Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

am i being used?

(47 Posts)
chickenlicken123 Mon 03-Nov-14 20:00:45

Im in my early 40's, divorced (2 years) and have been seeing a guy for over 2 years now. The problem is, he never has any money for us to do anything. he stays at my house a few nights a week and eats everything i have in my fridge, showers at mine and drives my car everywhere. I thought this was ok at first but now its driving me mad, he has a good job but says he doesn't earn much money and that his outgoings are more than mine ( i have 3 kids) His mum does everything for him such as washing and ironing, cleaning his house, even feeding his son. He hasn't got any money whilst with me but as soon as his son appears and wants something he gives it to him. I have a part time job which pays rubbish and the benefits i get go towards the running of the house.....i've tried dropping hints to him about how my water bill has gone up and so on but he just ignores it! i've stopped going out with my friends coz he doesnt lilke it. He wants to know what im doing and where i am constantly. He says he loves me more than anything and even tho i consider myself to be bright and outgoing something in me has changed and i am beginning to lose all faith in him as a guy expecting me to do everything for him. he seemed to manage just fine when he was married and his wife didnt work so what has changed? i know your going to tell me im a pushover but i am a bit lost with what to do other then end it.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic Mon 03-Nov-14 20:03:00

In reply to the title, Yes, you are.

Earlybird Mon 03-Nov-14 20:06:23

What on earth are you getting from this relationship? You've already got 3 dc to care for on your own - you don't need another (adult) person to be responsible for.

He's got his Mum to do everything for him in some areas of his life, and you're there to do the rest.

You need to get rid, so you'll be able to enjoy your life - and possibly find someone who will treat you much better.

emsyj Mon 03-Nov-14 20:06:56

Why are you wondering what to do 'other than end it'? Ending it is the perfect solution! You will lose nothing and save time, money, energy and a whole host of inconvenience by doing so. So go ahead!

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe Mon 03-Nov-14 20:07:13

He sounds like a clock lodger at best , and an abusive arsehole at worst.

There are massive red flags there for financial abuse and controlling behaviour that often leads to emotional or even physical abuse eventually.

I would get out now if I were you. You are also vulnerable to losing your benefits if he spends a lot of time at your house and somebody reports you.

AnyFawker Mon 03-Nov-14 20:07:51

You had to ask ? confused

CleanLinesSharpEdges Mon 03-Nov-14 20:08:49

Yes you're being used, yes you're a pushover and yes you have come to the right conclusion - end it.

Ahardyfool Mon 03-Nov-14 20:08:50

What guilty said

IAmACircle Mon 03-Nov-14 20:10:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheLostPelvicFloorOfPoosh Mon 03-Nov-14 20:12:04

Unfortunately I think ending it would be the only option here. If you've asked him to change and he has ignored you, it really is never going to get any better.

Don't waste any more of your life on him.

cheerupandhaveaglassofwine Mon 03-Nov-14 20:16:32

End it and move on

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut Mon 03-Nov-14 20:17:44

controlling cocklodger

leave the dweeb

I never say that but he's being a total arsehole.

Do you know his ex wife? What does she have to say about him.....?

DippyDooDahDay Mon 03-Nov-14 20:18:17

Op, you already know the answer to your own question don't you? X

chickenlicken123 Mon 03-Nov-14 20:34:02

yeah i know the answer. its just a difficult one to ask as he's always seemed so loving and caring towards me. Now i realise its the control hes gaining! im not going to say anything else about him coz i look like a complete tit. i have all the clarification i need now so i can sort myself out! I have booked a holiday for me and the kids tho so at least thats something to look forward to. thanks for the honest responses

chickenlicken123 Mon 03-Nov-14 20:37:10

oh yes and i dont know his x wife but i do know she left him for someone else and had a couple of affairs behind his back which is probably why hes so bloody insecure

SolidGoldBrass Mon 03-Nov-14 20:37:52

Good luck. It's worth being prepared for trouble, I'm afraid - a man like this, who thinks that women exist for his benefit and should be grateful for his attention, may refuse to leave you alone. As he doesn't live with you and you have no DC with him, you can involve the police if he pesters you with phone calls or turns up uninvited and won't go away. DOn't be scared to do it if it's necessary.

MiniTheMinx Mon 03-Nov-14 20:39:35

If his only problem was insecurity he would be doing everything he could to make you happy. As it is he is a selfish waste of space. Why keep a dog and bark!

Quitelikely Mon 03-Nov-14 20:44:52

One thing I cannot stand is greed. This man seems greedy to me.

Most decent people don't mind sharing with their lived ones.

Quitelikely Mon 03-Nov-14 20:45:06


thebrideishighbutimholdingon Mon 03-Nov-14 20:45:28

Adding my voice to the chorus of LTB. He is massively taking advantage and it's only going to get worse, not better, if you stay with him.

If you're not ready to break up with him yet then stop "dropping hints" and give him rules and an ultimatum. He must contribute - financially and in other ways too. Ask how much money he gets paid and what he does with it. You've been together over 2 years, it's reasonable you should know. If he won't tell you - the relationship clearly isn't going anywhere, is it?

Get in touch with your old friends and start seeing them again. NEVER give up your friends for a man. It's his way of isolating you and getting you emotionally dependent on him.

But I think, now you've started to see him for what he is, you'll realise that there's no future in it so you might as well get rid now as later.

chickenlicken123 Mon 03-Nov-14 20:46:42

The trouble is ive gone from a total narcissist husband who earned good money but who slept around constantly to someone who barely scrapes by but is faithful and expects me to pay for eveything. x

MiniTheMinx Mon 03-Nov-14 20:49:27

Maybe, but there are good men out there who pay their way and they are faithful, they exist, and you deserve one.

thebrideishighbutimholdingon Mon 03-Nov-14 20:50:59

Oh and you do NOT look like a complete tit. You look like someone honest and genuine and trusting and nice. It happens to the best of us. They spin this web of love and romance and kindness and saying all the things you want to hear, (and the sob story about the XW having affairs and leaving poor ickle innocent him - which may be true but you haven't heard her side of it) and you fall for it. There's no shame in that. But now you have seen the light - hallelujah!

AnyFawker Mon 03-Nov-14 20:51:39

There is a middle ground

Pasithea Mon 03-Nov-14 20:51:42

You either kick him into touch. Or kick him out.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: