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Porn - such a cliche!

(34 Posts)
Tuliptastic Wed 05-Nov-14 13:18:29

Have NC for this as I'm so ashamed. I'll try not to make this too long.

Married 7 years, together 18 years, two very young DC. I always thought DH and I were best friends, been together since teens. He's never been affectionate unless he wants sex, which has lead to some reluctance on my part over the years, but I really put it down to it being just the way he's wired iyswim. Sex life has improved recently despite young DCs.

BUT, after I accidentally found some porn on his iPad we had it out and he promised it wasn't often and was at a time our sex life was struggling (I know, I know, blaming me!). However, on looking through all our computers, the stuff is everywhere, but he just minimises it and says it's not a problem and he's not a misogynist hmm

I also found on the website data on his iPad that he'd accessed adultfriendfinder and webcam stuff, he refuses to admit this. He also has 2 email addresses that he constantly changes the passwords to.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that my husband is not the man I though and I can't be married to a man I don't trust and is such a misogynist. He travels for work and I just can't live with what he might be doing when he's away.

How do I start leaving this? My poor babies! I am heartbroken, but I know he won't change as he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, it's all my fault and if I put out more he wouldn't have to do it. I've tried to tell him (before I knew the extent of this) that he needs to be more emotionally available and affectionate, but he never changes.

Anyone know a good solicitor in the West Mids? We jointly own home, separate bank accounts. He won't leave so I guess I'll have to sad

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Wed 05-Nov-14 13:21:54

No words of wisdom but you poor thing sad
See a solicitor before deciding who leaves.

Tuliptastic Wed 05-Nov-14 13:23:36

I just genuinely thought he was a better man than this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 05-Nov-14 13:29:01

Sorry you've been so badly let down. Don't act too hastily thinking you have to leave the family home. Especially not as you have children. It may have to be sold as part of the settlement but that could be some time away. Family law specialists can be tracked down using the Law Society website search, although a personal recommendation is often better. Good luck

Tuliptastic Wed 05-Nov-14 13:39:25

Oh god. Years ago I opened my laptop and there was a "meet local slags" type website open. He said it was just a pop up that got through the blocker. I believed him. I'm such a fool.

Jan45 Wed 05-Nov-14 13:44:57

Yuck, and double yuck he thinks it's either your fault or it's no big deal. What Cog said.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 05-Nov-14 14:06:51

You're not a fool. Truth is people are very reluctant to believe bad things about the person they love & very happy to rationalise away odd things that seem out of character. Totally normal. It's taken a few of these incidents for you to realise there's a pattern and now you've acted. You'd only be a fool if you didn't act

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 05-Nov-14 14:09:23

Sorry you're going through this.

IIRC, there's a law of some sort that means you can stay at your family home until your youngest turns 18, your husband can't force the sale before that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 05-Nov-14 14:20:02

That's not strictly true. Both parties have to be able to have a reasonable standard of living after the divorce. A DW and DCs living in a detached house while the DH has to slum it in a caravan would not be fair. If the family home can be afforded as well as a second property then a divorcing couple may decide that it's best not to disrupt the children and defer any claim on the value of the property until a later date. However, if two places are not affordable, then that isn't an option.

Tuliptastic Wed 05-Nov-14 14:37:49

We'll need to sell the house. I'd rather have as much of a clean break as possible anyway. Fortunately I work full time (when not on mat leave) and earn more than him, so that's something.

Thank you all for your kind words. I don't even know how to start this conversation with him. He's away with work this week and will want to Skype later to speak to our eldest. I know he'll get annoyed so I think I'll block all Skype and phone calls for now and tell him by text that I'm not doing this anymore, but that seems childish and cowardly.

Fontella Wed 05-Nov-14 14:43:37

Not childish and cowardly at all.

You need to do what's best for you and the kids right now and if that's going NC then just do it. Let him sweat. He's the one that's caused this situation and he's going to have to accept the consequences. If that means you block him while you assimilate what you have discovered - then so be it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 05-Nov-14 14:43:40

Perhaps use the opportunity of him being away to your advantage rather than letting the cat out of the bag too soon? He's been secretive for years so what's sauce for the goose...... Maybe get some time with a solicitr, work out a few details, have an idea about what happens next (or what you would like to happen next) and then you can present him with something more fleshed out than 'I'm not dong this any more'. It'll be tougher for him to disagree with if there's an actual plan rather than anything vague

Tuliptastic Wed 05-Nov-14 14:51:22

Cog your advice is always so sound, but unfortunately that ship has probably sailed. I sent him a message, before I started this thread, to tell him what I'd found and that he had issues. I was so mad I couldn't keep it in.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 05-Nov-14 15:00:30

That's OK.... he's been rumbled & he's sweating smile .... just leave off the 'it's over' text until you've got your ducks in a row.

Tuliptastic Wed 05-Nov-14 15:01:38

Yes, I'll do that. Thank you again

Seb101 Wed 05-Nov-14 15:54:18

Just so you realise the stuff listed on website data is not sites visited or searched for. These are pop ups. They will only be there if your husband is watching porn, but it doesn't mean he's accessed 'local slangs' or 'adultfinder' etc. for example if you view 'porn hub' then all sorts of related pop up/ websites will appear on website data, like local escorts, hooks ups etc. So he's probably telling the truth on that one.

peggyundercrackers Wed 05-Nov-14 16:01:56

just to back up what seb01 says really - most web sites use cookies to target ads etc. which show/pop up - mumsnet do it too - if you have been looking at porn then ads/pop ups etc. will show up for things like local slags, adultfinder and so on. but it doesn't mean he has visited these sites.

Jan45 Wed 05-Nov-14 16:07:48

It's more than just accidental pop ups, I guarantee this has been going on for years, the OP sounds like she's got to the end of the road with it.

His attitude is stinking, put out more? - what are you a cow that needs milking??

Tuliptastic Wed 05-Nov-14 16:26:44

He's never actually said those words, he's far too intelligent for that, but that's the gist of it.

Would those things come up even if pop ups are blocked though?

Tuliptastic Wed 05-Nov-14 16:28:03

And yes it's been going on years. The oldest downloads I've found date back to 2009, but were last viewed in Feb and March this year, when I was pregnant and in bed confused

purplelavendar Wed 05-Nov-14 16:35:00

Feel for you so much tulip.
I am in the same situation - just found out.
Sending you strength and support .

theoriginalposter Wed 05-Nov-14 16:41:52

I don't necessarily buy into the whole "it's a pop up" excuse. I caught my husband on an affairs website. Luckily (?) his new email account was open in the adjacent tab so it was clear he'd been looking with intent. If it hadn't been for that then I know he would have lied and said it was just a pop up. As it was, he admitted it.

Several months previous I had found a live webcam interface. I asked for advice on here and the majority thought it was a pop up so I let it go. I was never able to recreate it, no matter how many times I tried and I'm still not convinced...

Tuliptastic Wed 05-Nov-14 18:57:57

Purple I'm so sorry you're experiencing this too thanks

My instincts tell me the hook up sites are a red herring, but because of everything else I just can't trust him 100% to tell the truth. He only admits anything once I present him with evidence. Webcams, again I'm really not sure. They would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. He know this so he'd never admit to it anyway.

He's tried to call and has just sent me a message saying he's off to dinner and will call later and he loves us all. No reference to my text at all hmm

PeterPanPan Wed 05-Nov-14 19:44:40

I watch quite a lot of porn and pretty much every single time I access a clip on a tube site, a pop up for a webcam site comes up. I assume that the webcam operators pay the tube sites for this and that's how the tube sites make their money, when they're streaming so much content for free.

Adultfriendfinder is also notorious for being attached as a popup to all kinds of things, not all of them even porn.

So on that particular score there's really no reason to think he's lying, FWIW, if it makes a difference. There's nothing in what you've written to suggest he's doing anything other than looking at porn.

Tuliptastic Wed 05-Nov-14 19:52:30

Peter, thank you, that has put my mind at ease on that score, a bit, the porn is still a problem though. Once in a while I could live with, grudgingly, but there's masses of the stuff, looking at it whilst I'm in bed, being emotionally neglectful and, sorry for TMI, but he struggles to climax during sex. Then there's the lying.

I know that to lots of people porn wouldn't be a big deal, but to me it is.

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