Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm challenging my narcisstic mother tomorrow

(24 Posts)
MummySparkle Mon 03-Nov-14 22:15:28

And I'm scared about how it's going to go.

Any advice would be so very welcome x

ktd2u Mon 03-Nov-14 22:16:37

To what end?

lougle Mon 03-Nov-14 22:16:56

Why do you feel that you need to challenge her? What do you hope to achieve?

Ye110w Mon 03-Nov-14 22:18:52

I wouldn't focus on specific incidents, more on your right to walk away or detach.

If you bring up incidents with a narcissist, it turns in to a court case. They won't hear any criticism, they deflect and throw a list of your own 'failings' back at you.

Not my mother but my x was a narcissist, so eventually I cut him out completely. harder with a parent. If you don't want to see her as often or involve her as much, I'd just do that, ring her less, tell her less, but don't look to her for her approval to detach from her iykwim.

Egghead68 Mon 03-Nov-14 22:53:37

Don't do it

ThePerUnaBomber Mon 03-Nov-14 22:56:34

It's hard to do, with no discussion aforehand, but best just to go/stay NC. Narcs never change, never see anyone but themselves. I swear by the website daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com. Truly an amazing resource.

Drumdrum60 Mon 03-Nov-14 23:17:23

Not worth it. Only giving her attention and drama.

MistressoftheYoniverse Mon 03-Nov-14 23:35:41

If you need to do it...for you own sake and mental health...just don't expect her to respond is a way you would call conducive these people are a law unto themselves and never accept the blame for anything they do..as you know they are consummate manipulators eed and blame shifters but if you need to have words then do so..take care x

CaptainJaneSafeway Mon 03-Nov-14 23:44:43

Agree with others. I fantasise about ranting on to my mum and getting through to her exactly why her behaviour pisses me off so much, and that I can see exactly how she tries to control me. But I know it wouldn't work. Any time I've gone 1% towards pointing any of that out or expressing how I feel, she goes all out - crying, wailing like a baby, turning on me with accusations that "prove" why I'm a terrible person, on one occasion she even deliberately fell over to get sympathy. I saw it and there was no doubt it wasn't an accident.

It's frustrating and makes me feel guilty but at the moment I'm just withdrawing, seeing her less, keeping her emotional ploys at arms length as others have advised. She is acting all understanding and nice. Why? Because she knows how to reel me back in. It's very difficult.

Aussiebean Tue 04-Nov-14 00:19:03

Go to the stately homes thread. I agree with the others that it is not going to give you what you want, but at the start of the thread it lists a number of responses you can use to counter the most typical of narc arguments.

I would also take someone with you. Like your partner. Often times, narcs will 'behave' more and be less threatening with an audience.

But, like the others say I doubt this will end the way you want it to. Although, having said what you need to, it may make going nc easier as you have said what you need to leaving the ball in her court.

sinkestatecar Tue 04-Nov-14 01:01:05

Don't do it. It will achieve nothing and you'll be even more upset.

Walk away with your head held high.

Isetan Tue 04-Nov-14 06:45:42

If she is a narcissist then there will be no epiphany, no sense of regret but there will be, attack is the best form of defence type behaviour.

Accept her for who she is and adjust your exposure to her behavior according to your capability of withstanding her shit.

I said "Challanging narcissist mother's behaviour, huh! What is it good for, absolutely nothing, say it again


Not only will she not 'get it' but she'll probably blame you, if your prepared for that and know that your strong enough then

Isetan Tue 04-Nov-14 06:46:48

If she is a narcissist then there will be no epiphany, no sense of regret but there will be, attack is the best form of defence type behaviour.

Accept her for who she is and adjust your exposure to her behavior according to your capability of withstanding her shit.

I said "Challanging narcissist mother's behaviour, huh! What is it good for, absolutely nothing, say it again

Not only will she not 'get it' but she'll probably blame you, if your prepared for that and know that your strong enough then

DeckSwabber Tue 04-Nov-14 06:46:59

What are you confronting her about? Is it something that really needs to be dealt with?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Nov-14 07:03:01

Good luck! But do it for yourself and your self-respect. Do it in order to articulate whatever it is that's pissing you off and do it as a way to assert yourself. A bully or a narcissist or whatever type of personality your mother is, is unlikely to change behaviour or apologise. In fact, they'll probably react badly to being challenged even though a big part of why they are like they are is because no-one ever challenges them. So anticipate that, stand your ground and say what you need to say....

Always be assertive.

Joysmum Tue 04-Nov-14 07:53:48

Trouble is, you'll challenge her and it'll hurt even more because you'll hope that she'll accept it all and admit she was wrong and apologise and beg for another chance to improve herself.

It won't go like that and laying it all bare gives her the ammunition she needs in one hit to reject and dismiss you again and that could break you.

The only way forward I've found was to go no contact having realised and regretfully accepted she'll never change. I have no regrets going no contact. I'm not on the stately homes thread as by the time I'd found MN it was all done and dusted for me. Acceptance if who they are and knowing I deserve better mean I could go NC and feel 100% confident in that choice.

DrCarolineTodd Tue 04-Nov-14 07:59:45

Do challenge her. By changing yourself. But don't try to speak to her because you will not get the result you want. (I speak as the child of toxic parents.)

Have a read of outofthefog.net/

Lottapianos Tue 04-Nov-14 08:01:58

Good luck OP. Think very hard about what you want to get out of challenging her. If you want an apology or acknowledgement of her behaviour, do you think you might get it? How will you feel if you don't? Be careful and put yourself first.

My mother is a narc and I have tried challenging her a few times. It did not go well - attacking, blaming, turning everything back on me, complete inability to listen followed by months of the silent treatment.Never again. Im just working on detaching now - she will never be able to hear me. Not saying that your mother would be the same but be prepared to not get what you want from her. Good luck - its so painful

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 04-Nov-14 08:42:21

What are you hoping to achieve from all this?. What you want and what you may receive from doing this at all are two very different things.

I would urge you not to pursue this course of action because you will come off far worse. You may well cop the full force of her narcissistic rage.

MummySparkle Tue 04-Nov-14 11:35:25

Gosh, I wasn't expecting so many replies, thank you all very much. I fell asleep last night and I've been busy with the children this morning.

I've been trying to talk to my grandma, but mum has twisted such a web of lies that none of my family seem to believe anything I say. I need her to acknowledge that she hasn't been a great parent to be.

She wants to be part of my children's lives (21mo & 5mo) and when she is nice she has a lot to teach them and will be good for them. But I can not let her emotionally abuse them.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Nov-14 11:39:06

She won't acknowledge that she's not a great parent. If you're going in with that objective you will fail. If you challenge her you have to understand that it will be very much a one-way monologue. If you can walk away satisfied that you have said your piece and put a line in the sand, go for it. If you're hoping for some sort of conversion or apology, save your breath.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 04-Nov-14 11:39:49

"I need her to acknowledge that she hasn't been a great parent to be".

I do very much appreciate that you want her to acknowledge that but she will never do that, in her eyes she has done nothing wrong. She is not and never will be the nice kind mother you so want her to be and instead regards you as purely an extension of her.

I would certainly keep her well away from your children. Narcissists in particular make for being deplorably bad as grandparent figures. If you find her too difficult to deal with, it will be the same deal for your children who she will also go onto manipulate.

Vitalstatistix Tue 04-Nov-14 11:42:31

She won't acknowledge it.

And she will use your challenge against you with the rest of your family.

You will be the horrible vile daughter who broke her heart by saying such awful awful things to her.

If she is so horrible, why do you think she has a place in your kids lives? It must be a hell of a thing she can teach if it's worth trying to keep her in their lives and try to stop her emotionally abusing them.

I'd suggest you find someone to teach them whatever it is you think is so important who isn't going to emotionally abuse them in the process.

misscph1973 Tue 04-Nov-14 13:11:48

I am going through something similar, and I know what you mean. You feel guilty because you don't want her to have contact with your children, you feel that you are depriving them of a grandmother, right? But actually you are protecting them.

I had not contact with my mother for 5 years and when I was pregnant with my first I started contact again. It went fine, as it was very controlled, but in the last year I got a bit too comfortable and I wasn't on my guard, and there has just been an incident that brought everything back and really hurt me. Basically she attacked me where it hurt the most, she has been criticising the way we bring up our children very harshly and she has made my DH her scapegoat. But of course now the children have a relationship to her (oldest is 10) and we all have something to lose. She is trying to guilt me into contact now, "for everybody's sake", but I am in such emotional pain over what she did and said and I just can't do it.

I urge you to really think carefully about what you do and don't do, as years from now you could be in real trouble. You may think like me that your scars are healed, but it can all come back again if she hurts you again.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now