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Dh turned down sex.

(31 Posts)
PiperIsOrangePumpkins Mon 03-Nov-14 01:13:56

I feel so rejected.

I have anxiety and depression so this was a big step for me.

I had a long soak in the bath. Shaved my legs and pits. Also did my pubic hair. I got dressed in my sexy underwear and straighten my hair and put on a little makeup.

I know the last few months my sex drive has been no go and I really put the effort in.

I'm now got major anxiety of what I did wrong.

Stubborncow Mon 03-Nov-14 01:19:18

Oh, so sorry to hear this. Have you told him how upset you are? Maybe he just has a case of the Sunday nights and needs some sleep and didn't see all the effort you went to?

My OH and I are crap, at times, about communicating emotional needs around sex so I feel your pain...

PiperIsOrangePumpkins Mon 03-Nov-14 01:30:34

Will talk once he is awake.

30somethingm Mon 03-Nov-14 01:41:07

Sorry you feel crap. Have you turned him down before?

He is probably just tired/stressed and will be in the mood next time. Talk to him about it though.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Mon 03-Nov-14 01:43:02

Don't blame yourself. This is a form of power-wielding and cruelty. I've seen it with my parents and I've experienced it myself. By all means talk. But don't take all the responsibility on yourself.

mynewpassion Mon 03-Nov-14 02:08:39

Its not a form of control until we know more. She might've been rejecting him because of her mental health and zero sex drive for a few months. We don't know.

However, they do need to talk.

Squtternutbaush Mon 03-Nov-14 02:15:21

So is it power weilding and cruel if I say no to DH because I'm nackered/stressed or not feeling right? Don't be so bloody ridiculous!

Sometimes, shockingly, men aren't in the mood for sex. Just like women aren't either.

OP don't beat yourself up about it we've all been there whether it's being refused or refusing.

MummyBeerest Mon 03-Nov-14 02:24:13

It sounds like a case of bad timing...maybe he just wasn't expecting it?

It sucks though. Been there.

AlpacaMyBags Mon 03-Nov-14 02:26:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadLad Mon 03-Nov-14 03:28:49

He could:

Be tired
Have just knocked one out
Have a splitting headache
Be feeling sad
Just not be in mood for sex

Unless there's a drip feed of Niagara proportions, it isn't necessarily anything to worry about.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Nov-14 07:33:08

Sorry you feel rejected. Without knowing the context, it's difficult to say what's going on but, if you're both out of the habit, you might need more than unspoken cues and a session with the razor to be clear what's on your mind.

PiperIsOrangePumpkins Mon 03-Nov-14 13:52:22

I don't know why. Perhaps he just wasn't in the mood.

Pinkwillow Mon 03-Nov-14 16:05:13

Piper,he was probably not in the mood,and a little taken by surprise too. Keep at the grooming,to make yourself feel good smile

cheerupandhaveaglassofwine Mon 03-Nov-14 16:11:32

You didn't do anything wrong, don't beat yourself up about it

Just a case of bad timing

Thurlow Mon 03-Nov-14 16:18:40

Just talk to him and explain how you feel. I agree with others, there's a high chance he was just caught by surprise when he wasn't in the mood for sex. Without sounding like I am having a go, because I am really not, if sex has been off the cards for a while then he probably didn't expect you to dress up and make a move on him, so was a bit too surprised to respond well.

I am sorry it made you feel rejected, though. You did nothing wrong, though nor did he.

PiperIsOrangePumpkins Mon 03-Nov-14 17:15:39

I have talked to him.

He has been very stressed at work and tired last night. He said he feels guilty about last night as he knew how big of a step it was.

I said don't feel guilty, if he wasn't in the mood it's ok to say no.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Tue 04-Nov-14 20:01:32

That seems fair enough. I hope you both find yourselves up for it in the very near future.

grin

saintsandpoets Tue 04-Nov-14 20:03:49

* This is a form of power-wielding and cruelty.*

Or that is a load of bollocks and the poor bloke just didn't fancy a shag.

It is completely fine for anyone to turn down sex at any time, obviously.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Tue 04-Nov-14 20:05:01

* This is a form of power-wielding and cruelty.
Oh yes it is.

PiperIsOrangePumpkins Tue 04-Nov-14 20:16:15

Perhaps next time I will spike his tea with a Viagra lol.

StarlingMurmuration Tue 04-Nov-14 20:18:03

Seriously,you think anyone turning down sex ever is being cruel and power-wielding?

BarbarianMum Tue 04-Nov-14 20:23:55

Turning down sex can be a form of power-wielding and cruelty but only in seriously fucked up relationships. It can also be the result of:

-incipient illness
-tiredness
-sadness
-insecurity
-stress
-just not being in the moodness

So why would you leap on the most unlikely situation?

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Tue 04-Nov-14 20:24:01

Perhaps next time I will spike his tea with a Viagra
that's one way to go grin

TooMuchCantBreathe Tue 04-Nov-14 20:24:33

Women saying no is an absolute no matter when or where but a man saying no once is power play and cruel biscuit

Op, glad you talked to him, it sounds like he understands which is great. Are you getting all the help you can for your anxiety? It's a horrible thing to suffer from, I know I questioned the minutiae of every interaction and non interaction endlessly. It drove me potty but I couldn't break the cycle. I did eventually though, it doesn't have to last forever.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Tue 04-Nov-14 20:29:44

Turning down sex can be a form of power-wielding and cruelty but only in seriously fucked up relationships

I feel so rejected..I have anxiety and depression so this was a big step for me..I had a long soak in the bath. Shaved my legs and pits. Also did my pubic hair. I got dressed in my sexy underwear and straighten my hair and put on a little makeup. I know the last few months my sex drive has been no go and I really put the effort in. I'm now got major anxiety of what I did wrong

If you think he didn't know all that, and was just 'not in the mood', by all means support his right to say no. But 'turning down sex' as a power technique is a phenomenon often reported on MN. The OP needs to understand that now she is making a real effort to kick-start their sex-life, the OH has a perfect venue for demonstrating his resentment.

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