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(19 Posts)
cantgetout Mon 03-Nov-14 13:07:37

I am in a situation i cant seem to get out of, i keep going round in circles and its really getting to me lately, my current partner is no good for me ive been with him 6 years but hes been abusive the last 2/3 years we fall out and make up quite alot in the last 2 years i always take him back i dont know why, anyway now ive got involved with another man who is such a gentleman ive known him for a while but we started having a sexual relationship 7 months ago this other man says he loves me and wants us to be together properly, he is aware of my partner being abusive and has helped me in times of need.
Now im in a situation where im unhappy with my partner as all feelings have faded since he started being abusive and even though i have tryed i cant seem to feel much for him i dont even find him attractive anymore.
The other man has always been such a gentleman to me and treats me with respect , makes me feel good about myself and wanted.
In a perfect world id leave my partner to be with this other man but its more difficult done than said.

Ye110w Mon 03-Nov-14 13:11:17

Leave now. Change your sim. Analyse it all later. U dont owe it to your partner to stay with him. Being single fir a while would give u more strength in the long run i think.

GoatsDoRoam Mon 03-Nov-14 13:53:16

You are not trapped.

You get to choose how you spend your life. You are the only person who gets to choose how you spend your life.

What will you choose?

Jan45 Mon 03-Nov-14 14:07:55

How are you trapped, I assume you have your own free will, get out of your crap relationship and don't start another one until you are.

tipsytrifle Mon 03-Nov-14 14:20:23

It seems to me the age of a damsels in distress suffering endless cruelty was a poor model for behaviour. Especially when that model presents the dark knight and the white, each claiming ownership of said damsel. It was patriarchal fiction in any case, though "society" has often approved anything that tricks folk into thinking they are hapless prisoners.

Many women still don't have a wide expanse of choice, but I don't think they ever believed that being torn between a good man and a bad one was preferable to just getting out and away, being independent and free to live their own lives.

tipsytrifle Mon 03-Nov-14 14:21:17

<takes scissors to errant "a">

dadwood Mon 03-Nov-14 14:22:34


Do you stay with the abusive partner because you are not sure how to be single?
I think a lot of people go straight from one partner to another because of this. It limits your options and makes you feel dependent.

Twinklestein Mon 03-Nov-14 14:27:21

You have no feelings for him and don't find him attractive, why are you staying, are you afraid of what he'll do?

cantgetout Mon 03-Nov-14 14:31:44

i am abit afraid he always seems to win me back when we fall out we have only ever split up for a month longest it is a situation where i i dont want to be with him but i feel i need to be with him, probably because we have been together quite a while, the other man ive been seeing has said i can move in with him but i dont want to hurt my current partner even though hes hurt me in the past.

Twinklestein Mon 03-Nov-14 14:37:32

'He always seems to win me back' implies you're a passive participant, actually it's a choice you're making, so empower yourself by owning that.

He can't win you back if you don't want to go. If you're happier with this other guy why go back to a man simply because you've been together a while?

You're going to hurt one man either way, and it might as well not be the one you actually like. Why worry about hurting the feelings of someone who's abusive? It's not as if he cares for yours.

neverenoughwine Mon 03-Nov-14 16:05:03

Last year I finally walked away from a 14 year relationship , in which the final 5 years my then partner had been controlling, aggressive, abusive and violent!

I walked out with a 4 and 9 year old, a suitcase and £4.32 in my pocket. No bank account, no job and no friends close by .

I went into women's refuge and now 17 months on, myself and the children are much happier and I am in a new relationship with a fantastic guy who I love dearly and has supported us so much!

Empower yourself and live the life you deserve! You don't owe anyone anything other than yourself.

Good Luck xx

neverenoughwine Mon 03-Nov-14 16:06:26

That was meant to say you don't owe anyone anything!! You only owe yourself xx

cantgetout Mon 03-Nov-14 18:18:10

i would love to just say to my partner its over for good but he wont accept this thats why we always get back together, keep going round in circles the whole situation just makes me feel rubbish

GoatsDoRoam Mon 03-Nov-14 18:32:16

He doesn't need to accept it. If you don't accept to be in the relationship, then there is no relationship, whether he likes it or not.

You are going round and round because you are giving in to his preference. Stop doing that and you will break the cycle.

Yes, given yours and his temperaments it is going to take you a lot of firmness and resolve to split and stay split, but I'm here to tell you that it is possible, and that you can do it.

Here are the steps:

Inform him that it is over.
Make sure that you both have separate places to stay and that "stuff" is left on a convenient doorstep for pick-up.
Then refuse to respond to any phone, text, email, or social media contact.
Inform 101 if he frightens, threatens, or harasses you.

You can do it if you want to.
Do you want to?

smillassenseofsnow Mon 03-Nov-14 18:37:15

As GoatsDoRoam says, it's not a discussion. If you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, it's over. He can't be in a relationship with you unless you want to be in one with him. And he shouldn't want to be unless you do.

You do not come second here.

AnyFawker Mon 03-Nov-14 18:37:19

OP, unless you are Elisabeth Fritzl or Myra Hindley (for example) you are not "trapped"

You can leave.

ShesAnEasyWuffer Mon 03-Nov-14 19:24:59

It doesn't matter whether he accepts it or not. It's your decision to end the relationship - that is your right. It doesn't matter why ANYONE chooses to end a relationship, once that decision has been made that's it. Don't let him control you.

Quitelikely Mon 03-Nov-14 19:44:21

You are in control of your own future. You decide. He need not know where you have gone.

If you are serious about leaving then you seem to have a great opportunity. Take it.

tipsytrifle Mon 03-Nov-14 19:48:37

What does he do that makes you return? How does he do it?

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