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Bought a house, 1 child, expecting, together 6+ years.. Still no engagement

(79 Posts)
AliceC92 Wed 05-Nov-14 21:10:39

Hi everyone, sorry in advance if I sound childish but would just like to know if anyone else in similar position, or what their opinion and advice is. Il try keep it short.

I'm 22 years old and other half is 23 next month. We've been together 6 & a half years!! We went to secondary school together. Had a little boy together who is now 2.5 years old. Bought a house together last year. Found out last week that I'm expecting again. I told him the news and he is very excited. I'm excited too but the fact I work in an office 2 days a week and at university the other two days it's daugnting as I'm going to have to finish my second year and then take a year out (luckily not due till 5th july).

SO I want to get married. Well at least be engaged so I know the commitment is there, I can eventually plan my dream wedding and most importantly have the same surname as my children. I've hinted about marriage a lot recently and he doesn't respond with much. Just says it's not really his thing and that a piece of paper doesn't mean anything and he would hate the attention. So yeah I didn't like that response. Now I'm pregnant with baby number 2 I can't help but feel I want to be "official". So a few nights ago I asked him out right, 'do you think we will ever get married? It is really important to me especially with the baby on the way'. His response was basically "One day yes but not at the moment. We will be engaged eventually but were still only 22 and I don't want to get in engaged knowing that we won't get married for years".

I don't at all believe him. It's not like we have no money to plan a wedding he has a good job and I do okay working part time. I just feel like he doesn't want to and how long I am expected to wait? As you can all See its very important to me! rant over - it has been a long day x

angeltulips Wed 05-Nov-14 21:14:03

I know this is incredibly unhelpful, but why on earth are you pregnant again if being married is so important to you? What do you think will change?

At this point in time you don't have much leverage other than an ultimatum - are you prepared to leave if he refuses to get married? If not, I'm afraid his wish not to get married kind of trumps yours at this point. Sorry.

Solasum Wed 05-Nov-14 21:17:49

Why not propose to him?

Or you could start using his name.

I don't really see how getting engaged with no prospect of marriage any time soon will improve your situation?

Children are a longer commitment than marriage. If one of you was hot by a bus tomorrow, would the other cope financially? Would you still have a roof over your head? Check that he is aware of the legal protection marriage would bring your family. At the very least, you should both sort out life insurance if you do not have it already.

capsium Wed 05-Nov-14 21:17:50

Tell him about the rights you have, as an unmarried couple, in terms of being next of kin. It can make a difference if one of you needed serious medical care, or died, with tax. Sorry to be morbid.

capsium Wed 05-Nov-14 21:18:15

X post.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Wed 05-Nov-14 21:18:42

Is your name on the deeds?

Happypogostick Wed 05-Nov-14 21:19:14

Marriage has to be important to both parties to be meaningful. At the moment, it doesn't seem like an important priority for your DP.

Presently, you have massive commitments to each other, in the form of children and a house.

Solasum Wed 05-Nov-14 21:20:00

I really don't think that 'hinting' about marriage all the time is going to help your cause, either. He knows you want to marry him, do not lose your dignity! Are any of your friends likely to marry soonish, to set a precedent in your age group?

BananaPie Wed 05-Nov-14 21:20:19

Is it being married that you want, or a wedding? If he doesn't want the attention, perhaps he'd be happier with a small low key (cheap!) wedding. The end result is just the same.

doodlebops Wed 05-Nov-14 21:21:01

I've been with my partner for ten years, I'm sure we will get married one day...isn't the important thing that you are both happy, have a house and soon to be 2 children together? How much more commitment can a person give?
I'm not anti-marriage I just don't think it's the be all and end all.
Why don't you ask him?

Stylecraft Wed 05-Nov-14 21:24:37

It is cheap as chips to get married. A full on wedding is a different thing. You need to put your foot down and stress that the house and the kids have already made your lives more tied than a wedding cert would, but said cert offers a lot of benefits.

AliceC92 Wed 05-Nov-14 21:24:53

I know I'm young and yes we are the first out of HIS friends to have a baby and buy a house. None of my friends have bought a house but do have kids. I have one friend who is married but she is 25. Maybe I'm being too dramatic. And for those that are asking - yes we have life insurance, a will and house insurance!! No I would not cope with out his wages hence life insurance god forbid anything happen. Maybe Im just being a spoilt little shit wanting everything "now". Non of his friends are engaged - they're all at uni too In final year

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Wed 05-Nov-14 21:25:57

"Listen, I need my rights, and so do you. We need to get married. Let's have a quick registry office wedding in a couple of months time."

plan my dream wedding sounds a bit odd for someone who has kids and a mortgage.

Camolips Wed 05-Nov-14 21:27:37

Regarding surnames, give the new baby your surname then you won't feel the odd one out. smile Changing surnames can be done any time anyway. Or not at all. It's not dependent on marriage.

AliceC92 Wed 05-Nov-14 21:28:59

You know I just thought us having another child would make him think "yeah I want to do this properly". I am no way at all saying 'I got pregnant in the hope we would get married' but it's just made me think

Solasum Wed 05-Nov-14 21:31:28

Maybe you could find an alternative celebration to be your 'perfect day', and invite all your friends and family and have a big party, a christening or similar? ( once it is organised you could also say something like oh by the way, the vicar said he does a lot of combined wedding and christenings, how about it? And if he says no, you still have a great party to look forward to)

plus3 Wed 05-Nov-14 21:35:25

If you ditched the dream wedding, big engagement ring, and made it about just be married how do you think he would react? FWIW I think he is committed to you, but big weddings cost...

Fairenuff Wed 05-Nov-14 21:35:35

How do you have two children and buy a house with a person without even knowing their views on marriage? Do you not talk to each other OP? confused

munchkin2902 Wed 05-Nov-14 21:36:16

I would try reverse psychology. If he thinks you're not bothered he might start to realise what he could miss out on. Disclaimer - had yet to work for me after 8 years!

Itsfab Wed 05-Nov-14 21:37:27

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. If it really was considering people spend thousands it would be a very expensive piece of paper if it got you nothing in return other than a piece of paper that gives you nothing.

Is he on the birth certificate for the first baby?

If marriage is important to you you need to decide if it is a deal breaker. Nothing wrong in wanting marriage but everything wrong in promising something that won't come - ie him and his "one day" comment.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Wed 05-Nov-14 21:39:29

I hate these threads. They bring out the absolute worst in me.

For goodness sake, women in general, if you want to get married, think before you shack up, don't get pregnant, don't commit yourself financially until the wedding ring is on your finger.

OP, you need to take a long, hard look at the relationship. Are you his 'alright for now' woman, whom he'll ditch as soon as something he thinks is better comes along? Because if you're his life-partner, you need to be pretty firm about getting the legalities sorted. There's nothing 'spoilt' about wanting to be married - but there is a great deal of 'uneducated' about drifting into the situation in which you now find yourself. You might want a 'dream wedding' but its not what you need right now - you need the security marriage offers.

Big white weddings serve social and psychological purposes. They mark the transfer of the woman from her natal family to her husband's family, and from her parent's home to his home. They advertise the female's 'coming of age', her entry into full adult life. You chose to do those things without the wedding. It was your choice. The big party might be fun, if you can afford it, but it doesn't have any purpose other than to satisfy your whim. Go for the ring and the certificate, and have the party at a later date when you've got time and money to spare.

OwlCapone Wed 05-Nov-14 21:39:57

Why are you hinting about marriage? Stop hinting.

theonlygothinthevillage Wed 05-Nov-14 21:40:30

You have commitments to each other in the form of joint mortgage/house ownership (at least I'm assuming it's in joint names) and children.

Give the new baby your name if you feel strongly about this - plenty of people do that, and plenty of women don't change their names when they marry.

Perhaps you are feeling a bit insecure because you are pregnant - it would be natural in this 'nestbuilding' phase to want some extra reassurance!

Vivacia Wed 05-Nov-14 21:41:41

I think it's made it very clear what he thinks. He doesn't want to get married.

Cabrinha Wed 05-Nov-14 21:42:11

My daughter has my ex's surname, but that was my choice (it's a nice name) and I don't care about us having the same name.

But if you do, why did you give your child his name? You can start by changing that.

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