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How do you move on from abusive exDP when you have no-one?

(18 Posts)
SquirrelWoman Wed 05-Nov-14 12:15:35

Ex DP of 22 years has left. I called the police and they asked him to leave which he did. When he was going on one one of his mad angry abusive rants I asked him to go to a b&b or to his mums for a few days. He yelled once he leaves I will never see him again.

DD 11 heard and as usual was in floods of tears. I want to move forward and not be dependent on him or forced to listen to his abuse. He's at his mum's house 200 miles away, he's 47 but always goes there.

I suggested taking a bag with a few bits and discussing it in a day or two, but he took every single thing he owned, even going up into the loft while the police waited. The police were wonderful, supportive, took it seriously.

Two days later of course he wants to come back. I feel shaky and cry when I think about him coming back so I said no.

DD still thinks she will never see him again. He won't tell her where he is, so I told her. He won't come back to see her. He sends long rambling nasty texts to me and because I want DD to have a dad I engage and get upset, especially when he is rambling on about himself, how he is homeless now etc and refuses to see DD.

He is usually nasty and explodes into anger whatever you say, however meek and mild I am, never seems to matter. But my mum died last week so he stepped up the nastiness, don't know why. He did it also when the children were born and when I'm ill.

I need to move forward for my DD. It hasn't been much of a life for her with him living here - we can't go on day trips because he is at his worst in the car. Stuck in the car with a red-faced man ranting and screaming at you with a child in the back is no fun. And that is when I'm determined to have a good day and never react to anything, just keep quiet and meek and mild so as not to provoke him.

- We have only been on holiday once that I can remember in my child's lifetime. He screamed and yelled at me in the hotel room so I hid away and didn't go down for breakfast. I was terrified of walking past the hotel owner on the way out, especially as he was grim faced at DP. But he flashed an amazing warm smile when I walked past head bowed. I'll always remember his kindness it's as if he understood.

- If I talked to neighbours then he would be angry and nasty towards them, if not to their face then to me. Friends are a thing of the distant past, I'm a recluse with no self-confidence, it just wasn't worth the effort.

- He controlled most of the money, haven't had a haircut or new clothes for years. Not that that matters really. He would do everything he could to prevent me from working, too long and boring to go into.

- He would never let me know when he was working - not that I expected him to do anything or go anywhere but sometimes, like this week, I would have liked to know his shifts so he could look after DD while I arrange mum's funeral. I did ask nicely and calmly, this got back shouting and a long rant about how I never put anything of mine on the calendar (I never have anything to put on there, I don't have a life) etc etc. Sometimes I'll wake up in the morning, notice it's 7 o'clock and he should be up by then and isn't. I tell him the time and he will tell me he's got the week off.

- Sex, only his needs matter. And if I've had a couple of glasses of wine and am half asleep (haven't for years now) he will attempt to go in by the 'back door', which I don't want, I'm not prudish but I've tried it before and it hurts, so I always say no. But if I'm half out of it or ill then it's fair game to him.

- Rants go on about nasty untrue stuff. He'll say I check his phone all the time or I've put cameras in watching him as well. I haven't checked his phone for over 10 years. He did a runner when DD was born, after extreme aggression, lies and abuse. Spent like a drunken sailor on shore leave and ran up £60K of debt after 4 years. He was effectively homeless so more fool me because of my health issues I let him come back. He hadn't changed and was still as nasty as ever. But I never saw the need to check up on him because I already knew who he was, an aggressive abusive liar and cheat.

How can I move on and stop being dependent on him and be an strong independent role model for my daughter?

I have no family, no friends, no-one to speak to, no money, no job, minor health issues.

I'm glad I asked him to leave. I don't care that he threatened violence. My mum endured a lifetime of abuse from a similar hostile angry man and I want to break the pattern.

But it's tough when I have no-one. The first couple of days after he left my DD was no longer upset and happier and positive but today she was acting up and angry that she isn't going to see him again and what can I say or do? I can't make him see her.

How can I build a life for ourselves and stop myself being drawn in because I don't want my DD to be alone and not sure I can cope alone? Sometimes I'm positive other times I get drawn in and upset and panicky again. Help, please?

Sorry it's so long.

Quitelikely Wed 05-Nov-14 13:04:48

Right do not let that horrible, rotten, terrible scumbag any where near you or dd for the time being.

You have suffered years of abuse and thanks to him you have literally no one.

Go online and apply for benefits. Child benefit, child tax credit and income support. Housing benefit and council tax credit.

You don't need this man. You need to stay away from him. He is as corrupt as they come and really uses your daughter as a stick to beat you with. Believe me he is not the sort of role model you want for your daughter.

You can also look for work now, does he work? He will have to pay you maintenance

OddFodd Wed 05-Nov-14 13:13:18

Well done SquirrelWoman - you've done a brilliant and very strong thing. You should be really proud of yourself for ridding yourself of your scummy ex.

There are some tips and advice here you might find useful: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=0001000100080001&itemTitle=The+Survivor%27s+Handbook. Please also call your local shelter/refuge. Many also provide support groups and counselling to help build abuse survivors' self-confidence and esteem.

And there's always MN for a friend online or, if you feel up to it, meeting up locally.

You've done the hard bit. smile

SquirrelWoman Wed 05-Nov-14 13:14:42

Thank you Quitelikely, I am very grateful for your reply. I was thinking it was me with the problem.

I looked at tax credits and they even pay some towards childcare for an 11 year old! Trouble is at age 47, no confidence, no references as haven't worked outside the home for years, doubt anyone would employ me.

He does work. The house is mine as when he left first time around when DD was a baby I got a job and bought him out. Now though I can't be bothered with anything, if the house gets repossessed maybe it's for the best. I was strong and determined years ago. Now, not so much.

pnutter Wed 05-Nov-14 13:21:15

Hi Squirrel...but you are strong and determined! Look what you did..its very very hard to end this sort of relationship. A massive step but the first one necessary and you have done it. Hug.

Your love for your daughter shines through. Pull her closer.
You will now be able to have friends! Do the things you want to do. Study maybe or start a little business?
Make a list of things even silly ones that you can now do that you couldn't before.

And yes agree with pp....protect yourself from him. No contact.

pnutter Wed 05-Nov-14 13:23:08

Oh and tell someone in rl! It's important I think to acknowledge what he's done to you and dd. And hear someone say he's a scumbag.
You've done great! Now stay safe, please

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 05-Nov-14 13:24:57

I think you are to be commended for having the courage to get shot. I think you are also going to need some specialist help going forward, for yourself but also for your DD. I'd suggest you talk to her school and let them know as much of the story as you feel comfortable telling. Schools are very good these days at the pastoral aspects and, if they know that there has been abuse and trauma, they can really help. For now, I think you have to be consistent, not tolerate any 'acting up', and answer any questions as honestly as you are able. Children are more upset IME if they think things are being held back from them than they are by the truth, even if it's bad news.

For your part, I think practical help has to be your first priority. Please talk to Women's Aid, CAB, even your GP. Very best of luck

AYellowCreation Wed 05-Nov-14 13:34:49

Well done OP for taking those first really big steps to a new life for you and your daughter. You have to break this cycle now, you know that, otherwise your DD may well continue it as you did. Do you want her to have to always be "meek and mild" to prevent abuse?

Do what Cognito suugests. Your DD will know that the way her F behaves is not right. You need to be open about that. Don't cover up for him - you don't want her thinking that is how men treat women.

Sorry you've lost your DM.

AYellowCreation Wed 05-Nov-14 13:35:23

Cogito even.

Quitelikely Wed 05-Nov-14 13:41:18

OP

Don't give up on life just yet. It's just beginning for you! Yes the government will pay towards your childcare costs up to 70 percent (I think)

You could retrain in a career at college or do something that does not require a lot of experience such as retail, cleaning, or even volunteering to get some administration experience.

The possibilities are endless.

You should consider telling your dd that your husband has been very cruel to you in the past and for these reasons you do not want him to move back.

You never know in the future you might meet a new man who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve - and also showing your dd how a normal relationship should be.

Quitelikely Wed 05-Nov-14 13:42:52

Any hobbies? You can now pursue them and maybe meet new people.....which will increase your confidence

You are worth more than that man. Don't let him back.

CinnamonBuns Wed 05-Nov-14 13:47:14

Well done for kicking him out, op. You are very admirable and your daughter has a great chance now

oldgrandmama Wed 05-Nov-14 13:48:07

OP, I am breathless with admiration for your bravery. That bad joke of a 'man' is just totally vile. You've taken a huge step, for yourself and your daughter. You've got, and will get, great advice here. Stay strong - you WILL now get people to help you, to support you, to be your friends, without that ghastly man preventing it.

SquirrelWoman Wed 05-Nov-14 14:11:45

I am so grateful for you all for taking the time to reply, I'm in tears. Thank you. flowers

I'm most worried about my DD, she is playing up a bit because she doesn't believe she will see him again. It's breaking my heart. I think tomorrow I will look into counselling at school, maybe.

Working was wonderful, full of people who didn't tut or sigh or roll their eyes or look past you at best when you talked like exDP, or screamed and ranted if they were in a bad mood. Lovely normal people who didn't seem to hate me, it's amazing how you don't notice the atmosphere at home until you're out of it.

He hated me working, did his best to disrupt every job since DD was a baby

- got a job to take over the mortgage, after a few weeks the childminder said he was too aggressive and she felt threatened and so called the police. Childcare gone, job gone.

- next job, used a nursery, less easy to intimidate. He had to pickup one day a week. So he got a temporary promotion for 6 months and said he couldn't do pickups. Another job gone.

- got another job. Only 2 days, use a nursery for those 2 days, don't need him for pickups. Ha, sorted! Not so, on the 2nd day DD was ill. Even though he took time off whenever he liked as he'd been in the job 20+ years, he refused to help. Gave up and stayed at home for a few years earning a tiny amount.

I've been a recluse for so long now I think people probably think I'm a bit weird irl. Over eager to please. Maybe I will look at Women's Aid, but the people I've read on here who have been there seem normal and confident. I'll see.

Need to arrange mum's funeral as sister and dad probably not able to but I keep having random acts of crying. Need to get a grip.

Thanks again for your replies, very much appreciated.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 05-Nov-14 14:25:22

You've got several significantly stressful events happening at once, you're grieving and you're struggling with a lack of confidence which is a common legacy of an abusive relationship. Losing a parent alone is enough to floor anyone. So please don't think you're 'abnormal'. You're not. I'm glad you're going to talk to DD's school and I would strongly recommend booking an appointment with your GP ... in part, just so that you can tell someone in confidence exactly what's going on in your life. You could easily be suffering from depression or post-traumatic stress.

Justatoe Wed 05-Nov-14 14:42:44

Well done for being so strong for you and your daughter thanks
You have lots of excellent advice so far. I had a similar issue with my daughter and I think around that age they see everything as so permanent...obviously him moving out is permanent but contact can be worked out when they are both ready and can move at her own pace.
I tacked some of the acting up by saying that we need to work together in moving forward & battling will just make it hard for both of us. My DD enjoyed having greater freedom to bring friends back and be involved in household decisions. I'm not saying we don't have our moments but she has really blossomed and is way more confident now.

Stay strong and remember....baby steps!

Esmum07 Wed 05-Nov-14 15:06:03

I am going to give you a quick run down of my life. It is different to yours in that I had a full time job and no children plus a network of friends and family. But it is not different in that I was married to an abusive man, got rid and had to rebuild. I truly hope it give you the will to go forward. You deserve the best. Do not forget that.

So...

I was married at twenty one to a man who was similar in age. He came from a very middle class background, very smart parents, nice house. All the things you would want for your child when they begin dating. But, if anything was mislaid (chequebook, car keys etc) it was my fault. He had left them on the table, I must have moved them - you know the sort of thing. Except the accusations were always accompanied by F'ing bitch etc. Then I would get punched for it. Then he'd find them in his pocket or bag and it would be hugs and sorry.

I was once held against the wall by the throat and punched in the stomach. I have had bruises that I have had to hide to go to work. Gave up aerobics because you could see the bruises when I got changed.

This went on for thirteen years. As well as that I was the one who held down the jobs, got promoted (god knows how as I was always fielding ranting phonecalls at work from him and had to put a smile on my face whilst he called me every name under the sun down the phone)

Then he got involved with another woman and I left. Can you believe that? I stayed for the beatings and left because he met someone else thank god! I rented a flat then he wanted to come back and we saw each other on and off (I cannot believe I was so stupid). Then one day I went to a gay friend of mines for lunch. Told exH where I was going (we weren't back together but did meet now and then to try to sort things out). Obviously,as my friend was gay, he had no cause for jealousy. But in the space of two hours he rang me eight times. My phone was switched off but when I put it on it kept pinging with voicemails. I let my gay friend listen to it. I was called every name possible, accused of everything imaginable by exH. My gay friend said "You need to get rid for good" and the following week I saw a solicitor.

In the year that followed I made sure I accepted every invitation to go for a coffee, got my head down at work and did an OU course to help with promotions. A year after my divorce was granted (16 years after we had married) I met my now DH. Two years later we married and DS came along three years after that.

I made so many friends when I left exH. I could invite them to my house, go for coffee or a meal safe in the knowledge that no one would show me up or make me look small. I didn't have to walk on eggshells and it was liberating. My confidence grew and I met DH through a club (not a singles club, a club that got like minded people together to do events - many of my closest girlfriends come from that club too).

The absolute best thing I ever did was staying away from my ex. I was honestly happier in the years I spent alone than I ever was with him. Meeting DH was the icing on a very large cake to be honest! And, hand on heart,if I had met no one I would have still been happy. My life was mine and I could make it into anything I wanted by my own efforts.

Now, it is different for you as you have DC to consider. Don't put her dad down to her but point out that you are not stopping him from seeing her. You just do not want him back in the house as all the fights would start again. You may have to be firm with her on this. You don't want her to start ganging up on you because her dad is pulling the strings. Tell her you will text him about your DD seeing him. Let her see the text. If the answer isn't too nasty, let her see that too. But do not get into a debate with him. Keep it short and to the point. DD wants to see him. No he can't come back. You'll drop her somewhere or at a mutual friends or whatever. Not the house. If he rants just ignore it or answer "I have answered this". No debate, no arguments.

Then, get your benefits sorted out. See about retraining. Do a bit of volunteering. And if you do and someone asks you to go for a coffee, go! If you think someone could be nice friend bring in some cakes, ask them to coffee. Be brave. You can be. I know you don't think you can but you know something...YOU ALREADY ARE. You have done a brave thing keep it going.

And your mantra for the rest of your life should be I deserve the best. Say it loudly when you're alone and believe it and others will believe it too. Really. I did and it has worked for me. Do not put up with crap.

Good luck and don't forget we are here.

pnutter Thu 06-Nov-14 13:38:22

Hey Squirrel how are you today?

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