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I've got the horrible ache in the pit of my stomach again

(72 Posts)
textingdisaster Tue 04-Nov-14 15:47:19

What would you do / how would you feel if your h texted you to:

"Find something better to do than playing the lazy teenager waiting for her lollipop".

In response to your texting:

"Being told hoovering mess up will "give me something to do", being falsely accused of throwing hats away, only being touched if we sleep together, never being shown any affection, not being able to discuss anything for fear that you will say something nasty / be angry, not being an equal partner and being able to discuss any plans we might have for the future. You do not love me. I feel completely unappreciated."

The texting part is weird I know but we have lots of issues and talking face to face is impossible. He normally doesn't reply to texts but must have felt roused enough to send me the lazy teenager insult back.

InfinitySeven Tue 04-Nov-14 15:49:40


You've admitted yourself you don't love him, and you've both spiralled down to sending texts designed to upset. There's nothing to salvage here.

nozzz Tue 04-Nov-14 15:50:18

What's the context of the messages?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Nov-14 15:52:19

I agree with the PP, sadly. I don't think you have a relationship in any meaningful sense. Are you in the process of a divorce?

textingdisaster Tue 04-Nov-14 15:52:19

I didn't say I don't love him in the text but that I think he doesn't love me. If he were nicer to me I would definitely love him.

GelfBride Tue 04-Nov-14 15:53:08


textingdisaster Tue 04-Nov-14 15:57:12

The context is that I was upset this morning at how he spoke to me before he left the house (I complained that he was putting had left mud somewhere because his shorse were dirty and he put them on nowhere near the door - he said hoovering the mess would give me something to do angry - he then went on and on about how I had thrown his hats away because he couldn't find one - which is not true). In general we have lots of issues I can't speak about with him. Need to go out for half an hour but have more to say then.

Feel very sad and worthless.

textingdisaster Tue 04-Nov-14 15:57:51

shoes not shorse!!

Jan45 Tue 04-Nov-14 15:58:23

I'd realise this man didn't love me in the way I'd expect or want, I wouldn't be staying for more insults.

HappyGirlNow Tue 04-Nov-14 17:25:19

Are you a SAHM? Just asking because from what I've seen on here that seems to cause a lot of resentment and similar behaviour to what you've described..

He's an arse btw.

Squidstirfry Tue 04-Nov-14 17:26:54

You both sound utterly miserable with each other. I'd call it a day. Don't waste more life.

Lovingfreedom Tue 04-Nov-14 18:07:36

I'd buy my own lollipop and shove it up his arse. He's not interested in what you've got to say.

AnyFawker Tue 04-Nov-14 18:12:17

I would the decision that this relationship had deteriorated beyond the point of no return and make my plans accordingly

What do you think, OP ?

AnyFawker Tue 04-Nov-14 18:12:43


Phalenopsis Tue 04-Nov-14 18:20:53

"I've got the horrible ache in the pit of my stomach again"

There's a reason for that OP - Your stomach is trying to tell you something about your relationship. From your OP, you sound utterly miserable and your relationship has been reduced to exchanging text messages. That's not normal and you know that.

Question is what are you going to do about it? Doing nothing doesn't seem to be an option.

Joysmum Tue 04-Nov-14 18:26:02

One thing that always strikes me about threads like yours, it's the little things that prompt the threads. The text itself, not great, the picture you paint of your relationship though...sad

Doesn't sound like a relationship I'd accept nor one I'd want for my daughter.

Yarp Tue 04-Nov-14 18:54:39

I would think he did not give a shit about me and had resorted to name calling. And I'd conclude that expressions of emotion that can only be done via text means a pretty decisive breakdown of communication.

I am so sorry. This must be a very stressful way to live.

something2say Tue 04-Nov-14 19:18:45

I think that him saying to you in all seriousness means that he doesn't respect you. What is the financial division in your house, if that isn't too personal a qs? It's just that it seems to me that many men these days resent financially supporting a woman and expect us to bring in money, if not an equal amount to them. If they pay for us, they seem to disrespect us, is how it sometimes seems to me. What do you think?

Twinklestein Tue 04-Nov-14 19:49:06

If he were nicer to me I would definitely love him

But he's not. This is who he is. You mean you would love him if he was someone else.

AmserGwin Tue 04-Nov-14 19:51:26

Leave, you said he makes you feel worthless. You deserve better than that

textingdisaster Tue 04-Nov-14 20:16:18

Thanks for your posts. I've now got an aching back and aching limbs. It will be better tomorrow (also h will be away until Friday I think so I will have time to pull myself together and to think).

Yes I am a SAHM. We have three dc who are 8, 10 and almost 13. The house is in his name. He also owns other business properties which he rents out etc... There is a mortgage but I don't know how much it is (I pay for food, anything and everything dc related, some holidays, some furniture etc...). I own half of the flat that my sister is living in so that would go into an asset "pot" as well but "h's" bit of it is much bigger than mine. H very bitter about his first divorce (where he lost the family home but got a smaller business property) so would not make anything easy.

I know I need to work and also want to but don't know if I am coming or going. I posted about it here which kind of explains LINK.

It's very difficult to know if I have done enough to try to make it work between us. My working would help I think but I am endlessly blindsided by the feeling that he would not support me in a crisis and would rather not be with me. He comes from a family that don't really "do" emotion and the expression of them (on another occasion his sister said they have "a distant way/personality" and that they aren't "good at being close and communicative, especially when stressed") and who can be angry and rude, but I don't think I can carry on exisiting without any verbal affection or affirmation that he is happy to be with me (and I have existed like that for years).

I don't know, it's not pretty, any of it, least of all me - am feeling unattractive.

The worst of all of this is that we slept together for the first time in ages at the weekend. I then can't get my head around the fact that that doesn't translate into any verbal or physical affection the next day (or any days after that!). Almost as if it hadn't happened.

It's all a mess.

Should add that I then texted h back with

"The way you have things set up (in order to protect yourself and because you don't trust me) means that I can only ever be a child in this relationship. I don't want to be responsible for your unhappiness. I need to be in a relationship where I can talk. Your "lazy" and "teenager lollipop" accusations are offensive. My whole life is dedicated to the kids."


"I get that you need to be with a different more grown up and independent kind of person that you can admire (like X whom you went to make soup with - by the way that hurt my feelings). You absolutely do not have to stay with me. Life is short."

He texted back : "Get off the phone."

I know that the whole texting thing is utterly ridiculous but he is impossible to talk to without it becoming an argument (and it has been like this for a very very long time). He is very very stubborn and defensive. He is now home and of course we are not speaking. I don't think there is anything left to say on my part anyway because I feel totally shit sad and kind of laughable.

Joysmum Tue 04-Nov-14 20:24:26

You seem to have spent your whole time together gitting in around him that you've forgotten how to be you and the prospect of being you and responsable for you is a daunting one.

Tbh though, I think you're going through the process of realising taking a risk in being just you is more appealing than continuing to fit in around him.

AnyFawker Tue 04-Nov-14 20:36:28

Have you sought legal advice as to how things are fixed financially for you in the event of a split ?

textingdisaster Tue 04-Nov-14 20:51:35

Yes I did see a solicitor earlier on this year who gave me a rough idea, however I don't have access to any of the figures and h would be anything other than amicable so I don't know if I have the strength to go through the trauma of it.

AnyFawker Tue 04-Nov-14 20:54:12

Your husband would be forced to disclose his financial affairs, and you would not be the one who had to do it, love

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