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Internet dating ice breakers.

(36 Posts)
nobbybombshell Mon 03-Nov-14 21:36:37

Hello from the newbie bloke.
So after I caught my wife red handed back in January I found myself seperated and very lonely. Self confidence totally knocked out of me and no self esteem. I turned to Internet dating back in August and don't really seem to be getting anywhere. I did meet someone on zoosk but it all went south rapidly but that's another story. So I'm back on POF and would really like some tips on what I should write to somebody. I try to steer clear of the usual "Hi" and try and make it amusing. I have never chatted anyone up in a club or bar etc as I've never been very confident so hence the Web dating. Any tips or advice would be appreciated.


Ps: Hope you don't mind me posting on here.

DollyRocker1 Mon 03-Nov-14 21:41:37

Hello. I like it when a man refers to something in my profile. So if she likes dancing, you could ask how often she goes for instance. Think a bit about the type of messages you'd like to receive.

Pinklaydee1302 Mon 03-Nov-14 22:09:15

Don't say 'hey there sugar tits' which is the message I received todayhmm

OD is so dire I'm finding more each day.

nobbybombshell Mon 03-Nov-14 22:13:17

Oh gawd! Seriously? How do blokes think that that sort of charm is going to work? It's almost embarrassing. Glad to say I'm an old school gent.

DollStar Mon 03-Nov-14 22:17:20

Try a better site. Mysinglefriend is good, or OKCupid. Not Tinder tho

Good luck

pippinleaf Mon 03-Nov-14 22:20:11

A nice compliment about their photo - eg great smile, your dog looks fun etc NOT you have sexy legs. A thoughtful response to their written statements eg I really love collecting broken egg shells too and I like your take on Russian ballet.
And something for them to respond to eg I'd really like it if you could check out my profile to see if I could be a fit for you and then maybe we could meet for coffee?

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 03-Nov-14 22:21:12

There are some genuine people on POF.

When I was OD, I tended to ignore the ones saying 'hi'

I also tended to ignore the long first messages, felt they were trying too hard.

Just give one compliment and ask if they'd like to chat. Good luck smile

nobbybombshell Mon 03-Nov-14 22:22:31

Tinder is very odd. You get a match and no one communicates. Strange.

Blowmeonelastkiss Mon 03-Nov-14 22:26:55

Yes I also ignored hi or fancy a chat?

A compliment is necessary, not over the top though.

I didn't like men asking to meet up straight away.

Just a funny line or two will get the banter started.

I would always respond to someone funny even if I wasn't attracted to their photo as the fun and banter and connection was more important to me than anything.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 03-Nov-14 22:38:08

And don't forget to respond to messages that ladies send you, either! I've given up on OD now, largely because I got so sick of sending just the kind of relevant 1 line 'opening gambit' mentioned above, and not getting the courtesy of a reply. I smile wryly now if I revisit the site and see the same guys' profiles still there, still hopeful - and doubtless still not replying to messages that aren't from size 8 blondes or whatever! Good luck...

nobbybombshell Mon 03-Nov-14 22:44:31

Blimey! Would be nice to receive a message. confused

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 03-Nov-14 22:47:06

Little tip, if your OD name is the same or similar as your MN name, you might not get any messages wink

Walkacrossthesand Mon 03-Nov-14 22:47:13

Are you sending messages that go unanswered, then?

Walkacrossthesand Mon 03-Nov-14 22:51:21

Make sure you have a photo up too, and not one which is a webcam screenshot of you sat at your pc. No photo = dodgy, probably married; screenshot photo = couldn't even be bothered to look for a decent photo/loner who doesn't do things with friends & family

nobbybombshell Mon 03-Nov-14 22:54:07

Yes that's correct. I know that I'm not going to get a response every time but if I could perhaps try and improve on what I write.

Cabrinha Mon 03-Nov-14 23:26:52

I didn't do OD for long, but my rule was - only people who had clearly read my (short!) profile got a reply.
I ignored the "hi" and "fancy a chat?" ones. Also "how's your day?"

Also the lame jokes. I actually had "if looking sexy were illegal, you'd be guilty as charged" <shudder>
Winks and favourites - ignored.

A one liner was fine, I don't expect people to invest a lot of time when they know they may get no response.
I personally think that "trying to be funny" just falls flat most of the time. Friendly and interested was fine.
I used to feel irritated by the "tell me one word that describes you" or "take my quiz" type stuff. It's not a test, just talk to me.

So - short, friendly, no cheesy jokes, no flirtation. To be honest, I didn't even like the "you're stunning" type comments - I mistrust them! I know we all message people based on our physical attraction, but comments like that are too blatant for me!
Refer to my profile, but add something, don't just say you like it too. And throw in a question, so it's easy for me to respond. e.g.

"Hey I liked your profile! I love camping too. Last Easter I went to Wales - rained every day but I still love it. What kind of spot do you like best?"

SelfLoathing Mon 03-Nov-14 23:37:45

I've done a fair amount of OLD and my advice is as follows:

- OLD is no different from real life - in that culturally women are basically conditioned to think that men should do the pursuing. So if you want to OLD you will need to send a lot of emails.

- Be prepared for a lot of non-responses - dead profiles/rude people etc.

- Keep the first email short, upbeat and non-desperate sounding. Do NOT mention anything about past relationships etc. (May sound obvious, but you'd be surprised!)

- Make it personal - as said above, find something in her profile that you are responding to and that you like. There is nothing more off putting than an obvious "cut and paste" "Hi My Names John. I've been single for 2 years and I like climbing trees . .." Equally, I get a lot of "hey you are really beautiful pretty" - to which I think, "yep, I bet you say that to all the girls"

- Treat OLD as an add-on to real life ways of meeting women. Do not place all your eggs in the OLD basket. You could be lucky but there are a lot of desperate weirdos there - both men and women - and on a free site like POF a fair proportion of married people looking for extra curricular action.

- OLD also encourages people to be fussy. And a lot of people develop their own rules about what they are interested in. Like posters handfulof and blowme above, I would ignore anyone who just said "hi" unless I really liked their profile. My attitude was "no effort = no response".

To give you an idea:
I also had a rule of not responding to any men who had photos with themselves and women (unless clearly identified as sister/mother/non-date) or women partially cropped out. Firstly because I wasn't interested in men who need to show other women find them attractive. Secondly, because I figured if you can't be bothered to find a picture with just you in, you aren't really that interested in OLD.

I also would not respond to men who had selfies taken in mirrors -especially bathroom mirrors. Lack of effort and also probably few friends! How long does it take to get your mate to take a few pictures of you.

Mostly though, like real life, provided you aren't bombing out in a first email what you say is really irrelevant. If she's interested in you, she's interested. It's more a case of not f.uckin.g it up by seeming too spammy (only hi/hello/ or cut and paste); too desperate ( honestly had guys emailing me saying "I really like you but guess you won't respond either. what's wrong with me?") or too sexual.

For a formulae:
[something flattering about photo -specific/non-generic]
[something that interested you in their profile]
[simply question about a mutual interest -what's your favorite book?]

Under NO circumstances ask anything about the website - how long have you been on here/ how are you finding it.

nobbybombshell Mon 03-Nov-14 23:42:57

Thanks this has been very helpful so far.

SelfLoathing Mon 03-Nov-14 23:43:58

I would add that actually if you are feeling a bit down and lacking in self-esteem, you may want to wait a bit before thrusting yourself into the world of OLD. Try doing real life stuff where you may meet women.

OLD is brutal because it encourages a sweet shop mentality of scrolling on to the next profile.

It's not the best thing if you really want to meet someone but aren't feeling emotionally tough.

AYellowCreation Mon 03-Nov-14 23:46:14

Make sure you have decent photos - no drunken mates, dead fish or bad teeth.

Cabrinha Mon 03-Nov-14 23:48:40

I want to date you SelfLoathing we have compatibly OD rules smile

Totally agree that your email just has to not fuck things up!

Grow a thick skin though. Profiles give so little to go on, and we do often choose on photos. And that isn't attractive vs unattractive - just personal taste.

For me, the email was what drove me to look at a profile, and the profile made me reply or not.

So work on your profile too. Good luck!

Ps I don't mind mirror selfies, but please - shirt on!!!!

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 03-Nov-14 23:50:52

Selfloathing has it!

I agree, no fish photos, or photos of you cuddling kittens or drinking beer.

Username is so important, I avoided ones that were 'footballmad' or 'lostandlonely'.

Confidence is key, women find confidence attractive - but not arrogance.

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 03-Nov-14 23:54:17

Ps I don't mind mirror selfies, but please - shirt on!!!!

Unless you look like Beckham smile

Don't put anything negative in your profile. There are so many that put stuff like, 'been hurt before', 'not looking for a nutter', 'is there anyone out there for me' etc.

Stay positive - think about what you like to read in a profile and use that in yours. Don't make it too long either.

Cabrinha Tue 04-Nov-14 00:03:51

Another tip - hot off the press! If you've mailed once, leave it!
I've just had a polite-but-breaks-rules (no comment on my profile ) follow up when he saw me online with "say hello then?"
It's pushy, and a bit intimidating.
He might actually have been a profile I came back to... But now he's off the list.
If we're interested, we'll reply!

SelfLoathing Tue 04-Nov-14 00:10:58

I want to date you SelfLoathing we have compatibly OD rules


If you've mailed once, leave it!
I've just had a polite-but-breaks-rules (no comment on my profile ) follow up when he saw me online with "say hello then?"

I also agree with this. It's indicative of overly controlling personality.
I honestly have had people email me after 10 minute going "well if you could manage to reply"... WTF.

Re: Photos - for the main one have a nice head shot, fairly close up so people can see your face. A second one from an interesting holiday is no bad thing. Eg. an action skiing shot or similar. Avoid those tigers in Thailand though, every other person seems to have them!! (ignore that last bit - just a personal bug-bear!)

Don't put anything in your profile about your relationship status. Anything like "I'm newly single and thought I'd give this a go" = rebound and to be avoided.

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