Ex DP of 22 years has left. I called the police and they asked him to leave which he did. When he was going on one one of his mad angry abusive rants I asked him to go to a b&b or to his mums for a few days. He yelled once he leaves I will never see him again.
DD 11 heard and as usual was in floods of tears. I want to move forward and not be dependent on him or forced to listen to his abuse. He's at his mum's house 200 miles away, he's 47 but always goes there.
I suggested taking a bag with a few bits and discussing it in a day or two, but he took every single thing he owned, even going up into the loft while the police waited. The police were wonderful, supportive, took it seriously.
Two days later of course he wants to come back. I feel shaky and cry when I think about him coming back so I said no.
DD still thinks she will never see him again. He won't tell her where he is, so I told her. He won't come back to see her. He sends long rambling nasty texts to me and because I want DD to have a dad I engage and get upset, especially when he is rambling on about himself, how he is homeless now etc and refuses to see DD.
He is usually nasty and explodes into anger whatever you say, however meek and mild I am, never seems to matter. But my mum died last week so he stepped up the nastiness, don't know why. He did it also when the children were born and when I'm ill.
I need to move forward for my DD. It hasn't been much of a life for her with him living here - we can't go on day trips because he is at his worst in the car. Stuck in the car with a red-faced man ranting and screaming at you with a child in the back is no fun. And that is when I'm determined to have a good day and never react to anything, just keep quiet and meek and mild so as not to provoke him.
- We have only been on holiday once that I can remember in my child's lifetime. He screamed and yelled at me in the hotel room so I hid away and didn't go down for breakfast. I was terrified of walking past the hotel owner on the way out, especially as he was grim faced at DP. But he flashed an amazing warm smile when I walked past head bowed. I'll always remember his kindness it's as if he understood.
- If I talked to neighbours then he would be angry and nasty towards them, if not to their face then to me. Friends are a thing of the distant past, I'm a recluse with no self-confidence, it just wasn't worth the effort.
- He controlled most of the money, haven't had a haircut or new clothes for years. Not that that matters really. He would do everything he could to prevent me from working, too long and boring to go into.
- He would never let me know when he was working - not that I expected him to do anything or go anywhere but sometimes, like this week, I would have liked to know his shifts so he could look after DD while I arrange mum's funeral. I did ask nicely and calmly, this got back shouting and a long rant about how I never put anything of mine on the calendar (I never have anything to put on there, I don't have a life) etc etc. Sometimes I'll wake up in the morning, notice it's 7 o'clock and he should be up by then and isn't. I tell him the time and he will tell me he's got the week off.
- Sex, only his needs matter. And if I've had a couple of glasses of wine and am half asleep (haven't for years now) he will attempt to go in by the 'back door', which I don't want, I'm not prudish but I've tried it before and it hurts, so I always say no. But if I'm half out of it or ill then it's fair game to him.
- Rants go on about nasty untrue stuff. He'll say I check his phone all the time or I've put cameras in watching him as well. I haven't checked his phone for over 10 years. He did a runner when DD was born, after extreme aggression, lies and abuse. Spent like a drunken sailor on shore leave and ran up £60K of debt after 4 years. He was effectively homeless so more fool me because of my health issues I let him come back. He hadn't changed and was still as nasty as ever. But I never saw the need to check up on him because I already knew who he was, an aggressive abusive liar and cheat.
How can I move on and stop being dependent on him and be an strong independent role model for my daughter?
I have no family, no friends, no-one to speak to, no money, no job, minor health issues.
I'm glad I asked him to leave. I don't care that he threatened violence. My mum endured a lifetime of abuse from a similar hostile angry man and I want to break the pattern.
But it's tough when I have no-one. The first couple of days after he left my DD was no longer upset and happier and positive but today she was acting up and angry that she isn't going to see him again and what can I say or do? I can't make him see her.
How can I build a life for ourselves and stop myself being drawn in because I don't want my DD to be alone and not sure I can cope alone? Sometimes I'm positive other times I get drawn in and upset and panicky again. Help, please?
Sorry it's so long.
