Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Why does ex still bother me?(15 Posts)
Hi all I am a regular but have named changed.
Finally got my divorce through - yippee!
My ex of over 20 years has, in my opinion and that of all our friends who do seem to want to voice their opinion, has been unreasonable on all levels.
Without making this long and tedious but not wanting to drip feed, ex hasn't done the decent thing regarding any aspect of the divorce. I don't expect to be best friends with him but had hoped that he would at least have cared more for our dcs.
He left us in substantial debt to the point where I have been threatened with a repossession order on the family home . He didn't have the decency to tell me about the secret debt he had been accruing to pay for his seedy lifestyle.
He wouldn't pay towards this debt or the mortgage, wouldn't agree to me taking over the debt and mortgage.
Wouldn't commit to seeing the dcs, has broken their hearts to the point where my dd1 has been referred both to counselling and the gps by her school who have been incredibly worried about her due to herfather's actions. She is embarrassed to be related to him and wants us to move away where nobody knows who she is.
Ds has been put on report so that he has a male member of staff to monitor him and offer support.
Ex has packed in work so as to avoid paying any maintenance.
On the incredibly rare occasion when the dcs are permitted to see him he tells them that he will not feed them and not to ask for food infront of his gf(who was ow) or her 4 dcs.
He never, ever sees them without gf being present my eldest dcs hate her.
Today, after a difficult spell with my ds I told him to ring his dad and tell him he would be coming to see him as I needed a break. Things had got physical and I needed ex to speak to him.
Well ex basically told me to go and fuck myself. He was going out with his gf in an hour and no ds could not go. It's a 5 minute walk. He told me that dcs is my responsibility and not his.
I know my ex is a knob. Feel this is so unfair . He is destroying my dcs.
Thanks for reading.
I shouldn't have rung ex but he does absolutely nothing. Sneered down the phone at me to sort out my son(who is biologically his).
Why am I letting him bother me, perhaps it's the thought that only a psychopath could be so cruel.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
He bothers you because you're basically picking a wound and won't let it heal.
If your X is so unsupportive and undermining I'd have thought you and the DC would actually be better off going no contact at all with him. Trying to get him to help out when things are tough at home is just going to confuse the children and grant your X power over you.
I know it's hard work on your own and ex sounds like a complete knob. But ....you are now not together so you cannot expect him to answer to you when you want unless it's an emergency etc. To expect that he will will leave you frustrated and upset and gives him power. And you don't want to do that!
He sounds disgusting. You are so much better off avoiding any contact.
Yes I have been nc but really needed some help. Should have said dcs is 15 so it's not a case of me being able to lock him in his room if he is naughty.
He won't talk about his dad. I have left contact upto the dcs. Dd1 (17) has decided to go nc. Totally her choice. But she is heartbroken as her father openly dotes on his gf dcs.
I would prefer nc at all but I cannot stop dcs seeing him, they are not babies and yes with hindsight should have known better than to assume dcs father would want to help.
I just wish he would stop the bitterness he feels towards me affecting his ability to do the right thing for his dcs.
Sorry you're in this situation. It sounds to me not so much that you are bothered about your ex but that you are still hoping against all the evidence that he will magically transform into a decent human being. Somehow that hope is also felt by your DCs who are reacting badly to being chronically disappointed. ... lashing out etc.
I would work on a strategy that quietly eliminates him from the picture. Explain to your DCs the harsh truth that Dad can't be relied upon, see if you can get them to buy into 'Team Mum' and be more cooperative, don't chase him up for visits or maintenance etc and take on 100% responsibility..... which you're almost doing already. Find other ways to get a break that don't involve him.
'You cannot expect him to answer to you' you should be able to expect him to answer to his son however, who's behaviour clearly demonstrates that he needs help. Your ex is behaving disgracefully. Is there anyone else you could ask for help with ds? Your df or fil?
Yes I don't ever chase him to see the dcs.
I never ask about their occasional visits.
I never ever ask about what ex is doing and I no longer chase case.
Just to clarify I asked dcs to clean up his room, he knew well in advance, he hit me and refused. My arm will be bruised.
This is why I wanted ex to have him.
I have also told all 3 that I am the only one doing things for them( they obviously know already) and that I won't tolerate this shitty behaviour.
Why would you send a troubled teenager to be with an unreasonable man?
Cogito- because he is his father and I actually believe that it's better for parents to work together if possible. Obviously this appears not to be the case which I think is bad for children.
Yes but it doesn't sound like it is possible so it's about facing the reality of the situation and not what should be however hard that is. Otherwise you and the dcs end up frustrated and rejected. And gives him power over you all.
Sorry you are going through this. Your XH is a disgrace and I know a bit how you feel. First, it is totally unjust and unreasonable that he is behaving so viciously towards you and his dcs. Second, there is no evidence to suggest he will ever change or improve. You have to accept that. I think that, naturally, you are having difficulty accepting that.
You still have a shocked disbelief that he can keep this up. And yes it is shocking. At some point the shock dissolves and you have to accept. This, for me, has been a rather prolonged stage. Obsessive thoughts about how appalling his behaviour is merely serves to reinvigorate that shocked feeling and around you go again. Keeping feeling shocked stops you gaining acceptance. And like other posters, you have to accept the situation as it it - it may sound harsh but you have stop going round and round how terrible it is. Otherwise you will never stop spinning. I am trying my best to do the same.
It seems to me that you need to adjust your expectations downwards - to around zero or thereabouts. This way you will never be disappointed. I am going through this with my recently-X H. No matter how much I tried to regulate my own expectations about the Decree Absolute, I wanted it to be a turning point. I realise I was putting some hope on it that my XH might start to become civil or put the children's needs first. The reaslisation that this will not happen has put me back a bit. I think I got my hopes up without quite realising it. I am resolved not to do this again. It's a two steps forward one step back kind of thing.
Don't pin your hopes on XH changing in any way. Assume that his default position from now on is 'utter tosspot' and re-calibrate your attitude accordingly. Play hardball. Tough it out. Get your friends and family on your side and be tough. That's all I can think of doing. Pleading, asking, suggesting, coaxing, persuading etc is all out of your repetoire from now on. You have to find other ways of getting a break, getting support etc. As others have said, asking him for ANYTHING give him power. Don't give him any power.
Finally, he is being cruel to your children. I don't see why they should have to see him at all. Do your children actually want to see him?
Stay strong and hang tough - even when you don't feel it.
You are right poppy.
My dd2 has told me she is going to her dad's on Friday .
I asked her why do she replied she wants to see him.
I'm not going to stop her although I do think they would be better to go no.
Anyway I have had my house valued and told the estate agent that I am desperate to move .
It was the family home and I am now in a state if mind to leave this area.
Doubt that ex will see dd2 as much then, not that he sees her regularly, and we will all feel much better then.
So many typos!
Been a better day today with the kids too.
Sending you support. He sound like a complete wanker.
I keep thinking my stbxh still has a reasonable side to him but got confirmation again today by his actions that he is a total tosspot all the way through.
Join the discussion
Please login first.