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How do I confront this?

(24 Posts)
Pumpkindumplin Tue 04-Nov-14 10:07:13

I have posted about this issue about 5 months ago under a different name, it's still in the back of my mind and comes to the forefront every now and then. Relationship of 9 months with a lovely guy, we get on well, no major problems and if there is the odd quibble it's sorted out easily.

Here is the problem, he lives at his parents house, he is mid fourties, he hasn't always lived there he lived with a girlfriend a few years ago for several years. His mum does everything for him as in washing cooking. He works full time goes home, eats gets changed then comes to see me. We either go out or have cosy evening in depending on what I feel like.

I have lived alone for 5 years and have my own house. I'm mostly happy but sometimes certain things are a struggle and I don't want to live alone forever. Herein lies the problem I'm not sure he would want us to live together or move the relationship forward. He certainly sees us as long term because he's told me so and says he loves me.

Last night we were talking about not seeing eachother for the next two nights due to work and it lead on to me saying we are always rushing around and have loads of thing to do so we don't seem to spend a great lenthg of time together more like bits here and there, his reply was its because you live here and I live there and I go there to eat my dinner and you said you like your independence!

What I have said to make him think I like being alone I don't know. It could have been a chance for me to say how I really feel I suppose but I didnt. I'm scared if I do and he turns the idea down I will feel rejected and it may spell the end for us because I don't think I could go on. I don't want to lose him.

Any ideas on how to go about the conversation I need to have

Dowser Tue 04-Nov-14 10:10:35

Well, maybe just a where do you see this relationship going?

Dowser Tue 04-Nov-14 10:13:25

Herein lies the problem I'm not sure he would want us to live together or move the relationship forward. He certainly sees us as long term because he's told me so and says he loves me.

Mixed messages here!

I think you need to get some clarity on what long term looks like.

firesidechat Tue 04-Nov-14 10:15:33

If you have given him no reason to believe that you like your independence, then I would say that he is telling you what you think (not good) and that it fits in very nicely with how he wants to live. Convenient isn't it?

Having said that, you haven't been together 5 minutes in the scheme of things. Reading between the lines, do you want him to live with you?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 04-Nov-14 10:18:17

Words are cheap and I would want further clarification from him on what his version of long term is. If this is actually more of the same then I would cut my losses now.

Is he really at heart a mummys boy and has his mother not been able to cut her apron strings?. I would be wondering why he is still living at home in his mid 40s; such men do not make for being great to be in a relationship with.

AmandaHoldenKiss Tue 04-Nov-14 10:23:47

Well just because he sees you both as a long term thing on his terms, doesn't mean you have to go along with that.

Perfectly okay for you to say: actually, unless living together is in our future, I don't see it as long term.

Nine months is a crucial time in a relationship. It's a real 'shit or get off the pot' milestone.

Is it going to turn out to be the sort of relationship you hoped it would be at the beginning?

Or is it going to turn out to be a waste of time?

Don't be scared to admit it if it's looking like it's turning out to be a waste of time.

I think after nine months it's reasonable, and you're entitled, to have the 'where is this going?' conversation.

But before you open those floodgates, you have to be really sure of what your next move will be if you don't get the answer from him that you want to hear.

maleperspective70 Tue 04-Nov-14 10:30:42

He lives with his mother at the age of 40+. Warning signs.

However the ball is in your court. It is your residence so he needs to you to invite him in. He may be uncomfortable initiating this conversation (he does live with mother after all) and may not want to seem pushy esp. as you are quite independent.

Good luck.

firesidechat Tue 04-Nov-14 10:39:01

I haven't read the posts from others, but having thought about it some more, I'm thinking I may have been a bit hard on your boyfriend. Maybe you just don't know each other that well after 9 months and you may need to talk about the next step in your relationship. He's not a mind reader and may not be aware that you would like to live together.

Pumpkindumplin Tue 04-Nov-14 10:50:01

To tell the truth I think he lives there because it's cheaper obviously and yes I admit he's doing it as an easy option. To get a decent place to rent in this county costs a fortune and as he said wouldn't leave him with much money left over.

He's very easy to get along with and I can express my feelings over everything except this one topic because I'm scared he will say he doesn't want to and my happy world for the last nine months will come crashing down as he wont be the man I thought he was. Logic tells me I have to know one way or the other but I just can't bring myself to say anything.

He has over the months said a few things which may or may not be hints or openings. For example how much he loves being here with me, he can see himself spending the rest of his life with me. He was discussing pensions and he only has tiny one so I said what will he do to which his reply was he will have some money from parents house, I said but you'll need somewhere to live and he half jokingly said I could come live with you. All these were said at different times not in the same conversation

I have said to him perhaps a couple of times when my son was home from uni that I thought I had got too used to living on my own and he replied you don't seem to mind when I'm here. So perhaps that's why he thinks I prefer independence. What do you think ?

AuntieStella Tue 04-Nov-14 10:53:43

Your comment about what he said on liking your independence got me thinking.

You perhaps did make some comment or other, not hugely important to you as you can't even remember it, and he's created it in his mind into some important character trait which he now thinks he's guided by. I wonder if he does this a lot. Would one comment about not wanting to go out one night morph into 'she doesn't like the cinema, so I mustn't suggest it again'?

And if he is making assumptions about you and turning them into his 'rules' are they set in stone forever, or does he actually check his assumptions (explicitly with you, or just by observation)?

Now, if it's a one-off misunderstanding, ignore me. But if he has this tendency, do think about what it means. The worst case is that everything scratchy will somehow be 'your fault' because of some trivial comment in the past.

It does sound as if you need to work on communication with him. As you approach the 1 year mark, if things are OK, it shouldn't be daunting to talk about the future. If you didn't speak then simply because you felt a bit bounced and unprepared, fair enough. But if you're worried beyond that, it's not a good indicator.

AuntieStella Tue 04-Nov-14 10:54:30

x-ed with your last

ChippingInAutumnLover Tue 04-Nov-14 10:59:22

So, he's been back at his parents house a few years now?

Has he saved up a massive deposit to buy a house? Because that's about the only reason I could accept from a man in his 40's 'living at home' (well, unless he was caring for his parents, then that's different).

I would also take note that he said 'I could come and live with you' he didn't say we could live together. It's a small difference, but to me it implies he'd be expecting you to do all the things his Mammy does for him.

It's just weird that he goes home, has he tea, then goes out to play - are you sure he's 40 not 14 grin

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith Tue 04-Nov-14 11:25:49

I agree with PP, I fear you might just end up playing 'mum' if he moves in with you.

Pumpkindumplin Tue 04-Nov-14 11:29:32

Oh god it doesn't sound good does it sad
chipping I don't think its quite like that. He has to go home to shower and change and so eats as well. Funny really how I've come to veiw this as not odd whereas at the start I was surprised that he lived there. I'm not sure he thinks I would do everything for him if I took over from his mum as I have a chronic illness which means often I can't do things. I have also commented on certain things in his situation so I think he knows I wouldn't be 'looking after" him

firesidechat Tue 04-Nov-14 11:34:56

I may have missed this, but does he ever eat at your house? If not I would find that odd. Does he stay at your house overnight? Sorry to be so nosey but it helps to get a feel for how he rations out his time.

ChippingInAutumnLover Tue 04-Nov-14 11:43:00

No it doesn't sound good. It's just such a 'teenage' arrangement, I couldn't be done with it.

He went from Mammy to GF & back to Mammy (and has been there years)... and you don't think he's going to expect you to 'look after him'? You really think he's going to be able to function as half a couple and pull his weight when he's likely never had to? I'd say you are dreaming, I think he will resent having to cook/clean/do laundry, let alone actually be able to think about what needs doing. Ugh. No thanks!

There is something deeply wet about a 40 year old man who would rather live with his parents, go home after work, have a shower, have dinner with his parents then go out and visit his girlfriend and be totally happy with that arrangement...

But it's up to you love, you can keep defending him/the positively odd situation or you can think about why you posted...

Pumpkindumplin Tue 04-Nov-14 11:44:06

Yes he actually spends the vast majority of his spare time here. He used to stay here 3 or 4 nights a week now it's more like 6 nights. I do ask him to eat here sometimes and he will but he has to pass his house to get to mine after work so he goes and changes an eats then comes over. We spend weekends together if I'm not working and if I am he will come round when I've finished

ChippingInAutumnLover Tue 04-Nov-14 11:45:26

Does he contribute in anyway?

Vitalstatistix Tue 04-Nov-14 11:46:01

Tell him how you feel and what you want and ask him if that is what he wants too.

Although, tbh, I'm not sure I'd really want a 40 something year old bloke who was so well looked after by mummy. I'd worry he'd be expecting a mummy substitute.

ruddygreattiger Tue 04-Nov-14 11:58:38

I dated a guy (before I met hubby) who was in his early 40's and still lived with his parents and had never moved out (along with his slightly younger brother).
We dated for just over 2 years and he would also eat, shower etc at his parents house before coming over. Most times he wouldnt even stay the night and preferred to go home to bed (he didnt even drive so his brother would be his on-call taxi!!).
After 2 years of expecting the relationship to progress I got totally fed up of this juvenile arrangement and knew he would never cut the apron-strings so I ditched him for a proper, grown-up relationship.

Twenty years later I know he is STILL at home with his parents. Some 'men' never grown up and prefer to coast along at hotel mum&dad.

Pumpkindumplin Tue 04-Nov-14 12:11:43

Yes he contributes in a way. He always pays when we go out or get takeaways. He always drives when we go anywhere. He has paid to take me on holiday for 2 weeks

Aside from his living arrangements he seems emotionally mature and we have an easy going relationship which I feel comfortable in. I did ask him once when I said that his mum really shouldn't be doing everything for him. Whether his GF did everything when they lived together. He said she did all the cooking and he did the cleaning. He pretty much kept her financially as she was a mature student

ImperialBlether Tue 04-Nov-14 13:16:53

I don't like the fact he's not doing anything to be more independent. That comment about just moving in with you would drive me nuts as would the fact he will only have a tiny pension and yet he's in a position to do something about that but isn't. It all sounds too passive for me.

Joysmum Tue 04-Nov-14 13:26:34

Discuss your thoughts and fears with him.

Nothing wrong in talking about the future and thoughts of moving in together. Nothing wrong either in expressing your worries that a change in lifestyle for him where he's had a mother doing everything to being in a conventional modern relationship where he's expected to do at least half would be a difficult transition and put strain on the relationship.

Pumpkindumplin Tue 04-Nov-14 22:52:53

That's the problem, firstly I am scared to discuss the issue with him in case he rejects the idea. Secondly I wouldn't really know what to say or how to say it.

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