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Husband's behavior is so hurtful

(11 Posts)
buddybear77 Wed 05-Nov-14 14:14:29

Hello all,I'm new here and I've joined in the hope that I can get some much needed advice...

Hubby and I have been together 19 years we have two daughters ages 17 and 15 and a son who is 9 and I suppose looking back he has always been controlling but it's only with age that I've begun to question what is acceptable and what isnt.

We've had incidents with his temper over the years when we've argued such as him punching doors/walls and shouting and intimidating when I say something he doesn't like during an argument,he has never hit me but I do believe that he is emotionally abusive and I'm at the point where I feel I can't do this anymore... last night he got peeved with our eldest daughter (17) and as usual things escalated my daughter back chatted him and he told her he hates her and that she is a silly cow and her bf is a joke and he hates his guts,basically he acted like an overgrown child and wouldn't let it lie until he felt he had succeeded in getting the upper hand regardless of the fact that he was upsetting our 9 year old son with his shouting and intimidating behavior I feel he's never going to change despite my pleas and talking about it with him.

He has apologized to us all this morning but only at my request he never seems sorry for what he does to us and usually he will give us the silent treatment until he decides he is over his tantrum.
I can't stop feeling like im doing wrong by the kids today I just feel awful cos he said some horrible stuff to his own daughter and I feel I should be telling him to leave as its one thing me putting up with his temper but after last night its hit home how it's affecting my kids :-(

I'm so confused so forgive me if not making sense...after last time which was a few months ago he knew I couldn't take anymore and admitted that he needs to change,which I really thought he had until last night now I just feel so let down and guilty please help do I tell him to go? I'm scared as I've never been on my own and he is the wage earner so I have no clue about benefits etc ,where to start? Any advice appreciated
Thanks :-)

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 05-Nov-14 14:38:05

I think it's important to recognise that you are in an emotionally, verbally and physically abusive relationship with a bully. He uses intimidation and aggression to exert control which is wrong. He then follows up with false apologies & promises to change which is a pretty standard pattern. You're right, this will be damaging your DCs more than you possibly realise and none of them deserve to be held hostage in this toxic environment.

Someone made a good point on another thread with a similar theme. Your DCs will be planning to get out of your home at the earliest opportunity and you should not be surprised if they refuse to return while he is there. If you stand by him, you will probably lose your DCs.

You'll have to tread carefully, keeping your safety uppermost, as you plan how to get yourself and your DCs away. Aggressive bullies who punch walls etc are violent. If they think the game's up and they've lost, that's when they are most dangerous. If you tell him to go, therefore, have back-up in the form of witnesses and, if necessary, the police.

Otherwise, I'd recommend you contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 for advice on how to achieve a safe and swift exit. They should be able to help you out with things like solicitors, and who to talk to about benefits, accommodation etc.

buddybear77 Wed 05-Nov-14 16:36:45

Hi cogito and thanks for replying to me...you've said most of what I'm thinking tbh so hearing another point of view that turns out to be similar to my own clarifys things, at least I'm not going mad and just imagining that it's abusive behavior,i have been sure for a while now that he is emotionally abusive but as its never been directed at my kids I suppose I've stupidly put up with it hoping that he can change...

Last time he did it,I really stood up to him and made it clear that I won't put up with it I even shown him Internet sites about the signs of abusive relationships and I really believed I'd finally got through to him as he was willing to listen and admit that he had been abusive,he told me that he didn't want to be like that or lose me and that he would start respecting me and during the past three months since that conversation,I do see he has tried massively to deal with disputes without resorting to losing his temper or stonewalling me,he has been the best I've ever saw him in all the time we've been together and I stupidly thought that he really was changing until last night when he reverted back to his usual behavior.

Is it abusive if he only behaves badly during arguments?
Sorry if I'm rambling or if my questions seem ridiculous I'm just so confused, but I do know one thing is clear, and reading your response on here has reinforced it in my head and that is the fact that I have to put my kids first so I do need to get away from him if he is abusive

Sorry I realize my post isn't really making sense and I don't expect anyone to bother reading or replying but writing it out on here is helpful anyway so thank you

sisterofmercy Wed 05-Nov-14 16:42:50

Is it abusive if he only behaves badly during arguments?

I suspect if you got some counselling you might start to be able to recall other patterns of behaviour which were equally controlling outside arguments. But anyway, yes even if it is only in arguments it is abusive. It doesn't matter when it happens if it happens, in my opinion. I hope you follow Cogito's suggestions and ring Women's Aid for advice and start protecting yourself and your future with your children. You are making a good start by recognising that you have a problem.

ouryve Wed 05-Nov-14 16:58:18

Even if he only behaves like this during arguments, I can be certain that it's enough to have you constantly walking on eggshells and analysing everything that you say or do and that you'll be the one putting more effort into avoiding those arguments than he is.

Jan45 Wed 05-Nov-14 17:07:12

Of course he is abusive, he uses his power and aggression to make you and your children feel bad, he obviously cannot control himself like most adults can, he needs professional help, he wont want to admit he's like this hence the silence and the grudging apology.

I'm afraid he wont change, this is him, he's happy like this as long as you don't challenge him.

I couldn't live with a person that blew up like this, absolutely ridiculous that you are all expected to just accept it, even if you have before you don't have to continue, you should not have to live like this in your own home. I couldn't even like a person that was behaving this way.

buddybear77 Wed 05-Nov-14 17:34:06

Hi everyone smile thanks for the replies its nice to know I'm not completely alone smile
I need to accept that he is abusive even though it is only during arguments,its so hard and I'm so scared because ive never been on my own before and I'm really worried whether id cope i know i sound pathetic and weak but i have no support as both my parents have passed away and i only have one sister who lives miles away so everything I do and every decision i make i have no sounding board as to whether I'm doing right.

I do know i need to get him out now though i just want to get every piece of advice i can and find out how others cope so I'm well informed when i get him out

Some very valid points of view on here and i am grateful to you all..sisterofmercy.. you are right in that if i think back there are subtle signs of control that he disguises as "concern" i won't go into it all but suffice to say you are right
Ouryve...i do walk on eggshells even when things are good as I'm always aware that something said the wrong way could cause him to blow and then if it does escalate into a row,I'm usually trying to pacify him so i don't aggravate the situation,which leaves me feeling like crap
Jan45...thanks for being straight to the point,i do think i need this to stop me being soft and always thinking he might change. As you say,its not going to happen so best to get out now and let my kids be happy

If i could just ask anyone who has made the break from an abusive partner how do you cope alone? And what did you say to the kids? I'm terrified of upsetting my son as he is such a sensitive soul plus he has OCD so any upset is particularly hard on him,any advice on what to say to him to minimize the impact?

Thanks again to all of you

blondenessie888 Wed 05-Nov-14 17:47:45

I know I'm a bit late replying but I have been in a similar relationship before (minus the children) and although he only hit me on one occasion (which is enough) I should have left him sooner as the aggression he showed during arguments by punching walls and doors etc is abuse. It is not a good sign for anyone to do that near someone they love as it shows a lack of control and sense! Get out and protect you and your children.

blondenessie888 Wed 05-Nov-14 17:49:13

And to answer your question I'm not going to lie - at first it was hard coping alone but over time I settled down again and became genuinely happy with a new man. Fingers crossed the same happens for you.

buddybear77 Wed 05-Nov-14 18:41:15

Hi blondenessie thank you for replying smile and well done for having the courage to get out I wish I had more self confidence to know id cope alone,its a very scary thought and if I'm honest, its partly why ive put up and hoped he could change (stupid fool that I am) I know he isn't likely to ever change though,I'm coming to realize more and more and I think last night flicked a switch for me.

You are so right in saying its shows lack of control to be able to treat someone you claim to love in that way,i do believe he needs professional help as someone suggested earlier
I'm seriously considering giving women's aid a call in the morning when he goes to work
So scary,but I know I've got to do this..

tallwivglasses Thu 06-Nov-14 10:04:52

It is scary but you can do it. He told your daughter he hated her. She'll remember that for the rest of her life, I hope he realises that.
Do it for the DC.

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