Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Wish I could undo things I said!

(37 Posts)
excitedbutscared Sun 02-Nov-14 22:34:20

This is going to sound quite trivial to most of you but I've got myself into a right panic!

You may have seen a previous post I put on here about feeling anxious and scared about my relationship with my man who I have been with for about 9 months.. I resolved to deciding not to let on how insecure I was feeling because I think that once the balance is unset, you will always feel like the 'weaker one' in the relationship and you're automatically going to seem as the 'needy one'

Well, I completely messed up at the weekend! We were having such a great time together.. He had been constantly telling me how deeply in love he is with me and we even started planning a trip to the Madives in January.. Anyway, we had a heavy weekend with parties and drinking and not a lot of sleep and on Saturday night, we went to see a band and I realised that he was missing for about 15 minutes so I went outside to see if I could find him and he was on the phone to his ex girlfriend, who he is still good friends with and lives near to him..

I don't know what came over me but I started saying I felt second best to her, and started questioning him on the circumstances of their break up and doubting his feelings for me. At first he attempted to reassure me saying he loves me, not her etc but I must have kept on about it and I really annoyed him as he said he 'doesn't need this shit' and that he doesn't have to justify his friendship with his ex as they have known each other for over 20 years.

I apologised this morning and said it was a mixture of too much alcohol, not enough sleep and pmt that caused my little outburst and I said that I didn't really think that way and I was unfair on him about it. He said he is concerned I feel that way and that I must feel it as I wouldn't have said it at all if I didnt!

Now, I'm really worried I've damaged our relationship. I've said it, and I can't unsay it.. We spent the day together but there was a tense atmosphere and I really don't know how I can reset the balance and get things back to how they were..

I know this sounds so trivial compared to other people's issues I've read about in here so for that I apologise.. It's just really worrying me.. I fear I've messed things up big style

excitedbutscared Sun 02-Nov-14 22:43:57

And now it seems he's avoiding talking to me.. I sent him a normal generic text (nothing heavy) and he has read it and is online (can tell from Facebook) but he's not responded.. Maybe I'm overreacting because I'm tired and already worried but I think I really have pushed him away :-(

Drumdrum60 Sun 02-Nov-14 22:49:38

Feel for you. He's not responding because he takes you for granted. I wouldn't be happy with him calling his ex while out with you. You had every right to be angry.

Be cool. Do something else and stop thinking about him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 22:50:36

I don't think it's a question of you damaging the relationship - although I can see why he would be annoyed. You're clearly uncomfortable, stressed and anxious about owning up to feeling insecure. Rightly or wrongly, you're suspicious of this female friend. If, after nine months, you haven't managed to relax and trust your boyfriend it's probably just not a good match. Don't waste too much time trying to make something that isn't working work..... especially not if you tend to blame yourself.

YouAreMyRain Sun 02-Nov-14 22:52:42

The first fallings out of a relationship are scary but inevitable.

You have apologised. You can't do any more now. The ball is in his court.

He disappeared to chat to his ex for 15 mins! You have every right to be upset and to express that.

Stop trying to be cool and just be honest.

If he can't cope with honesty from you, with you having feelings and giving him honest feedback, the relationship is built on sand anyway.

excitedbutscared Sun 02-Nov-14 23:00:12

He was much more open to talking about it this morning I must say.. He even said if it worried me that much he would cut off contact with her completely and that he hated the thought of me feeling like that and he would do whatever it took to reassure me.. But then I felt bad and told him he didn't need to do that and that I don't actually have a problem

Now I feel a bit manipulated

I'm glad you are mainly saying I was within my rights to be angry though...

YouAreMyRain Sun 02-Nov-14 23:33:59

I think maybe the problem is that you have confused him. If you had stuck to "yes it bothers me" he may have understood.

This morning you were trying to be cool about his ex but you actually ended up being dishonest. Admit you were upset, explain that this makes you feel vulnerable (hence the denial) and thank him for his understanding maybe? At least this way you maintain honesty and integrity and if he doesn't like it, move on.

SageSeymour Mon 03-Nov-14 00:12:40

Why was he off talking to his ex partner whilst on a date with you? How fucking rude of him.

Be upfront and honest with him. Maintaining a friendship with an ex partner - fine. Being out with your actual partner and wandering off for quarter of an hour to chat to ex partner for no good reason - not fine and rather disrespectful of you.

Just tell him: I felt you were being rude. You just went off and I find you talking on the phone to an ex. It's pretty disrespectful of you and that's the point I wanted to make.

You can then just leave it there after having made your point

Dirtybadger Mon 03-Nov-14 00:52:48

I'd be annoyed at a date wandering off unannounced for 15 minutes to take a phone call. Ex girlfriend or not...

I don't think you have much to gain by pretending you're not bothered by something you are bothered about. If it was completely irrational I'd say keep quiet and work on it (as it's "you not him") but as it's 1. Too late now and 2. Not completely irrational I'd just be honest.

PiperIsOrangePumpkins Mon 03-Nov-14 01:29:50

What I would say is that you hated the way he did it, it was the secrecy of the phone call that bothered you.

RainbowMamaDarling Mon 03-Nov-14 10:55:33

I agree you have the right to be annoyed at him for disappearing during your date. I guess he is thinking, would you have been as annoyed if it was some male friend you were talking to? I think he is right though excited surely you must really feel insecure about this friendship with his ex if you said it when drinking? I don't blame you by the way, I would be very uncomfortable with it.

I think you need to be honest with him, because he is probably confused but your two different responses. If it bothers you, then tell him. Don't worry about the balance in the relationship. He is bound to have some issues at some point, that's life.

excitedbutscared Mon 03-Nov-14 12:10:10

Thanks all.. some great and really helpful comments here

The thing with the phone call thing is that I was there for most of the weekend, not just out on a date, so I can't really expect him to give me his undivided attention for two whole days! Also, they are very close. They have been friends since they were 17 (now early forties) and his DD has a close relationship with her still. They had a 6 year relationship when they first met which didn't work out, and then another 5 year one until last year which ended just before he met me

I think my concerns are deeper than him just taking a call from an ex.. she seems firmly in his life and he would only resent me big style if I asked him to cut her out of his life. He has tried to reassure me that she is absolutely no threat to me whatsoever.. she has in fact just moved in with her new man too but I think there is already problems there.

I still feel that in saying what I did has caused a problem now that he is constantly going to be worrying that I don't feel secure in the relationship and just think that immediately creates that unbalance which is so hard to hide! Once someone knows the other is needier or more emotionally invested than the other, it naturally and instantly makes the other recoil. That's what I think anyway and that's what I'm worried I have done :-(

YouAreMyRain Mon 03-Nov-14 12:33:59

Stop fretting about power imbalances. Be true to yourself and decide what your relationship boundaries are. Maybe you are happy for them to speak but not for him to sneak off and speak to her etc? Maybe speaking once a week is enough and everyday is too much? Only you can decide what works for you and where the line is.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Nov-14 12:36:41

A relationship of nine months shouldn't be anything like this much work or cause this much anxiety. Sadly, get to your forties and most people come with some kind of 'baggage'.... exes, children, etc. For the relationship to work, the baggage has to be manageable for all concerned. Requires a lot of sensitivity all round to find the right balance, build trust and create a few workarounds. If you're struggling to cope and you're not finding solutions that work for you as a couple then don't blame yourself ... but don't waste more time either.

sonjadog Mon 03-Nov-14 12:42:44

Firstly, you can't unsay things. The only thing which helps with that is time. Time really is the best healer for stuff like this.

Secondly, you can't have a relationship with this man where you are trying to hide your true self and your feelings and insecurities all the time. You need to be honest with him about how you feel. Really honest and never mind the power imbalance. If he is the right man for you then he will accept you for who you really are. Wouldn't it be great to show him what is really going on inside?

Is this anxiety a recurrant problem for you? Have you tried getting help for your anxiety? Maybe a trip to the GP might be a good idea.

excitedbutscared Mon 03-Nov-14 18:48:00

Hi

Yes, it would feel amazing to be completely open with him.. But my anxiety I feel is so over the top I think I'd freak him out!

I have been suffering with this anxiety for about 9 months now but only since I met him

I'm not sure if it's related but my first husband who I have 2 DD's with cheated and left me for someone else and I was completely devastated. It took me a long time to come to terms with it

Since then, I have had 2 relationships but with men I would consider to be 'safe bets'.. But I ended up ending them because they weren't really meeting my needs. I finally met this guy who is absolutely amazing but I almost feel I'm not good enough for him or he'll not stay interested in. That causes me this constant anxiety

I really don't know how to handle it

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Nov-14 18:58:44

It's too one-sided if you are with someone who you think is too good for you. It can never be healthy when you're always tippy-toeing around being ... what? ... grateful for his attention? You're already compromising your standards, suppressing your feelings and you're seeing yourself as some kind of damaged lunatic which can't be doing any good at all for your self-esteem and confidence. It doesn't mean he is a bad person, necessarily, but the whole thing doesn't sound right for you.

rumred Mon 03-Nov-14 19:15:57

so he and ex have had 2 attempts to have a relationship? no wonder youre anxious; I'd be wondering when they'd have a third go. could this be going on in your unconscious?

excitedbutscared Mon 03-Nov-14 19:19:05

Yes, I have thought that.. But I don't want to end up settling for second best as I know I'll never be happy

It's really only when I'm not with him.. When we're together, he's attentive and affectionate and always saying how in love with me he is (apart from the phone call thing)

When we're not together, I immediately start panicking about things and not sure if it's all in my head or not

For instance, because of what happened over the weekend, I'm more anxious than usual. He hasn't been in touch all day apart from a 'good morning' text in response to one from me.. I texted him about an hour ago asking how his day has been and stuff and I've not heard back. Usually I would get about 5 messages from him a day but not today. One side of me believes he is fed up with me and backing off and the other thinks I'm just feeling low and it's all in my head... I don't want to completely freak him out telling him how I feel but also need to deal with this so it doesn't keep happening

excitedbutscared Mon 03-Nov-14 19:31:04

Yes rumred.. It does :-(

rumred Mon 03-Nov-14 21:29:20

Im not sure many people would feel secure with this set up, so don't be too hard on yourself.

and changes in communication behaviour are sure fire anxiety inducers, for me at least

I don't know how you get round this. concentrate on other parts of your life more? talk to mature friends about it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Nov-14 07:37:23

You're way too reliant on this man's affection, I'm sorry. That's unhealthy for you and it's not great for him either. The kind of relationship where you're clocking the time between text responses or worrying yourself silly that there is no 'X' at the end (I'm guessing...) is slipping gently into the obsessional.

You could lay it all out on the table and let him choose whether to carry on or not but that's putting your life in his hands and I never think that's a good basis for a relationship. Better to be in control of your own life. If you don't like who you are when you're in this relationship and what you're mostly getting out of it is insecurity and anxiety, is that the life you want? If the idea of him backing off is so terrifying, is that how you want to live? I come back to the fact that it's only been 9 months. Plenty enough time to judge if something's working.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 04-Nov-14 07:44:02

you need to let him come to you. Back off, stop texting, give him space and he will come back. Then you can have a serious discussion about what you are comfortable with re his ex.

sonjadog Tue 04-Nov-14 09:11:46

Why not tell him you are anxious and explain why that is? You have good reasons from past experiences. Sometimes supressed emotions grow bigger and more significant than needs be and when we express them they stop dominating us in the way they have been. It sounds like things have gotten very pent up inside you.

However, I would also leave it for a bit before contacting him. It sounds like a little space for a day or two might be a good idea.

mariposaazul Tue 04-Nov-14 09:44:56

I'm not sure it's good to discuss the source of yr anxieties any more at this stage - he might think you are projecting onto him what another man did to you.
Also it would be unreasonable to expect him to drop a friend of 20+ years so you need to decide if you can live with it or not. You imply she called him - maybe to discuss her current relationship problems - & you can't hear anything at a gig so it's reasonable that he went outside. And when a friend needs to talk you don't cut them off so he might have wanted to come back sooner but felt unable to.
I hope you both get past this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now