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My mum is making me feel like I am the biggest disappointment ever. (Long sorry)

(36 Posts)
Iwantmymum Mon 03-Nov-14 21:14:08

I may need a hysterectomy, but we are not sure yet. My consultant wants me to consider it while we wait for test results and explore other options.

A hysterectomy would cure all my problems and end years of suffering. It would truly change my life for the better, so I am seriously considering it as a last resort.

My mum had one for the same reasons and thinks its the best thing she has ever done. I really want to discuss all my options with her, I want her advice and her experience. After my last consultation I was so happy, I had found a doctor who listened, understood and came up with a plan.

I phoned my mum to tell her I had options depending on test results and she said she would be devasted if I had a hysterectomy. That was over a month ago and I have stopped bringing it up as she changes the subject. Normally she would ask about the tests, make sure I'm ok but nothing. Its like it never happened.

She told me to get a referral to a different consultant after last time and told me I shouldn't allow myself to fobbed off, that I should make sure something was done. That I shouldn't have to suffer like this. She was supportive and angry that I have been left to just get on with it.

My mum wants grandchildren, I get that I really do, but that wont happen even without a hysterectomy (for health reasons). She knows how risky a pregnancy would be for me and that I would be unlikely to be able to care for a baby for weeks if not months after the birth.

I feel like my non existant dc are more important than my health and happiness. I feel like I have disappointed her and that I am a failure. I'm having an ultrasound scan tomorrow and she doesn't know because I can't tell her and she hasn't asked. If it was anything else she would have asked and then she would call tomorrow to see how it went.

I feel like part of my foundations are gone. Dh is good but I want to discuss this with my mum sad

What do I do?

SugarMiceInTheRain Mon 03-Nov-14 21:18:52

So sad and unfair that your mum is making you feel bad for a health problem that is beyond your control. It's not as if you're getting a hysterectomy for trivial reasons. I think your mum is letting YOU down by reacting in such an unreasonable way to the fact that her daughter may need major surgery. She should be ashamed of herself for not being more supportive. Best of luck with your scan tomorrow and I hope you are able to resolve your health problems and that your hysterectomy (should you need one) goes smoothly and you have a speedy recovery.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Nov-14 21:23:47

Sorry you're in this situation. Is your mother actually saying you're a failure or is she - motivated by wanting grandchildren - urging you to explore all the avenues before you give up on motherhood? If her intention is simply to bring you low then tell her she's seriously out of line. If she's disappointed on your behalf and has made a hash of expressing it, then tell her that this really is the only option left open to you and you're not asking her permission but would appreciate her support.

Matildathecat Mon 03-Nov-14 21:24:51

How awful. So sorry for this situation. It sounds as if you are generally close and have a good relationship? If so could you send her a message saying basically what you've posted here? She sounds as if she needs support in dealing with her feelings but she needs to get that support elsewhere then step up to the mark for you pdq.

God luck with whatever you decide to do.mi hope your health improves.xx

WitchWay Mon 03-Nov-14 21:25:39

A consultant would not consider a hysterectomy in a young woman of childbearing age without good reason.

I'm guessing you have something like endometriosis or chronic pelvic inflammatory disease, in which case your fertility is likely to be low anyway.

She is being unreasonable & selfish. It's all about her sad

Quitelikely Mon 03-Nov-14 21:25:45

Do you think she is thinking 'well I had a dc, why can't you'

Obviously yous have the same thing but she has you. Could that be her line of thought...........

Iwantmymum Mon 03-Nov-14 21:34:49

Thank you.

We are very close before this we spoke nearly every day.

I do feel let down by her and I hate not telling her things. I kind of feel like I would have to have a hysterectomy in secret if I needed one. Which is quite frankly ridiculous!

Mum hasn't said I'm a faliure, I just feel that way. If she was trying to motivate me to explore other options then she would discuss them with me. The conversation when a bit like this:
Me: I know you would be upset if we didn't have kids
Mum: No, I would be devastated
That was it. She hasn't brought it up since and the one time I did she changed the subject.

I do have a sibling so its not just down to me to produce grandchildren.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Nov-14 21:42:42

You've got to tell her all of this. It's often tough to know what to say to someone facing big health problems and it's ridiculously easy to mess up and hurt feelings. Avoiding her won't address that. You have to be straight, tell her that all this stuff about her being devastated isn't helping, that you don't like the hand you've been dealt but this is the reality. You need her, as my NZ friend would say, inside youre tent pissing out and not outside your tent pissing in....

BathshebaDarkstone Mon 03-Nov-14 21:48:27

My DS1 has cystic fibrosis so he can't have kids naturally, although he could with a lot of palaver. I have 3 other DCs, therefore it's not like he's my only hope of having grandchildren. I fail to see your mum's problem. hmm

mineofuselessinformation Mon 03-Nov-14 21:54:43

Wow.
You're between a rock and a hard place.
I'm sorry your mum wasn't supportive when you need her to be.
Make your decision for you, not what your mum wants - but when you feel able, tell her how she has made you feel.

Iwantmymum Mon 03-Nov-14 22:01:39

Quitelikely although my mum had the hysterectomy for the same reasons as I might need one, she doesn't have the health condition that means pregnancy/childbirth would be risky.

You need her, as my NZ friend would say, inside youre tent pissing out and not outside your tent pissing in.... grin

I know I need to tell her how I feel but its hard and she does this amazing look that makes you squirm.

Bathsheba thank you.

Darkesteyes Mon 03-Nov-14 22:11:15

Im sorry you are going through this OP You need to do what is right for you. Your mum is being emotionally abusive IMO

Twitterqueen Mon 03-Nov-14 22:11:54

I'm so sorry for you. What a terrible situation.

I'm torn between 2 responses. One, that having a child is the most special thing in the world and that maybe, for your mother, this was the highlight of her life and is evidence of how much she loves you and how much she has valued being a mother. She wants the best for you and is devastated that her feelings are not going to be perpetuated by you.

Secondly, the other response is that your mother's achievement having a child is a validity of her life and yours. And the fact that you are 'failing' (sorry - you know I don't mean this) to strive for the same achievement, means that you are failing her. Her life is less because you are not doing what she was so desperate to do.

Remember it's your life - your choice. You are strong. I think perhaps your mother isn't.

Iwantmymum Mon 03-Nov-14 22:25:24

You are strong. I think perhaps your mother isn't

I don't know, she has been though a lot and survived. He main problem is with dealing with emotions. Feeling are never ever discussed.

She is ignoring the situation because she doesn't know how to deal with it. This has always worked for her before so she thinks it will just go away. Which it kind of has, because I'm not telling her about it anymore.

Sadly, knowing the why doesn't help me deal with it.

Iwantmymum Mon 03-Nov-14 22:27:34

Whatever decision dh and I make will be ours not hers.

I love my mother dearly, but my life is mine not hers.

SpicyBear Mon 03-Nov-14 22:37:03

She is behaving appallingly. She is allowed of course to feel some disappointment at not being a Grandmother to your kids but she needs to process those feelings privately and should not have burdened you with it. In my view that would be the case if it was for no other reason than because you didn't want children. Given the circumstances, it is appalling to say those things to you or pressure yo to risk your health and prolong suffering.

I cam very much sympathise as I will have a similar decision to make at some point. You need to find your support elsewhere on this unfortunately as it would be very damaging to invite her further selfish comment. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with her awful behaviour on top of your health issues.

MrsDeVere Mon 03-Nov-14 22:49:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iwantmymum Mon 03-Nov-14 22:52:17

You need to find your support elsewhere on this unfortunately as it would be very damaging to invite her further selfish comment

I've spoken to bil about it and he has been very good. Sadly most of my friends are childless not through choice or have recently had a mc, so I don't feel able to talk to them about it athough I reconsider.

I am concerned about my mums reaction if I do have a hysterectomy. I would have to tell her as I don't think its something I could or should hide.

Iwantmymum Mon 03-Nov-14 23:00:17

MrsDeVere mum was in her 40s so it was about 20 years ago. She really needed it and there were no other options at that time. She felt relief when she had her hysterectomy, it was the best thing ever and she got her life back.

My mum is supportive in lots of ways but she has issues when it comes to my health. She has said some inappropriate things (due to ignorance) which has caused arguements but she has always learned from it and has never done the same thing twice.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Mon 03-Nov-14 23:46:34

I am so very sorry that your mum cannot support you in the way you need. thanks. Good luck with improving your health, by whatever means.

mineallmine Tue 04-Nov-14 00:02:49

Playing Devil's advocate here...Maybe your mum feels that you don't know what you'll miss by not having a child? Maybe she just wants you to be sure you've exhausted all other options before taking this step.

My mother is also crap at emotions and was really rubbish while I was going through (unsuccessful) IVF. Then one day, after another failed IVF, she said her usual 'You just can't be sad, it's not the end of the world, so and so's daughter has just been diagnosed with XYZ and that would be much worse..etc etc...' I just very quietly told her not to respond to my sadness like that, and that I'd every right to be upset, that it was clear she felt I had no right to be upset and that I needed time to heal my wounds and when I was able to talk to her again, I'd be in touch. (I'd had LOTS of counselling leading up to this!!!) My mother arrived to my house later that afternoon with flowers - and we're NOT a flowers family- and was so so sorry. She thought she was helping by not getting all emotional about the IVF failures. She thought she was helping me to be strong. It changed our relationship for good.

My point is, maybe, just maybe, this isn't about your mother wanting you to bear grandchildren for her, but about her sadness for you and what she feels you'll miss out on if you don't have children.

Blowmeonelastkiss Tue 04-Nov-14 07:59:56

It sounds like your mum is sad that you will never have children and is not expressing it very well. It is a drastic thing for you to go through if you are childless.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 04-Nov-14 09:19:21

I hope you can talk to her. I suspect she knows in her heart of hearts that it is the solution you need, but wishes there were an alternative. Using a word like devastated suggests to me she feels the price you have to pay is a heavy one. She may even worry she somehow passed the condition you suffer with onto you.

I may be completely wrong but I read the conversation as "devastated for you that you'll miss out on motherhood". But it must add to your troubles thinking you are at odds just at a time when you need her.

Iwantmymum Tue 04-Nov-14 10:52:20

I may be completely wrong but I read the conversation as "devastated for you that you'll miss out on motherhood"

Mum may have meant it like that but it came across like she would be devastated if she didn't have grandchildren. There was nothing about me there. She has know for years how dangerous it would be for me to get pregnant (worst case is I could die), and I know that if I have a hysterectomy it will become very real to her. Currently she can pretend that dh and I are still going to have kids.

I was doing something the other day that I remember my mum teaching me and I thought I would never get to teach my own child that. I cried but having a hysterectomy wouldn't change that.

Maybe she just wants you to be sure you've exhausted all other options before taking this step

If that was the case, she would talk about it. She would make sure I understood every option and there pros and cons. Knowing her she would buy me a relevant book. Until all the tests are done we wont know if that is my only option. The consultant gave me other things to look into aswell but mum wont talk about it at all.

Miggsie Tue 04-Nov-14 10:58:39

I think you mum is behaving badly instead of saying how terrible this is for you, she has concentrated on how she feels and that you are being made to feel bad because she does.
This is not the sign of an emotionally healthy person.

Reproduction is not the be all and end all and you can adopt if needed - I think your mum is very self centred and not really a good person to have around at this time.

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