I think I need to go NC with my mother. She wasn't physically abusive (beyond the ususal 1970s upbringing!), she didn't bring home a string of men (been married to my father for more than 40 years), she doesn't turn up drunk at my house and throw rocks at the window or do anything that would get her an immediate red card. But she is awful.
She is never, has never and will never be satisifed. With anything. You give her a choice of 3 desserts, she wants a third.
She makes these asides, these little comments without thinking. For example on my wedding day she told me that it was a shame my wedding dress didn't emphasise my boobs more "because they are your only asset". The day I received the results of my first degree I called her to say I'd got a 2:1, she said "You could have got a first if you'd ever done any work". When I began showing at 14 weeks with DS1 she said "You're just fat".
When she does think about it and she screws up her face really hard she can say pleasant things like "I'm surprised that you're such a good mother" or "I love you sooo much" but it's so insencere and often followed by a barbed comment.
I have pulled her up on this in the past. She goes global. Long ago my Dad used to be the voice of reason but he has become increasingly cowed and is no longer the man I grew up with.
I have remained in contact with her so that I could have a relationship with my Dad, my sister and my niece (who all fucking live with her). My niece is 16, I think she's old enough to see me by herself now.
It sounds petty, all of it. The crux is that I think she is deeply unpleasant. You can never know which foot to dance on with her. I don't trust her. I cannot be relaxed or comfortable in my own skin around her. She lies - denies things she has said, rewrites history - and I can't stand the hypocrisy. She is manipulative and selfish. She has contributed greatly to the fact that I skipped breakfast and lunch today because I had a small slice of cake mid morning.
I want to go NC. At the moment I am ignoring her calls. Do I just continue to do that?
Do I talk to her about it? Write? Explain my feelings? If I felt that I could explain my position I probably wouldn't want her out of my life.
Do I have a big row with her? Move house with no forwardimg address - house is on market ATM so possible?
How do I deal with the fact that this will ruin relationships with loads of other people?
I worry slighly that I am unhinged and that she's actually a cross between Mary Berry and Mother Theresa.
I'm at a loss. I would appreciate any advice.
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How do you go NC with someone? This is so long you might need a fag and a gin and a sleeping bag!
SpidersDontWashTheirHands · 03/11/2014 18:06
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