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DH giving money to PILs after agreeing not to

(110 Posts)
slatersrow Mon 03-Nov-14 08:52:48

NC. My PIL have frittered away every penning; sold their house, crap businesses, first class travel etc and now insist on living free in my BIL's holiday house and demanding an allowance from other BIL.

They have lots of china, jewellery etc that could be sold but won't. They have been made bankrupt several times.

My DH and his brothers are scared of their DF who is a bully, so easier to give him money and sweep all difficult conversations under the carpet.

My DH and I agreed a long time ago that we'd be supportive but detached and that he would not give them money.

I discovered last week that he's been paying them an allowance. I'm upset and hurt he has gone behind my back and have no idea how to approach this calmly or what resolution I should hope for?

Only1scoop Mon 03-Nov-14 08:55:09

Very difficult does the money come from a joint account can you question what it's for and try and discuss it with him? Seems like he may have hidden it as he knows you have strong views about this.

oranges Mon 03-Nov-14 08:56:50

can you afford the allowance? If you can, let him give it if needed.

Thumbscrewswitch Mon 03-Nov-14 08:59:18

To me, this would be less about the money and more about the deception and lies. And in reality, he's giving family money away, so is depriving you and your DC of money that could be used for your own family purposes.

I'd also be very angry that he's lied about it for so long.

I don't know where I'd go from here - it's such a big thing, the lying, the deceit, it would hurt me dreadfully.

Longdistance Mon 03-Nov-14 08:59:33

Your dh doesn't need to subsidise these two leeches. It's not like they can disinherit him. They have nothing. Why can't they work?

Have you told him you know?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Nov-14 08:59:42

Going behind your back is the real crime and I think you tell him that he can't be trusted. I'd also suggest that you take a very tough line. If he's motivated by fear then he has to be more frightened of what you're going to do to him for lying than what his bully of a DF will do if he refuses. Then he has a choice.

slatersrow Mon 03-Nov-14 09:01:20

I am not yet sure where it's come from. He knows I have very strong opinions on it and I'm sure that's why he hid it. I want to have a reasoned discussion but I know he will fly off and become shout and defensive and shut down.

Oranges, can I ask why? Surely it's just enabling the irresponsible and expensive behaviour. We have DC and I think it's unfair we should be propping up an extravagant lifestyle.

Thank you for your thoughts.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-Nov-14 09:01:39

How long has your DH been paying his parents an allowance?.

Have you not already spoken to DH about this upon discovery?. He must have known you were going to find out at some point.

It sounds also like your DH and his brothers very much in FOG (fear,obligation, guilt) state with regards to his parents.

What sort of relationship do you have with these people anyway?. These boundaries you both had need now to be further raised because they are still far too low. I presume your DH gave into his father's bullying tactics again (your FIL uses those on people like your DH because they work) and paid him money you can perhaps ill afford. It will likely not be paid back.

Your DH needs to realise that by giving them money, he is further enabling and rewarding their own bad behaviours along with hurting his own family unit. This cannot happen again. Your DH's first loyalty should be to his own family now, not his parents. Its not helping your DH at all because enabling simply gives him a false sense of control.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Nov-14 09:03:27

If he favours his DF and would rather shout you down than take responsibility for his actions or apologise for lying.... then you have quite a serious & rather bigger problem with your relationship. You sound frightened of him and he's starting to sound like a bully.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-Nov-14 09:03:32

"I want to have a reasoned discussion but I know he will fly off and become shout and defensive and shut down".

The reason as to why he'll do that is because he knows that you are right and he himself cannot face the truth about his parents due to fear, obligation and guilt of them.

I would read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as a starting point for yourself as this whole situation is about power and control.

Only1scoop Mon 03-Nov-14 09:04:41

So they still enjoy their extravagant lifestyle?? Hhhhmmmmm

What is the money funding? Do you think this 'allowance' is a one off payment or an ongoing arrangement?

You have to ask him I think....

slatersrow Mon 03-Nov-14 09:05:29

Leeches is exactly what they are. I am struggling because I really dislike them and their behaviour and I have to try and be fair, hence offering to be supportive (visits, calling with news of GC etc.) but always saying we must not give them money.

He's so afraid of his DF it's ridiculous.

I feel that his loyalties still lie with being a son first, even though our DC are teenagers.

Cogito, that's so true, and sad. How do you think I should approach it without also sounding like a bully?

scarletforya Mon 03-Nov-14 09:07:06

I would go nuts.

Joysmum Mon 03-Nov-14 09:09:06

we've been in in this position with a family member, if it was an agreed family expense it came from the family pot, if not there was the option to subsidise from out of own personal money, that's what I did, and there was no problem with that.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-Nov-14 09:10:08

"I am struggling because I really dislike them and their behaviour and I have to try and be fair, hence offering to be supportive (visits, calling with news of GC etc.) but always saying we must not give them money".

Being nice to inherently dysfunctional people does not work.

I think you also need to raise your boundaries re having to be at all fair to these people. Do you think these people also are at all interested in receiving such news, many self absorbed people only think of themselves. All you're doing currently is opening yourself up (and by turn your children) to being further abused by them. His parents have likely never given a fig really for you or these children.

scarletforya Mon 03-Nov-14 09:10:14

I have to try and be fair

It sounds to me like you've been too fair. Stop worrying about sounding like a bully and stand up for your family. He's being a coward paying family money to his bully father.

He needs to grow a backbone. Don't soft soap him.

slatersrow Mon 03-Nov-14 09:11:07

They mentioned it in something he showed me by accident then deleted. I have not yet said anything because I want to have a measured discussion and not the usual rant then silence.

I'm not afraid if him at all, he's lovely but in regard to his parents he becomes panicked and reasonable and reverts to learned behaviour of shouting and silence.

Have downloaded the book, thanks so much for the recommendation.

What's it funding? Anything from booze to laptops to car repairs. They don't have a bean and all the brothers are too afraid to rock the boat. It would be funny if it wasn't so upsetting seeing these grown men tiptoe around and say how lovely you bought that...

carlsonrichards Mon 03-Nov-14 09:12:12

The resolution you should hope for is no more money to these people. He lied to you. I would take a very hard line on this.

oranges Mon 03-Nov-14 09:14:10

Well. First, I do not think for an instance he should be paying an allowance if he is depriving you and your children of things you need, or of a comfortable existence.

But giving a small amount to parents, whatever they do with the money, can sometimes be beneficial to the giver- makes them feel in control of life, and able to help.

My mother gave my grandma some money that she constantly frittered away. But my mother felt that being in a position to give released her from other guilt, obligation and emotional manipulation. Its complex but I may understand why your dh is doing it, and as I said, if its not a huge amount, it may not be worth ramping up the emotional drama about it.

Joysmum Mon 03-Nov-14 09:14:34

Does he not have his own personal disposable income he can take it from? I'd never expect my DH to give up his money if he didn't agree but neither of us has any day on how we spend our own money.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Nov-14 09:16:12

Always approach bullies assertively and confidently. Screw up your courage, accept no fault, stay focused, be prepared for everything they are going to fling at you and stand your ground. You know you are right and you have every right to be angry, so don't be intimidated or manipulated off course and ignore any whining accusations of bullying that will come your way. It is not bullying to reprimand someone for bad behaviour.

The caveat is that if you fear actual aggression - and that means everything including verbal abuse, pushing, damaging personal items, wall thumping, close-quarters yelling, any kind of physicality etc - then put your safety first and have the police number handy.

He may be afraid of his DF but it does not give him the right to make you afraid.

slatersrow Mon 03-Nov-14 09:17:05

Atilla for my DH I pass on the news, but you are absolutely right, they have attended one school event in fourteen years. They're a joke with my kids, but my DH is actually such a nice guy that they overlook it and luckily my parents are more than involved.

I hardly bother these days, but my DH is so desperate for approval he is in constant contact to give them 'the news' and I think my not being so involved age them a great chance to squeeze money out of him.

So how do you think I should approach it calmly?

He is incredibly defensive about them. Are there books he could read to show him about FOG? I just think he doesn't believe they are anything other than a bit irritating at times.

Personally, I'd let them starve, they have been such consistent sponges.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-Nov-14 09:20:09

"But giving a small amount to parents, whatever they do with the money, can sometimes be beneficial to the giver- makes them feel in control of life, and able to help".

Enabling as OPs DH has done has not helped at all, it is putting a sticking plaster on a gaping wound. All this has given OPs DH as well is a false sense of control. His parents too are financially irresponsible and have been made bankrupt themselves more than once.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 03-Nov-14 09:21:14

'So...what about that conversation we had where we agreed not to give your parents any money?'

carlsonrichards Mon 03-Nov-14 09:21:42

I don't know how you put up with this for so long.

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