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Ex has a new girlfriend

(17 Posts)
ProfessorPickles Sun 02-Nov-14 23:36:06

DS's dad told me today that he has a new girlfriend and it's made me feel shitty which has come as a surprise as I never thought I'd care sad
We split when I found out he cheated on me while I was pregnant and to be honest he was a shit boyfriend at times and not a brilliant father.

We stayed reasonably good friends after the split and we really do get on and I kind of saw him as a best friend for a while. We also had a bit of a friends with benefits arrangement for a while after we split and it worked well, then it fizzled out and things had been a bit awkward between us for a few months as he changed.

However he asked if I would get back with him less than a week ago then today he tells me he has a girlfriend!

I made the stupid mistake of searching for her on facebook and she's better looking than I am and I feel like a fat old model that he's traded in.

I get upset because although I love my life and wouldn't change it at all, he has no responsibility, he lives at home and is virtually child free, he is a dad but not a parent in any way.
He cheated on me so I was made a single parent to a 3 week old baby through no choice of my own and although I'm very happy it still makes me burn with anger that he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and now he has a new girlfriend and I'm raising our 1 year old son for him while he does what he wants and doesn't contribute.

I think a big problem is that I'm having problems with body image. I feel disgusting and hate to see the way my body looks especially after pregnancy sad

I feel silly for being jealous and feeling hurt because I wouldn't have him if I could.
I suppose my issues are to do with my body more than anything and this has just made it worse sad
I shouldn't feel jealous because he treat me awfully at times but then on the other hand I worry he'll treat her amazingly and bother to get a better job and learn to drive even though he promised me that for over a year.
I suppose I'm scared DS will become even less of a interest to him and he'll turn into an amazing boyfriend for her like he never did for me.

The sensible part of me says why on earth would I ever want him back, she's more than welcome to him.
Then the stupid side imagines them happy together and his family welcoming her in, when it's me who was cheated on and neglected.

I'm sorry if this all sounds pathetic but I'm feeling awful at the moment sad

ProfessorPickles Sun 02-Nov-14 23:43:22

Another thing is is that his family never make an effort for me and DS even though they are nice.
There was a point where they didn't see DS once for 5 months and we only live 30 minutes away.

I suppose what I'm feeling upset about is just rejection. That he cheated on me and didn't make any attempt to get me back until now and that he makes little effort with DS.
And that his family don't make a big effort with us either despite the fact I used to take DS to see them.

I feel pathetic if I'm honest sad

Drumdrum60 Mon 03-Nov-14 00:05:50

I completely understand how you feel. You are feeling the loss of what might have been if he wasn't such a selfish tosser.
You are so much better off without him and she will find out that he probably won't change.

You sound like a fantastic mother. Keep up the happiness!!

Drumdrum60 Mon 03-Nov-14 00:13:29

By the way bodies take ages to get back to normal. Mine about two years but eventually it did. Don't bother about it honestly. Be healthy and active with your little one and you'll soon be back in shape.

Don't let him treat you with disrespect. And no he won't be fantastic with GF.

Imagine what you want your life to be and plan each day to achieve it. Small steps.

Could be the best thing he's ever done!

ProfessorPickles Mon 03-Nov-14 00:17:44

Thanks for your messages drum drum, you're definitely right when you say I'm better without him, I know that. I'm a much happier person and a better mum for DS on my own, no wondering who he's messaging or no emotional abuse anymore.

I've become a much more confident and strong person since I sent him packing!

I hope my body does continue to improve, I had a slight sagging on my stomach that seems to have improved slightly so there is hope! smile

It probably sounds silly but my ex told me she said DS looked nice on the pictures he showed her and that really got to me. It really hurt which is completely unreasonable because DS isn't likely to meet her for a LONG time confused

Notmeagain1 Mon 03-Nov-14 01:31:10

You are a strong woman and there is a wonderful future out there for you and your ds. My exh left me when I was 11 wks pregnant for a woman that he had been screwing around on me for months and months.

He has been NC with his son for 7 yrs. DS is 16 now and would not know the man if he walked up to him in a shop. He lives 20 miles away and has made no effort to see him and we are so much better off without him. I have a wonderful dh of 6yrs that my son calls dad.

I hope one day the bastard wants to make contact and I am around to see the show. My son will most definitely make me proud.

It's very hard, but if I can do it, you can too and you ds will always be there for the mum that's always been there for him. You can do this as hard and daunting as it may seem. x flowers

ProfessorPickles Mon 03-Nov-14 10:42:45

Hiya notmeagain, so sorry to heayou were left at 11 weeks pregnant I imagine that was very hard for you.

I too hope he tries to get in touch and your son tells him where to go! Absolute bastard.It's one thing to cheat but to abandon your child is horrendous.

I'm feeling a tiny bit better today about things but I'm still feeling down.
It is completely ridiculous that I care because I was thinking about what he said and I've worked out that when he kissed me last week and asked if I'd get back with him I think they were together then. What an excellent start to a relationship hmm
Definitely thinking my problem is about my body issues and rejection and not about wanting him back bloody hell!!

GoatsDoRoam Mon 03-Nov-14 10:51:17

He kissed you last week and asked if you would get back with him?

You need to stop being so close to this man. For your own happiness and mental wellbeing.

ProfessorPickles Mon 03-Nov-14 10:56:20

He did, I do make a point of keeping my distance usually and he does the same but lately he's been making comments saying how good I look. It must have been something to do with his new relationship that he's started doing this although I don't understand why! Surely you're supposed to be happy especially at the start of a relationship hmm

GoatsDoRoam Mon 03-Nov-14 11:01:51

Who cares what he's meant to be feeling. You will drive yourself mad trying to work another person out, especially one who has treated you so badly and enjoys fucking with your head.

Stop thinking about him and what's motivating him.
Spend that time thinking about you and what makes you happy and fulfilled.

He deserves none of your time or headspace.

elliebellys Mon 03-Nov-14 11:05:12

He,s doing it because he wants you as a back up,just incase new gf doesnt work of both worlds nd all that.

ProfessorPickles Mon 03-Nov-14 11:06:07

You're spot on there goats, I wasted a lot of time during my pregnancy and after DS was born wondering what on earth goes on in his mind.
He in particularly is baffling, nothing he does ever make sense!

Sometimes I wish I could never see or hear of him again, I'm going to keep myself busy for a week or so and hopefully that will help take my mind of off this.

I keep feeling like I don't care then 10 minutes later it hurts again! confused

gamerchick Mon 03-Nov-14 11:11:52

He's keeping you dangling. . You're a warm bed and comfort. It's cruel to you and you're not able to move on while he's doing it.

It's time to emotionally disconnect. Only speak of things to do with kids and nothing else. Pick ups and drop offs polite and swift.

Don't waste energy trying to figure out why he does the things he does.. The simple answer is that he can and will for as long as you allow him to.

Mampere Mon 03-Nov-14 11:14:11

you're not a fat old model he's traded in

You ended it with him because he was a shit boyfriend and a bad father!

My x's gfs are all younger and perkier but I feel superior somehow. Not in a gloaty way. Just wiser to the ways of the world and what attributes to look or in a man now. Also, I feel sorry for the woman who might spend the rest of her life with my x. I have a better future. I did have to work on my self-esteem after leaving my x though. It was in tatters for a few years.

Mampere Mon 03-Nov-14 11:17:00

ps, I do remember how I felt when he got his first gf about 7 years back now. I felt something like jealousy and I couldn't figure it at first until I realised I was jealous of him not her! I wanted freedom to date, money to date, new chances, fresh starts............... all of that. So what you feel doesn't mean that you want him back. It's just an inevitable comparison of your life with his life following the split. That too passes.
I no longer compare what I have with what my x has because he is just too peripheral now. Hope that makes sense.

davejudgement Mon 03-Nov-14 11:56:41

Sounds like the new GF in his life is going to need all the luck she can get.

You saw the light and got rid, be proud of yourself.

Sickoffrozen Mon 03-Nov-14 16:30:19

I think the only mistake you have made was being available to him after you split. It's always a mistake to do that. I can understand why people do but it's never a good decision and rarely ends well. On these situations it is almost always the woman who is hurt and left feeling insecure. He is messing with your head because you are allowing him too. It's time to shut him out of your thoughts and get on with your life.

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