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What to do about past domestic abuse

(8 Posts)
Blueskyfluffyclouds Sun 02-Nov-14 11:16:11

If anything?
Reading a couple of threads has triggered something in me, I realised how badly my ex abused me sexually so this may also be triggering for others.
It's been something I've tried to just forget about, I haven't been able to confront it.
When I left it took all my energy, I had to find strength to leave, deal with his ongoing verbal abuse and court proceedings relating to the children.
I wouldn't be physically forced into sex, but if I refused I would face hours of him verbally attacking me, breaking my belongings, the house and plates etc. this would go on till the early hours of the morning so I would be desperate for sleep.
In the end I just went along with whatever he wanted to do, I would cry during it but had to try and hide it or he would be angry. And it was never just a quickie, always had to be well over an hour of it, more often hours of it.
I didn't want it, I was often too tired and he would hurt me trying to do things I just didn't want.
I hate him so much I can't look at him, he's disgusting.
Maybe just typing this out will be enough, I could never tell anyone else about it at least not yet. I can feel I'm getting stronger since leaving but can I just get over what he did to me?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 11:32:52

I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience. Typing it out might help, I don't know, but I think some things are just too traumatic to 'get over' without help. I believe an agency like Rape Crisis might be a good place to contact. They're there to help all victims of sexual abuse, past and present, and not just those who want to report crime. ... although seeking justice could be something you want to consider eventually. They can put you in touch with counselling services.

Hope you find help and peace.

Blueskyfluffyclouds Sun 02-Nov-14 11:57:48

Thank you. I have been looking at rape crisis and I do think counselling would be helpful.
I was using mn when I was in the relationship but even then on an anonymous site I couldn't address the sexual abuse, only the arguments and the breaking stuff and how controlling he was.
Kind of just coming to terms with it now, now I'm away from him and rebuilding my life it feels like I've got the headspace to start dealing with what's happened.
When we went to court I didn't claim legal aid but maybe if I'd started facing this earlier I would have been entitled to it and maybe it all would have turned out differently.i have never considered that I had been abused when looking at it now it so so clearly was, it's bizarre. How could it have become so normal...

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 13:08:46

What you're describing is really normal, don't worry. Ever seen a video clip of a bird mesmerised by a cobra swaying from side to side? That's kind of what an abusive relationship is like. You know you're in danger but, at the same time, the cobra is so fascinating, taking up all your attention that you can't move. It's incredibly difficult to break the spell so you should be really proud of yourself that you got out at all.

Once the adrenalin has worn off, you feel safe and you can think clearly that's you can look back and try to make sense of it. You can't rush that process so don't be too hard on yourself for not having done X, Y or Z earlier. You couldn't have done more than you did.

Do give Rape Crisis a call.

Blueskyfluffyclouds Sun 02-Nov-14 17:51:22

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, it really means a lot

Ihatechoosingausername Sun 02-Nov-14 22:18:07

Ack. I know how you feel. It's disgusting isn't it?

My ex was like that. He broke my laptop during one of his rage sessions. Another time he spent 8 hours having a go at me (he was on drugs and I timed it) and then decided to watch porn REALLY loudly in the front room.

When the memories come forth, such as now, I let them enter. It makes me feel horrible but I feel it's better than repressing them. Then I try to focus on something else (Luckily I have short attention span at the moment!). The best I can do is think of how better off I am without him.

Ihatechoosingausername Sun 02-Nov-14 22:24:46

I used to have to give in and stare at the ceiling throughout :S

ew ew ew it makes my skin crawl thinking about it :S I should really have just told him to f*ck off but I was stuck in a tiny village well away from friends and family (typical).

I feel a much stronger person than I was back then. It will NEVER happen again.

Ihatechoosingausername Sun 02-Nov-14 22:28:46

People will treat you how you let them treat you :/

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