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How do you co-parent with an EA fuckwit?

(5 Posts)
DefinitelyMaybeLove Tue 04-Nov-14 18:42:01

Because I'm finding it really hard going. I left him (STBXH) just over a year ago. He has the DC EOW and a couple of times a week for tea.

He has gone through periods of being reasonable and accommodating but these generally last as long as he is begging me to come back and then it's back to Mr Arsehole.

Some of the things he does/has done:
- calls me frequently over minutiae of no significance
- has taken only one DC with him leaving the other screaming and upset (presumably to spoil any plans I might have)
- demanded I collect the DC after a couple of hours because they were tantrumming despite the fact I had made plans. Called me all sorts of names as none of my proposed solutions were acceptable to him
- passes comments all the fucking time on what he thinks of my parenting abilities. He's very insulting and likes to think he is the better parent who does the most for them hmm.
- passes comment on how much I go out/what I do/what I spend my money on. This really winds me up as I feel like it's none of his business and I don't pry into his finances despite the fact that he is much better off financially
- agrees to pay for half towards birthdays and Christmas and then doesn't pay me back

There's more but I can't be bothered to list it all. In fact, I can't remember it all because I kind of get a blurry feeling when I think about him, almost like my brain is switching off because he's so difficult to deal with.

I really wanted more than anything to be amicable with him for the sake of the DC but it's becoming increasingly obvious this will never happen and I'm beginning to hate him. So, I just need some coping strategies before I go crazy with despair at having this vile pig in my life. Any suggestions most welcome flowers.

Quitelikely Tue 04-Nov-14 19:17:37

Do not let him know if you have plans to go out!

Also do not discuss anything other than real, valid issues that concern the children.

When he insults you just nod.

Try to get someone else to handover the children.

Handywoman Tue 04-Nov-14 19:25:02

I just handed my two kids to my utterly vile stbxh (separated almost 18 months, after 14yr EA marriage). Only sees EOW plus when I go on call (tonight is the first in a while). Lives 5mins up the road but can't be arsed.

The eldest didn't want to go. She is eleven. I told him she needed a packed lunch for tomorrow. He growled that he didn't have any food in the house, didn't know she doesn't have school dinners. Looked at me as though I'd asked him to decode the human genome. Looked pained at having to take a small case containing PJ's, clean uniform etc. (he can't be arsed to buy them any uniform, toothbrushes, pj's etc.

In short: I feel your pain.

You can't co-parent with a no-parent.



Jux Tue 04-Nov-14 19:30:52

He's an EA fuckwit; you can't do amicable anything with him.

Keep notes on any communication between you both, and between him and dc. Write down everything you can remember including what dates you can. Don't tell him anything about your life or plans; if he asks what you're going to be doing when he has the dcs just say "nothing much".

Keep him at arm's length as much as you can. Make sure there's always a paper trail. If he agrees to something then email him to confirm (but better to discuss it by email in the first place).

Arrange to go halves on presents with your mum or someone else, anyone but him!

Handywoman Tue 04-Nov-14 19:39:05

Initially my fuckwit stbxh acted like we were good mates: discussing his life and what he's been up to. Initially I went along with this thinking it was good for the kids.

In reality it merely gave him ammunition to abuse me further so I have since enforced a minimal contact rule which put an end to the 'friend' farce and enforced brief, functional doorstep handovers.
Maybe it's time to take this step OP?

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