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Same old issue, how do people cope with mis-matched libidos?

(21 Posts)
chillintheair Mon 03-Nov-14 14:42:40

As in the title really....I want it three or for times a week and my partner only wants it three or four times a month. I try my hardest to not put any pressue on or make a big deal out of it but after a week or more it starts to bother me again! Eventually I'll make a move a couple of nights in a row only to be rejected and we both get pissed off!

Everything else in the relationship is fine and there is no possibility of splitting (hopefully it's just a phase!). So, how do people cope?

MrsBloodCurdlingscrEames Mon 03-Nov-14 14:44:25

I masterbate most days. We still have sex 3-4 times a week but I want it more often.

gamerchick Mon 03-Nov-14 14:46:33

Well here if the other person can't be arsed for a chunk of time then the other is happy to sort them out manually.

Just like having a cuddle which most people enjoy I would like to think.

Maybe a chat is needed perhaps? Nobody likes to feel pressured and have a habit of becoming an issue.

Or a rabbit is handy sometimes.

chillintheair Mon 03-Nov-14 15:04:53

Intimacy otherwise is still there, lotls of cuddling and kissing (which when the kids are around we both know will not lead anywhere so pressure off type thing). I really am hoping it's a phase - young kids, new jobs, busy lives etc and it'll pass. Just need to stop myself getting pissed off about it every so often as it's really not fair to expect sex from anyone. I know I went through a similar phase a few years ago (exercise was the key to my 'recovery').

Masterbation just doesn't stop me wanting them though!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Nov-14 15:22:31

Mismatches are common and can become divisive, but you do have an advantage if you can manage to maintain the affection and intimacy. Try not to keep score but see if you can trade 'quantity' for 'quality'.

chillintheair Mon 03-Nov-14 15:36:30

I'm not keeping score, just not satisfied due to the infrequency and upset by the rejection. I guess what you mean is don't count the days between and the times/month etc?

I just feel like I need a way of coping when we're lying in bed together but I know nothing is going to happen.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Nov-14 16:25:57

Yes, I mean don't keep a tally of how many times a week or how many times a month.

What exactly is it you need to cope with when sex doesn't happen? How does that situation make you feel? Is it purely that the sexual energy has no outlet? Do you feel personally rejected or unloved if sex isn't happening?

chillintheair Mon 03-Nov-14 16:31:59

It's a mixture of both, but mostly the rejection. I need to learn how to hold out from even trying really (or learn to take that rejection graciously just like a gambler learning how to enjoy losing!) Like I say in my opening post, I'll live with it for a while, then when I try it on I'll get rejected.

Yarp Mon 03-Nov-14 16:32:33

It is not a rejection of you. It is a rejection of sex

chillintheair Mon 03-Nov-14 16:34:09

Yarp, I know that I really do. Doesn't stop it being upsetting though.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 03-Nov-14 16:35:08

What has your partner said about the subject? Is your partner otherwise happy with you and the relationship - are you happy with the general levels of kindness/respect/shared goals/having fun together?
Someone who feels angry or disappointed or resentful is going to be less enthusiastic about having sex with a partner they feel has done something wrong, or is continuing to do something wrong.
But you say that the mismatch is between A wants it three times a week and B wants it three times a month. This is only a slight mismatch - it's not as if you and your partner are only likely to have sex once a year.

Unfortunately, the more pressure that is placed on the partner with a lower libido, the further that person's libido is lowered - sex becomes a tiresome chore that has to be undertaken to shut the other partner up. Be careful you're not whining, sighing, nagging or blaming. And talk to your partner. If you are both decent people who love each other, you should be able to reach a comfortable compromise.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 03-Nov-14 16:36:39

Also, you refer to 'trying it on'. Could it be that your approach needs a bit of work? Are you grabbing at your partner, or dropping heavy, sneery hints that it's about time s/he put out again?

Yarp Mon 03-Nov-14 16:37:18

Good advice SGB

chillintheair Mon 03-Nov-14 16:41:07

Solid - yes I know it's not half as sorry as some of the tales I've read on here!

general levels of kindness/respect/shared goals/having fun together....yes, I think we're content with each other. I don't winge/nag etc until it's been a few weeks and then yes I guess I drop a few hints. Of course if I'm then still told 'no, no chance tonight' a few more times I get upset and we have it out.

chillintheair Mon 03-Nov-14 16:43:09

I meant trying it on quite gently actually....and if I didn't try and initiate then nothing would happen ever.

StubbornCow Mon 03-Nov-14 16:49:41

I definitely don't have all the answers but my strategy is
1. don't shy away from talking about it though try not to make it accusatory or oppositional (so lots of saying "I feel" rather than "you never/always" type stuff)
2. Sharing what you would like to happen without being prescriptive
3. articulating why the sex is important - I have been guilty of compartmentalizing it as a physical urge only in which case masturbation would sort it out but if that's not the case, reminding your partner that for you it helps you feel close and it's a way of showing you care and sharing intimacy, not just getting your rocks off
4. doing your best to show you care in other ways - asking how their day was, offering cups of tea, noticing if they are tired/looking particularly lovely/struggling with keeping temper with the kids and offer some help. For me, the cliche of being approached from behind and propositioned while doing the washing up but really finding it much sexier if he told me to go and sit down and he'd doing the washing up is true!
5. noticing and remembering the other ways that they show they care - so, their libido isn't sky high but do they always make you toast in the morning/give you a lie in/get you great birthday presents.... see, they do care really!

I also think that you have to remember that one discussion is not going to solve it, you'll both make an effort but this issue might raise its head again, the relationship needs maintenance, not just a fix and it's sorted forever so try not to feel frustrated and "I thought we fixed this" if and when the issue comes up again. Hopefully your toolkit will be better each time it arises and it will be easier to fix, though!
Good luck!

chillintheair Mon 03-Nov-14 16:56:28

StubbornCow, great advice, thanks!

Stubborncow Mon 03-Nov-14 18:12:37

Aw shucks - home some of it works (for my sake as well as yours!!)

urbandaddy Mon 03-Nov-14 19:02:43

From your post I read that he trusts you, you are still intimate in other ways so he shouldn't be afraid or feel uncomfortable with your touch.

I say what I would try to do in your situation. I'm not very articulate with words sometimes so please forgive if it starts to become too detailed.
I just find it appropriate to support my view with my experience and we're talking about sex now.

Do you know his erogenous zones? If not I'd find them (by talking or from his reactions when you have sex). I sometimes go to bed in a lazy, tired mood but once my bf starts kissing my nipples - I almost always become all up for it.

How open is he sexually? I mean do you talk on the same level of openness / same perceptions of what is disgusting in sex and what is actually not. Maybe he needs to become more sexually aware of himself and open. I orgasmed no more than three times in my twenties and never really used to masturbate because it did nothing for me. I masturbated to orgasm after a split up when I was 29. After that I finally managed to learn to masturbate so that I reach it and I obviously do it more often because I find it pleasurable.

If you think you are more open sexually maybe you can help him in that direction.

You mentioned you improved libido by exercising. Maybe he should try it too.

Can he be stressed all the time? When I'm stressed I just can't relax in bed and don't want sex at all. Maybe he needs to find ways to reduce stress and you can help him in that.

chillintheair Fri 28-Nov-14 14:34:02

Well almost a month on and it's cropped up again. How do people put up with the rejection?

We've talked it all through and she does see it from my point of view. For my part, I've not nagged or mentioned it. But again, after a week and a half or so I try it on a couple of nights in a row and get rejected.

I feel so guilty about getting worked up about it but I can't just switch my sex drive off as much as I try.

gatewalker Fri 28-Nov-14 14:38:53

Have no-sex sex: breathe together, move together, talk openly together about sex -- and not just about the fact that you're not having as much sex as you like and how to deal with that: talk about sex generally. What turns you both on? What turns you off? What you want more of, and less of. What you haven't told each other yet about what defines you as a sexual being.

And if you can't talk about those things, then there's your problem right there.

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