Ex thinks I should do DDs tea earlier because clocks went back

[Ihaveastripeymonkey]

My ex has form for turning up late for his weekday access with our DD. He has her one weekday evening and every other weekend.

It was agreed that he come and pick DD up at 4.30pm on his weekday access. This has been getting more and more erratic. Sometimes he turns up as late as 6.30pm to pick her up. He is supposed to give her her tea but increasingly he has been texting me on the day itself saying that he can't do it and leaves it to me.

When he dropped DD off at mine following this weekends access he asked me if I could feed her earlier on his weekday slot because he found that her body clock is out of whack and that she won't eat anything or becomes difficult after a certain time.

I told him although she has been getting up earlier, her feeding times are the same and I haven't noticed a massive difference.

To me this smacks of him trying to worm his way out of feeding her again.

He is also so sullen, rude and eye rolling when he talks to me.

He later sent me a text saying that if I am not going to feed her this week then at least can I not feed her any "sweets and crisps" before he picks her up. I found this a bit bitchy. Actually my DD rarely gets sweets or crisps.

I've written about him before in this thread Is my ex being a passive aggressive shit?

[Ihaveastripeymonkey]

Sorry, I missed a bit out. He said that her body clock is out of whack because the clocks went back an hour last week.

[davejudgement]

Why is he so concerned with your time keeping when he can't manage his own.

It has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with the clocks going back, and everything to do with him being a self centred arse which is presumably why you are no longer together ( I don't know your backstory )

If he can't turn up on time to collect his child he shouldn't be having her. And tell him this, if he's not there on time don't bother - and remind him thats in her interests not his.

What a twat

[FamiliesShareGerms]

He might have a point - it can take a while to get DC's body clocks back into routine. If it wasn't for all the backstory I'd be inclined to take this at face value, but it does sound a bit as if he is shirking.

His comment about sweets and crisps - does this mean that he has trouble getting DD to eat a full meal? And / or that she tells him you let her have treats (so he should too)?

[GoatsDoRoam]

what dave said.

[NickiFury]

He sounds like an utter twat. Even in my most PFB moments I never got worked up about this.

My ex was like this. He lost interest once he realised how fun life is without worrying about your children.

[Ihaveastripeymonkey]

You've all confirmed what I was thinking. I find his double standards so mouth dropping tbh. He has no problem with turning up and feeding her up to an hour after her usual time because he couldn't make it to mine on time. So why would he be so concerned about the clocks going back and that messing with her routine. He messes around with her routine all the time! Grrr....

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Clocks go back;-

Feed kids 45 mins early on Sunday.
Half an hour early on Mon.
15 mins early on Tues.
Back to normal in Weds.

It doesn't need to be dragged on for longer than that. Our mealtimes can move by 15 minutes on a day anyway depending on if the doorbell rings / the carrots accidentally go off the boil / ds oes an exploding poo at a critical time.

[hollie84]

I always just switch to the new timings immediately without any problems - seems silly to me to stick to the old times.

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

I can't think why he's your ex?

Fuck muppet.

How much does DD get out of these mid week visits? If she wouldn't be overly bothered, I'd stop them.

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

That aside, you really, really just have to learn to ignore him. He's a twat, we've established that, so don't let his prattling about bother you. Easier said than done, I know, but just practise flicking your finger at his texts and carry on with your day!

[SolidGoldBrass]

This man is just trying to jerk you around. I would suggest trying to find someone else who can help with chiildcare and minimize your dependence on him, because he will take any opportunity he can to inconvenience you.

[Trollsworth]

This is the pettiest thing I have every seen an ex whining about.

You feed her every time, and that removes the source of arguments. He picks her up at half past five. If he isn't there by quarter to six, tough shit, too late, get her ready for bed and don't answer the door unless he has already text you with a damned good reason.

She's a child, not a toy.

[Ihaveastripeymonkey]

IMO if I feed her and then he picks her up at 5.30pm there is no point in her picking her up at all. She is 3 and goes to bed at 7pm (sometimes earlier if she asks to). I would like to have a "night off" once a week where I don't have to worry about cooking her dinner. It feels like I just spoon feed her to him and he can get away with not sharing any of the workload.

[Ihaveastripeymonkey]

• him picking her up

[cheerupandhaveaglassofwine]

Fully understand you wanting a night off and someone to share the workload but he sounds like a twat

If he is always running late then i personally would say 15 mins late you can still have her, 30 mins would depend upon how much i needed the break any later than that sod off and be on time next time

[Trollsworth]

I do totally understand.

But he's not going to give you that night off, and the stress of trying to make him do it is more than just accepting that he won't and doing it yourself.

X

[Trollsworth]

As for stress of cooking - give her a sandwich and a banana. That is a perfectly reasonable meal.

[Ihaveastripeymonkey]

I told him that seeing as he is struggling with the 4.30pm pick up, that perhaps we should cut out this access altogether as it is not beneficial to our DD and just stick to alternate weekends. He is now saying that 4.30pm is fine.

He also told me that he has started seeing someone since the summer, someone who lives in a town quite a distance from where we live so he has been commuting a lot to see her and that is why he hasn't been having our DD as much. He said he has a right to move on with his life too.

I told him of course he has a right to move on with his life, but my beef with him is to do with his lateness and lack of communication about which weekends he is not being able to do. That I find it disrespectful that he will give me really short notice that he can't have DD for a weekend or that he will be extremely late for his weekday access. I don't think that just because he has started seeing someone else that his responsibilities to our DD should go out the window. And also that he is rude to me often in front of our DD.

He said that that I should treat him with more respect because unlike some of my other single mum friends (who I met through a group), at least he has stuck around. I told him he doesn't need an award or special treatment just because he is undertaking his responsibility.

I have also now, for the second day running had to ask him to pay in his maintenance. This is another bone of contention. The money goes up and down each month (presumably depending on what he has going on over the month re social engagements etc).

[cestlavielife]

you need to cut back on telling him or discussing things.. I told him this, he told me that. cut it out....stop getting into discussion hard to do but easy when you start doing it. and liberating.

keep it brief, short and to the point. ignore any thing from him except in relation to times. don't argue back or try to explain your point of view. if she hungry and needs a snack you will give her a fruit or milk or a rice cake etc; - you don't need to explain or tell him that. it s obvious .... .

"DD is available Wednesday from 3.30pm. if you not here on time, then unless v good reason your visit will have to be cancelled ". and don't tell dd until you know for sure he is coming. allow him half hour no more.

go to CSA for child maintenance. get it direct debited.

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

Yes, he has a right to move on, but not at the cost of messing his DD around. THAT is what he needs to be told & understand.

See how it goes for a few weeks, if you have a car (or can walk somewhere nice) give him until 4.45 to pick her up then go out. Do not answer your phone to him.

Tell him EOW is not optional. He has to organise his social life around that. If he doesn't want EOW then fine, you will stop organised contact and he can ask if DD is free to see him and if you are busy then tough. I know it means you wont 'get a break' but it also means you wont get fucked about.

He's such a goon. 'At least I stuck around'. He'd be wearing his testicles around his ears if he said that to me. Wanker.