I can't leave my ex alone

[Needsmoretea]

I'll try to be brief! I split up from boyfriend 4 years ago after living together for 3 years (I had left husband for him) we also had a relationship 22 years ago when I was 16 for 3 years. We have been in touch occasionally and met a few times over the last few years. It's never been a problem for me to carry on after these times, I just get back to my life without him. It's always been more him initiating than me, and I guess I have enjoyed the attention and knowledge that he still has feelings for me. However! Two weeks ago we went out for a drink after a number of texts and ended up in bed. He said all sorts of things about loving me and I said all sorts of things about how we should be together. Oh dear. Since then he's not bothered at all and I've been almost obsessing over him. I've texted and texted, being nice and casual then apologetic, then angry and downright crazy! He's ignoring most, just responding occasionally flatly saying he's done, he now has closure. I know I have to stop the texting. I Can't believe that 2 weeks ago he wasn't particularly in my thoughts, yet now I am thinking about him literally every second of the day. Its affecting my mood so much I'm snappy at work and with my boys, and tearful when I'm alone. I feel like a huge relationship has ended and it was only one night. I hardly recognise myself it's like I'm going mad. I'm handling it so badly if anyone has any advice I'd be very grateful.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He now has closure?

That's one of those mealy-mouthed phrases like 'unfinished business', isn't it. Expect you feel not only rejected but insulted with no real way to get back at him either. I'm not surprised you're furious.

I had someone treat me like this and it turned out that I had (not deliberately) been his 'emotional affair' and he'd been married for a while. Do you suspect anything like that?

[sonjadog]

By contacting him you are making it impossible for yourself to move on. What you have to do is stop all contact. No more texting, emails, whatever. For a while it will be very difficult and you will think about him lots, but then gradually you will stop thinking about him so much and you will regain your perspective. But every time you try to contct him you are sending yourself back to square one, so you absolutely must not contact him at all.

[SelfLoathing]

That sounds like an incredibly painful situation.

I guess that some part of you maybe thought "this is it, we are going to get back together, he does really care" whereas he was thinking "one-off bonus night. sex with my ex"

I know how unpleasant obsession can be. The only thing I can advise is going 100% no contact.

Maybe one way to avoid texting etc is to think "how would this look if he made a harassment complaint against me". You only need two occasions to complain about harassment. 10s/100s of unanswered texts looks really bad.

I can't see that seeing him again or meeting up with him to "discuss it" would be helpful for you. He's made his position clear. And actually, given how long you have been split up for, he may have thought you were taking it as casually as he was.

The other intellectual device that maybe helpful is to imagine how you would have reacted if positions were reversed. Say he'd started texting you every day saying he'd made a terrible mistake, wanted you back etc etc. I strongly suspect that you wouldn't have been interested. This is just rejection spinning you out of control.

[Needsmoretea]

Thank you for that - I don't think he's in a relationship but I do think I've been used. I've known it's not quite been over so have felt ok about being single all this time because there was always something in the background. He's taken that away which has left me in free fall so maybe it's not about him at all, just me realising I'm on my own and panicking.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So you're saying you saw him as your sure thing fall-back for if nothing better came along?

[Needsmoretea]

Yes that's really helpful, I would have probably backed off if he started to text me all the time!

[Needsmoretea]

CogitoErgoSometimes - yes I think we both did that. I don't feel good about what an idiot I'm being ??

[CantBeBotheredThinking]

take a good hard look at how he is currently treating you and then think whether this is someone you really want in your life. It might help you see that you've had a lucky escape.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not idiotic exactly. You've held a torch for this guy on and off since you were 16. You've clearly had hopes or made assumptions, even if they were unspoken. Anyone can make a mistake... it would only be idiotic to compound it now that you know the score.

[Needsmoretea]

Yes, though I'm afraid that's exactly what I've been doing. He's not really done anything wrong has he. Oh dear. I will really try to not contact him at all (though if I'm honest I will hope a little bit that that will make him contact me!) I can't believe how immature I'm suddenly being - I'm mortified when I think of all the texts I've sent (I even wrote him a card and put it through his door - arghh!)

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's funny, isn't it? Meet someone significant at 16 and I think the relationship is always conducted a little bit 'teenagery' in tone. Lots of fun with occasionally obsessive spikes like putting cards through doors etc Meet someone at 40 and it's quite different.

You probably need a bit of a break to adjust but suspect you'll find your feet and be able to shrug 'his loss' soon.

[Needsmoretea]

Very true! We have always behaved like teenagers together - I guess why I feel like it's not me to be like this - I have grown up in the rest of my life and relationships. Thank you for responses everyone - really glad I joined. I've not texted since