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On the verge of calling it a day. Please help.

(10 Posts)
ParisGeller Tue 04-Nov-14 20:37:07

<<deep breath>>

I'm a regular. Have name changed for privacy as DP has been known to check on here in the past.

I've been with him since Uni (13 years). We have two DC aged 6 and 3 months.

We are the best of friends. We have the same nerdy interests and dark sense of humour. We are on the same wavelength about pretty much everything. We can talk for hours. We have amazing holidays as we are both big foodies and love the same cultures/locations etc.

Sex, when it happens, is really good. We are very tactile with each other even now but in a cuddly way rather than a horny one. I know he still fancies me from his actions and things he says.

DP is a wonderful man. He works hard to look after us all. He is a fantastic Dad. He is funny and kind.

So why do I feel like asking him to leave?

We have had sex once in the last year (I was overdue and desperate. He couldn't perform as he felt like he was being used).

I have no friends and no family in the country I live in. And I mean zero friends. Not one person I could call or meet for a coffee or have a moan to. I have become too dependent on DP to meet all my needs. It's not healthy.

We have been out together about 4 times since DD was born 6 years ago. We have literally no-one local who can help us with babysitting. We've had to have MIL come from a different city which is not easy.

I go nowhere apart from the school run with my DD. I chat to lots of parents at drop off and pick up but that's where it ends.

I have tried so hard with baby groups, MN meets and even joined a socialising website but nothing seems to work. I can't help but conclude that I'm difficult to like. I know that as time goes on I am leaving behind the vibrant funny confident person I used to be and becoming a gibbering anxious mess.

With regards to our past, we have both cheated on each other. While I know it works for most people I have huge issues with monogamy. I don't know if it is what I want and desire. I see couples all around us split or stay together and be miserable. which doesn't help my ideas about long term relationships.

A few years ago I confided all this to DP (he felt much the same) and we decided to figure out our own definition of an 'open" relationship. It started off great (of course it did) but long story short, it didn't work. I ended up with loads more offers and opportunities than DP did . DP became resentful. Jealousy was a problem too on both sides.

I ended up meeting someone I clicked with (not love, amazing sex and a friend) I saw him about once a month for a year until DP gave me an ultimatum and I ended it with the OM. I became pregnant a few months later. DP has no doubts about the paternity of DS. We know exactly when he was conceived (Halloween fancy dress blush ).

I don't want to finish with DP in order to be with the OM or anyone else. If we do split I want to be on my own with my kids. I have no interest in having a partner or more kids and I am definitely not interested in my kids having a step father or them being in a blended family (OM is divorced and has two kids). But in the time I was seeing OM I felt incredibly alive and happy. I know how selfish this sounds.

I imagine DP would get a flat nearby and we would split the care of the DCs. The thought of this makes me so sad for them sad . I also worry how I would manage financially. I have no job and no savings. DP puts money into my account each month. He pays bills, I get food shopping and kids clothes etc.

I just find the grind of daily life so boring. Looking ahead to another 30 years of this terrifies me. I have a feeling of "Is this it?" which physically makes my stomach churn. I am fully aware that I'm lucky in so many ways. Why is that not enough for me? I have probably always depended too much on attention from men, on feeling attractive. The vain part of me feels that at my age (34) I only have a few more years of being "hot" and I'm going to be spending them sat on the sofa watching endless telly.

DP can be thoughtless, messy and lazy and too quick to shout at DD. He has called me awful names in the past and there has been (two sided) drunken violence. For the past year there has been none of this. We've been really content and peaceful. But when I look at him I don't feel any lust or desire. I don't really want to have sex with him (but do still have a libido). I feel familiarity and fondness. A few recent threads on here (the 'Do you still fancy your partner one' and another about someone having an amazing first date have made me spontaneously burst into tears).

If I ask him to leave I will be further isolating myself. My parents will be devastated (my sister has recently split from her H after he cheated - I've been her main confidante and while I know she's heartbroken I have also found myself feeling a little jealous of her new freedom and future. How awful is that? sad ).

So am I acting like a selfish brat who wants the moon on a stick? Should I just keep chugging on with DP hoping things will get better? Or do I break up my family when I don't really have a reason.

Please go easy on me, vipers. I really do feel desperately unhappy and lonely. I hope someone reading can empathise or identify with this ridiculously long blethering post thanks .

cailindana Tue 04-Nov-14 20:48:14

There are a few issues here.

First, you have a very young baby. That alone is stressful, boring and tiring. Your life won't remain this dull. Your DS will grow up and you will have more freedom.
Second, you've both been violent and cheated. Violence indicates a very unhealthy dynamic and cheating destroys trust. Have you (as a couple) done anything to deal with this?

thisisnow Tue 04-Nov-14 20:51:29

I don't think you should make any rash decisions with a 3 month old baby you're probably over tired and struggling to see the wood from the trees.

It does sound like you have the foundation for a good relationship still? Have you thought about looking for a part time job when your little one is a bit older? It could do wonders for your confidence.

Ihatechoosingausername Tue 04-Nov-14 20:54:47

It's not really fair how he became resentful towards you because he didn't get any offers when you decided to try an open relationship.

It sounds like you've really tried to keep things interesting.

What's more important to you, sex or comfort?

Quitelikely Tue 04-Nov-14 21:19:02

It would be interesting to hear from other folk who have been in a 13 year relationship. I just don't see how that lust and excitement is expected to last a lifetime.

It sort of feels to me that you are seeking that but I'm not sure it is a sustainable thing...................

Re your daily routine, there are things you could do to give your life more purpose. Toddler groups aren't for everyone but dc do really enjoy them, plus what about taking them to classes, story time at the library etc

It sounds to me that in some respects you are letting life pass you by, I don't think your relationship is responsible for that though.

SweetErmengarde Tue 04-Nov-14 21:25:28

You've both been violent within your oldest child's lifetime.

It's immaterial how many date nights you get per year or who cheated the most on whom; this relationship is unhealthy.

It does sound like you both still care about each other, you might consider seeing a family therapist to help you part respectfully and lay the groundwork for a good co-parenting relationship.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Tue 04-Nov-14 21:28:02

This is too much for me.
But, I wish you well and hope there is a solution.
I'd be wanting to be in my home country where I could have friends and family around me and help with the children.
The husband might be a wonderful man but he's not your lover and you don't see him as your life partner.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Tue 04-Nov-14 21:39:30

YY to 3 monts post natal being the pits for everyone.

However I think the friends issue is far more important than the DH issue.

RL friends are vitally important to sanity.

If you can't make friends something is wrong somewhere. It is unlikely that you are truly unlikeable. I am a right auld hard-nosed bitch, I find it hard to make friends but it IS possible, you just have to search out the right people.

It is more likely that you are somehow giving off the wrong vibes or trying to make friends in the wrong places. I never made a true friend in toddler groups.

Maybe a bit of counselling or concentrating on friend-making?

Flappingandflying Tue 04-Nov-14 21:45:45

What opportunities for networks would you have back in your own home country? Is there likely to be more support and friendships there? Would DH move with you?

Having small babies and children is very isolating but most people feel like this at your stage. Can you plan to go to work in a few months time?

ParisGeller Tue 04-Nov-14 23:18:07

Thank you all for not flaming me.

Moving to my home country is something we have discussed but ultimately decided against. There are many reasons for this and it's the right decision for us all. Given that we have no ties at all to where we live (uni location) we have talked about emigrating. If someone could guarantee me a neighbour who is a MNer with a love for gin I would go anywhere in a shot grin .

I agree that the lack of friends is probably my main problem. A potted history: I was royally fucked over in my last few years of school by some mean girls who I thought were my friends. I met DP in freshers week at uni and he and his housemates became my friends. I found it easier to get on with men (because of my bad experiences I wrongly thought I couldn't get on with women). I've had casual friends in the places I've worked but it's never grown into socialising outside of work. I have been told more than a few times that I can be intimidating (resting bitch face?). The OM is the only friend I have had in the last 4-5 years. Not ideal I know.

I am friendly and chatty. I start conversations with people, ask questions about them, am not a Mimi (our word for someone who only talks about themselves ). It just never turns into an invitation or anything more than a chat there and then. I guess I am guilty of not initiating this (afraid to put myself out there and get rejected I suppose) and then when they don't I convince myself I did something wrong or I'm just not a likeable person.

I am definitely keen to get a job when DS gets bigger. I did so when DD was 8 months but it was bar work in the evenings and weekends and left us with no family time so I gave it up. It's hard to find something with two kids and absolutely nobody who can even occasionally help us out.

I want something of my own outside of this house. I feel like I am stuck up to my waist in quicksand watching everyone else have a big old party. I take DD to school, come home and tidy the house, cuddle and feed DS and read or watch tv. Every. Single. Day.

DS is very little but he is (so far) a wonderful happy baby who loves his sleep so he's not having a big negative impact. We're all sleeping etc. DD was a non-sleeping baby who almost broke me sad .

And to clarify (not in any way justify), the violence was twice, was alcohol induced and DD was not anywhere near. We both bitterly regret it and have changed the way we communicate in order to stop it ever happening again (DP is a shouter, I am the type who goes silent). It wasn't worth throwing 12 years away though. We both agreed about that.

Thanks for listening to me.

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