feel about this, so I wondered if writing it down might clarify things in my own head. Apologies if it's long....and it'll probably be boring.
Dp is a manager in a large company, he has been there for several years. There is an admin assistant who works there too, who is becoming a little over friendly I think.
We were at a big party a while back - to which some of the people from dps work were also invited, admin amongst them. Alcohol was consumed - too much in the case of dsd, who got a bit tearful and teenage drama-ey, and so I went with her to the loo to tidy her up, and sort her out. Admin elbowed her way into loo, and commented on the situation, then later apparently told dp that I had been really mean to dsd. Neither dsd or I, thought that I had been mean, she went off to enjoy party with her friends and gave me a hug - all witnessed by admin.
She also told dp that I had been bitching about other people at the party (not true), and that "I didn't seem to have a good word to say about anyone".
Dp asked me about this in quite a confrontational way and we ended up arguing, and I went home.
We had a long talk about it the next day, he apologised and I pointed out that if someone I knew who had only just met him started talking about him to me, I would stand up for him, not immediately agree and seek him out to explain the error of his ways to him!
Admin is on his Facebook - as is pretty much everyone in his office, which I think is a bad idea anyway - and has taken to commenting and liking pretty much everything he posts. If I post something and tag him in it, she will like it, without even acknowledging my existence.
She has posted remarks like "ah, you did x at the weekend like I suggested", or "I told you dsd would enjoy x".....again without even acknowledging that dp has tagged me in his post.
I'm starting to wonder if she is just friendly, (although clearly not towards me), or if she has designs on dp, or am I just being silly.
I have no reason to think that dp is interested in the slightest, and yet I still feel threatened and a bit sick.
And now that I've written it down, I sound like a daft wee girl, and I don't feel any clearer about it!

chdmum2491 Thu 06-Nov-14 11:11:28

tell her to back the fuck off ! i would grin

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 06-Nov-14 11:14:07

I agree to the previous poster and with big Christmas bells on
And then have another serious word with your dh

NickiFury Thu 06-Nov-14 11:14:11

I think I would not be able to like my DP very much if he had chosen to attack me, his DP, over the opinion and stirring of some random work colleague. Yes she sounds like a twat but he sounds worse.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Thu 06-Nov-14 11:16:05

As usual with these type of threads, the problem lies with your DP. Yes, she may be over-friendly or overstepping the mark, but then it's up to your DP to put her in her place or 'tell her to back the fuck off' if he feels that's what she is doing.

He's clearly chatting with her, taking up her suggestions on what to do of a weekend with his DD, etc, so obviously can't see a problem with it.

Bogeyface Thu 06-Nov-14 11:16:09

She is trying to Wendy your marriage.

I think that you need to talk to your DH about this and make is clear that you think she is breaking boundaries. Put everything in the context of another man doing this to you and ignoring him, that may make it easier to understand.

As long as he is focussed on you and your relationship then it should be ok, if he isnt, then yes I think she could pose a danger to your marriage. Its all down to your DH really.

IsabellaPong Thu 06-Nov-14 11:17:03

I'd be wondering why he automatically went with what she said over you and his daughter.

DayLillie Thu 06-Nov-14 11:22:57

She is definitely overstepping boundaries and you and DH need to talk about this to make sure he understands that and you understand how he is/intends to handle it.

I wouldn't believe that he is taking any notice of what she suggests, as she seems to claim on FB. She has form for this, as you have said, at the party hmm

WhatsTheEffingPoint Thu 06-Nov-14 11:23:16

This could have been me a while ago, except the woman in question was a 'friend' to both of us. She was over friendly towards my DP, he did react to some of it, i think this was because he used to be a big guy and had lost a lot of weight, so was flattered by the attention. In the end it started to drive me mad/jealous thinking there was more there.

I broke down to a friend and explained it all to her and her advice to me was to sit down and have it out in a long, frank, honest chat, so that's my advice to you. You have to tell him exactly how you feel and how this situation is making you feel. I also distanced myself from her and my DP did the same once he realised how i was feeling and now shes got the hint and backed off.

SpuffySummers Thu 06-Nov-14 11:25:05

What isabella said.

Dumpylump Thu 06-Nov-14 11:25:29

Dp was not particularly nice to me at the party, but he has apologised profusely, and nothing like that has happened since.
I don't think he has any idea of what might be going on, and I haven't said anything to him about it because I kind of feel that if I do then it becomes a "thing".
But it's starting to make me miserable, so I think I'm going to have to.

Jan45 Thu 06-Nov-14 14:22:20

Your DP should have your back, not hers! Sorry but he is pandering to her that is why she is continuing her assault on you and make no mistake, she's making it pretty obvious you are an ogre and he is just, well the perfect man.

Tell him straight you are sick of her and their very friendly relationship they so obviously have together.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 06-Nov-14 14:41:31

Maybe she has a crush on DP. He forgot himself that night of the party and even though he apologised next day, Admin still seems to be stirring it. Communicate any misgivings about her you have to him and talk about this.

SandyJ2014 Thu 06-Nov-14 15:08:18

URG! What the fuck is this woman thinking? She is overstepping the mark WAY too much.

I think you need to have a calm and honest chat with your DP that it is important to have clear boundaries with third parties of the opposite sex and that the time has come to put these in place with this woman. She is not a friend of your relationship - she has been actively derogatory about you to DP and interfered in your relationship, seriously trespassing over personal boundaries.

If you manage to get your DP on the same page as you on this, then I suggest he also temporarily suspends his facebook account, for maybe 1 or 2 months, to take the heat out of her comments/likes on his posts (I agree, she shouldn't be doing this). Hopefully that gives you all time to move on. I think also you should handle her VERY carefully... it sounds likes she might get nasty. So DP should just move away gently e.g. suspend his facebook account and say to her calmly and in a friendly perhaps almost jokey way if she ever passes comment on you again, that he does not agree and would she mind not speaking about you like that as he finds it unecessary.

Good luck!

Vivacia Thu 06-Nov-14 15:15:28

Maybe she has a crush on DP. He forgot himself that night of the party and even though he apologised next day, Admin still seems to be stirring it. Communicate any misgivings about her you have to him and talk about this.

I disagree, I think this is on him, his choices, his behaviour and his lack of boundaries.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 06-Nov-14 15:22:14

I agree this about his behaviour and his lack of boundaries hence talking to him. I don't think OP should approach Admin.

shaska Thu 06-Nov-14 15:37:29

It's difficult because he was in the wrong at the party, but has apologised, you've accepted his apology, and I'd be inclined to let that go - there isn't much more he can do about that than what he's done.

With facebook, if he asks her to stop commenting on things then she's probably going to think 'oooo his mean wife hates me' and use that to fuel whatever weird and deranged thing she's got going on. So I don't think he can really do anything about that either. However, he does need to make sure he's nothing more than pleasantly civil with her at work. I do think a chat with him about how odd you find her is needed - maybe even just a passing comment rather than making it 'a thing' - just something like 'woah, weird admin girl really loves your facebook!' Hopefully he finds her as odd as you do and will be avoiding encouraging her anyway? Maybe she has a crush on him, maybe she's just trying to make friends, maybe she doesn't have a great understanding of social cues, who knows, but it doesn't sound like she'd benefit from being encouraged. If it makes you feel better, then it sounds very unlikely that it's anything affair-ish, because it would be incredibly dumb for her to be so up in his business if there actually was something to hide!

She may just be like this - do you know if she comments loads on other people's stuff? Or is it just your DH?

I loathe the facebook muscle-inners. It's so passive aggressive, somehow. Like, they KNOW that they can say 'it's only FACEBOOK! It's SOCIAL media!' as an excuse for acting like they're bosom pals with you, no matter how you feel about it. I can't quite describe what I mean but I know exactly the type of thing you're describing and it makes me feel gross too.

Vivacia Thu 06-Nov-14 15:44:27

God, threads like this make me so grateful that my partner doesn't tolerate this kind of shit, he's never let some passing acquaintance hurt my feelings in this kind of way.


Tell her to fuck off as another poster said. I did this in a similar situation dh colleague who kept tweeting him to the point notifications were pissing me off. It worked she backed off...
on a serious note he should know you better then her and if this is happening i think you definately need to have an open mind about this.

Joysmum Thu 06-Nov-14 18:31:44

He sounds like a piss poor manager with no boundaries to me.

Dumpylump Thu 06-Nov-14 18:57:57

Joysmum I don't work with them, so can't really comment on your post, but he has been promoted several times in the last few years, appears to be held in high regard by his senior colleagues, and is well liked (and respected) by his immediate team. Thats what I've heard from people he works with anyway, but I don't suppose those people would tell me any different!
I am going to have a chat with him tonight, and explain that I'm just not comfortable with things as they stand, and I guess I'll just need to wait and see what he says.

Dumpylump Thu 06-Nov-14 19:01:34

I don't want to speak to her at all. At the end of the day, she's still going to be in the same workplace as him.
The last thing I want is her crying at her desk about how she was just being sociable and I'm some kind of psycho, telling all his colleagues about how awful I was to her.
I will meet these people occasionally at "do's", I really don't want them all whispering about me!

Riverland Thu 06-Nov-14 19:02:45

viviacia, yy.

Smukogrig Thu 06-Nov-14 19:07:01

classic smear campaign. Never talk to her on your own. She'll give every thing you do and say the most negative interpretation possible. So don't give her any opportunity!

Riverland Thu 06-Nov-14 19:08:29

Smear campaign, good way of putting it.

Horrified that he listened to it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now