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Reaction to shouting/anger

(15 Posts)
StarlingMurmuration Tue 04-Nov-14 19:22:47

I'm not sure what to do about a problem I'm having with my DP.

He never ever shouts at me. Even when we disagree, he doesn't raise his voice to me, or call me names, or react angrily... Even when I'm being unreasonable he is very patient. I'm not frightened of him, I know in my bones that he would never ever hurt me.

But sometimes if he's pissed off because e.g. he can't find his old wage slips, he gets stroppy. He's not shouting at me, but he swears and slams about while he's looking for things. He sometimes swears at the cats. I was raised with a verbally and sometimes physically abusive father, and when he was in a bad mood, it was time to batten down the hatches because you never knew what he would do or say next, and what he would take offence at or attack you for.

And when my partner is stroppy, it makes me feel the same way I used to when my dad was on the rampage - scared. I've told my partner that it makes me tense, and he's horrified... in fact, even when he's in a strop about something random he'll stop and give me a kiss as he walks last because his bad mood is nothing to do with me. I don't think he realises just how much it affects me though, and I feel bad because I strop when things go wrong too (cursing if I drop a plate, that kind of thing). It seems harsh for me to say, "Never raise your voice in front of me because it reminds me of my dad" when I'm allowed to lose my rag at the dishwasher occasionally.

Dies anyone have any experience of things like this, or have any advice as to what I could do or say?

something2say Tue 04-Nov-14 19:25:34

I think, get up and take yourself away. Yes he is allowed to strop but chucking things about and yelling is a bit ott in my view. So when he does it, get up and go. Tell him later that yes, it frightened you so you took yourself off. In time I suspect that he will tone it down. X

LadyLuck10 Tue 04-Nov-14 19:26:53

I agree, take yourself and walk away. He's perfectly allowed to strop, you shouldn't try and control that. He seems like a genuinely harmless person so no need to make him change.

LadyLuck10 Tue 04-Nov-14 19:30:09

I agree, take yourself and walk away. He's perfectly allowed to strop, you shouldn't try and control that. He seems like a genuinely harmless person so no need to make him change.

Iggly Tue 04-Nov-14 19:31:55

You need to learn how to deal with extreme emotions. Can uou talk to someone? I.em a counsellor?

itiswhatitiswhatitis Tue 04-Nov-14 19:35:57

I had a similar experience growing up and I must admit I feel the same sometimes when DH is stropping around particularly if it's DIY related hmm

I'm not sure what the answer is but I think others are right and it's best just to remove yourself

Foxbiscuitselection Tue 04-Nov-14 19:38:46

My husband is identical to this and I challenge him. Despite being incredibly gentle with me/kids he regularly strops over small silly things (spilt milk, dropping a plastic cup etc) because his mother does exactly the same. I'm not from an abusive back ground and I tend to challenge his strops mainly because it's a very bad example to the kids. I really do not want the kids to copy him and have strops over nothing.

StarlingMurmuration Tue 04-Nov-14 19:39:56

Thanks everyone, removing myself might help. At the moment I just try to make myself small in my chair....

I had six months of NHS counselling for this and other issues from my childhood, but then the funding ran out... I found it helpful on a week by week basis, but I don't know if it had any long term effect. And we can't afford to pay for therapy, unfortunately.

StarlingMurmuration Tue 04-Nov-14 19:41:45

The worst thing is at I do it and I'm sure it's because my dad did it. And I always want to lash out verbally at people as well, but I try extremely hard not to because I know it's because of the way I was raised sad

StarlingMurmuration Tue 04-Nov-14 19:42:28

I men, I strop at silly things too.

Foxbiscuitselection Tue 04-Nov-14 19:42:30

The thing that throws me every time is that I hear him react and ask him if everything's ok, expecting some terrible serious news and it will be something totally unimportant like his slippers being in the wrong cupboard. Seems irrational

BatchesAndCookies Tue 04-Nov-14 20:05:06

What reaction would be OK for you?

StarlingMurmuration Tue 04-Nov-14 20:19:40

Batches, I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean, what reaction am I looking for from my DP when he is mad about something? Or what reaction I should have?

BatchesAndCookies Tue 04-Nov-14 20:41:31

Sorry, I'm just wondering what you would consider to be a more appropriate response, for either of you.

You recognise that what you expect from others and what you feel compelled to do is unpleasant. Can you imagine what a reasonable response would be? For either your DP or you?

StarlingMurmuration Tue 04-Nov-14 22:16:40

I shouldn't want to blame other people if eg I can't find something, I know at. I don't think he's being particularly unreasonable to stamp around when he's pissed off about something small, though he does over react a bit. It's just that it's triggering for me, for someone else I guess it wouldn't be a problem...

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