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Huge sigh and then another sigh (long, getting off chest)

(9 Posts)
Monny Tue 04-Nov-14 21:19:48

Feeling a bit low today. Divorce forms ready to go tomorrow.

Yesterday's EA DH cornered me in to 'discussing' where we're at whilst the kids were still up. Fair play, I have retreated from him for two months now after he kicked off again. I know it's not fair on him but it's the only way I have been able to detach from his emotional roller coaster to gain strength to act. Also much as he says he's 'not secretive' (ahem), I figured that I should find out as much as I could about our finances before daring to do what he'd never think I'd dare do.

Anyway, yesterday... Despite trying to get him to stop the conversation as the kids were in the other room, he cornered me into telling him straight that we were at the point of divorce. He then made a big show to the kids that I 'was throwing him out'! Um no, and double no to throwing him out moments before I serve our kids their dinner? DH then dramatically left the house (twice) and the kids were in bits (until I served supper). An hour later DH returned with a replacement iron????

Once the kids were in bed, DH was filled with remorse for having physically pushed me that morning. He has also shoved my daughter a few months ago when she was misbehaving. I explained that there is no excuse for physical aggression, that he can't blame the victims and if he doesn't do it in front of visitors, he is absolutely in control. With regard to his moods and other aggressive behaviour, I explained that I can't help with what's going on in his head and that he needs to see a professional (I am pretty sure he's narcissistic but my life's too short to tell him that). He was very contrite and sorry for how he's treated me over the years (yada, yada).

He then fessed up that he was £2000 overdrawn, oh, two months ago. WTF?? Now, I have been suspicious that something was more a-miss than usual but given all that he bleats on about finances (and how crap I am with them), I thought I was being overly paranoid. The thing is he's also just had a BIG non-essential spend on his hobby (sorry DH, it is of course essential and an investment). He won't tell me what it cost (it's HIS money) but I confess to snooping (I have lost my trust in him) and we're talking £5000....

Anyway, I've no idea what this means for me and the kids??? I guess that's also a black mark on my credit score.

I feel a bit sick in the pit of my stomach and pretty low. Until today, I have enjoyed two months of actually not being depressed. I need to get back my va-va-voom because it's been nice knowing there's a point to me existing. Don't know what life will bring but divorce really is the only option. Ho-hum.

Any thoughts or nice tales of how SAHM's have survived post-divorce would be appreciated (I have a small part-time job and family is one aging parent two hour's drive from me).

Fabulassie Wed 05-Nov-14 06:48:16

I'm sorry that there haven't been any replies, yet. I can see you're in a lot of pain right now.

Try to take this one day at a time.

Who's name are the bank accounts in?

yougotafriend Wed 05-Nov-14 07:09:40

If the overdraft limit is agreed it will it negatively affect any future credit, but as a SAHM I'm pretty sure you weren't planning on rushing out to buy a fancy car on hp anyway!!

Well done on detaching, don't feel u fair on him, he hasn't been fair to you for years. It sounds like your kids were upset more by the confrontation than by the thought of him leaving, I think they'll be just fine.

Stay strong OP

yougotafriend Wed 05-Nov-14 07:10:55

Should've read.

If the overdraft is agreed it won't negatively..... Duh!!

thatsnotmynamereally Wed 05-Nov-14 07:52:38

I couldn't help chuckling at the absurdity of the iron! You can check your credit score for free on Experian (just be careful to cancel it after your free first month).

What's his reaction to the suggestion of professional help? Sorry no advice, wish there were a way to get these men to see how their self-centeredness affects others. What he did to your kids sounds awful.

textingdisaster Wed 05-Nov-14 08:14:10

Hi Monny
I hope you're okay. I did see your thread last night and wanted to answer but then lost it confused.
I hope you're feeling stronger today.
How did you manage to detach? I think I have to do the same with my h but don't know how to.
Just the shoving would be reason enough to end things (which reminds me that my h has also shoved my ds against a door when they were having am argument, ds was being rude but also standing up for himself, and h got very humiliated and angry).

textingdisaster Wed 05-Nov-14 08:15:51

Hi Monny
I hope you're feeling stronger today flowers.
How did you detach? I need to do the same thing but don't know how to.

textingdisaster Wed 05-Nov-14 08:16:41

I thought my 1st message hadn't gone through so typed a second one.

Monny Tue 11-Nov-14 00:05:13

Hello, sorry for slow response to your kind replies. Life got pretty hectic and the kids caught a bug. All ok now.

I am feeling a bit stronger again and found the va-va voom to take the divorce forms to the courthouse myself. DH is now filled with remorse and sees himself as a changed man. Apparently, he will do anything to save our marriage - set up the finances in a way I agree to and will seek counselling for his aggressive behaviour. He now realises that he's been hurting me and unsupportive. (Ah-ha, so it takes divorce for DH to be able to recognise my emotional pain. Shucks! If only I'd known, I'd have saved a swimming pool worth of tears).

DH (my changed man hmm) has also gone ahead and booked a holiday (one that I refuse to go on) for himself and the kids, and announced to the kids that he has done so. Given that he's not from the UK and he (apparently) struggles with his temper - in my view, that holiday's not happening. Tho' how I break that news to the kids will be another story. Nice :-(

textingdisaster - I'm managing to detach gradually. Here are some of the things I did (they aren't 'scientific' or official, just things I did by myself). I hope they help:
- It started with DH going way, way too far on a few occasions and simply showing no real remorse. I started to question his 'love'.
- I looked at my DD and imagined her trapped as me :-(
- I looked at my controlling PIL and realised I was looking at my DH - it felt like the last chapter of Orwell's Animal Farm when the pigs start to look human.
- I got so scared of life that one day I realised that nothing could make me feel worse, so why be scared anymore? If I had reached the point where I no longer wanted to live, the possibility of actually negotiating life without DH might not be so scary in comparison... (Sounds a bit heavy and daft, sorry, but I was really in a dark place)
- I stopped asking myself why? Why doesn't he care that he hurt my feelings? Why doesn't he see how sad he's making me? Etc. I changed it to statements: he hurt my feelings and he doesn't care. I no longer give a damn why he personally chooses to behave like that (tho' I am now interested in the general psychology of abusive behaviour).
- I started to find names for what he does - stonewalling, gas lighting, passive aggression, projecting, Hoover manoeuvre, etc. Suddenly, head-messing became something I could quantify and say that it rally wasn't nice behaviour.
- I started thinking about feminism and what it means to be a woman in this society. I want things to change for the future.
- I physically stayed away from him. Different room, different bed, etc.
- His a-hole behaviour propelled me to get a PT job. I got back a sense of me. I am fortunate that the job is out of his reach and he can't mess with it (much) ;-)
- I went to the CAB, I discovered that things were not as bad for me as I thought. I realised that he doesn't have all the clout and the power. He can't just throw me out, etc. I felt stronger.
- I did one thing a week that 'scared' me (normal day-to-day things for most, but I had developed some silly anxieties and they didn't belong to the old me).
- I listened to music from an era when I was happy, had hopes, etc., and this gradually took my head to that other me.
- I realised that I was becoming introverted and in many ways even shutting off to the kids as I tried to find some head space :-( DH had set an impossible pace of life that left me struggling, short-tempered and exhausted - I didn't like this me and I needed to change things.
- Thanks to Mumsnet and the amazing words of Mumsnetters, I realised that it wasn't just happening to me.
- I spoke about it to trusted friends - say it out loud.
- I am not 100% detached and I have a log way to go but, bit by bit, I am going in the right direction.
HTH and sorry for length!

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