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Feeling neglected by DH. We need to fix this.

(14 Posts)
sunnysideupplease Wed 05-Nov-14 08:19:02

For the past few months all dh talks about is work. He goes on about his colleagues - most of whom I don't even know, about technical stuff I don't even understand, blah,blah. I do listen and ask him about the bits I don't get but to be honest it is BORING.

When it comes to affection, he barely even looks at me. I gave him a cuddle the other day and he seemed really uncomfortable. He is still wanting sex at bedtime though. We had a weekend without the dc recently which was nice but again dh went on about work and was no more affectionate.

Help me sort this out please. DH has never been massively into great gestures of affection and romance, but always used to give me a kiss before and after work and show a bit of appreciation in my appearance.

catimini Wed 05-Nov-14 08:26:01

my advice, which probably goes against the majority of everyone else's here, is to pull back too.

Get busy, join a gym, start your own business/blog etc. Anything that makes you be "coming and going" so he has to seek you out for attention, will make him crazy for you again.

Read What Men Really Want by Herb Goldberg, and Why Men Marry Bitches.

lemisscared Wed 05-Nov-14 08:36:20

Why men marry bitches?? hmm

Id maybe give those a miss!

Id try and find a common interest to give you something to talk about other than his work.

Hopefully the affection should follow

Sparkky Wed 05-Nov-14 08:40:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum Wed 05-Nov-14 08:41:02

Why not start a discussion about it? Mention that you feel things have slid recently and want to regain the closeness you both used to share and ask for ideas on how to improve things because you love him dearly.

catimini Wed 05-Nov-14 09:03:32

the use of the word bitch is tongue-in-cheek, ans is really just used to sell the book.

there are some really wise words in the book, i promise.

jasper Wed 05-Nov-14 09:05:30

What is the gist of the bitches book ?

catimini Wed 05-Nov-14 09:06:03

but the What Men Really Want will help more than the WMMB one.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 05-Nov-14 09:12:46

He monologues about work and sexually wants to cut to the chase without prior tenderness throughout the day. What a dull dog.

When you say he's never been into great gestures of affection and romance, define "great". If he's got away with barely bothering for years he probably assumes you're easily pleased or just not fussed. After a long time together we can fall into set roles. That's either being comfortable with a partner or in some cases just lazy and complacent.

After half an hour 'wind down' time for him when he gets home from work, politely cut short any dreary anecdotes. Do you pay him compliments, btw? Develop your interests and arrange an evening out a week without him. Fix up the occasional night out with other couples. Incidentally is he better company when you're with other people?

I think you can remedy this but try talking first.

sunnysideupplease Wed 05-Nov-14 09:49:37

We do need to talk. I suppose i have been waiting for things to get better by themselves and hoped that by being supportive and listening to him he would feel appreciative of me. This has not happened (or at least he is not showing it if he is). I feel really disappointed that he doesn't realise i need more attention. I will have a look at that book on amazon thank you catimini.

Joysmum Wed 05-Nov-14 10:24:06

When DH and I have gone through bad patches, taking the line of 'I love you very much but we need to improve things, how?' Has worked very well for us.

As far as the sex is corn earned, we've had times like that too. My DH sees sex as the ultimate way to connect and become closer whereas I saw sex without closeness as being used for sex and highlighting the lack of closeness.

We both now understand each other's viewpoints on this. I appreciate his desire for sex isn't a cold fulfillment of needs as I'd believed. He now understands that my rejection if sex when I don't feel so connected to him isn't rejecting him wanting to be close, just that he needs to express it differently and that for me is foreplay!

sunnysideupplease Wed 05-Nov-14 14:37:10

Thanks for the advice. What I am a bit worried about is if I need to tell DH I need more kisses and affection and interest taken in me he will only do it because I have told him to, not because he really wants to. Shouldn't he want to do those things without being told.

InfinitySeven Wed 05-Nov-14 14:44:08

You can't win if you play that game.

If you need affection, you need to tell him. Then he'll either comply, because he wants you to feel happy, or he won't - if he doesn't want kises/cuddles/affection, he won't do it. You won't force him.

If you say nothing, you're expecting him to read your mind, and that's unfair. You both lose.

It could well be that he doesn't have the same need for physical affection, or that it's just fallen off his radar and if he makes an active effort, it'll become natural again. Either way, though, you have to tell him what you need.

sunnysideupplease Wed 05-Nov-14 14:57:10

You are right Infinity. Thanks for putting me back on the right track. I just really want to feel loved and cherished by DH, but haven't felt like that for a long time. WE do need to talk, but I wish I didn't have to spell it out.

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