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Why do I feel so pathetic?

(12 Posts)
stickydate65 Sun 02-Nov-14 09:46:34

H left just over a month ago after 24 years of a happy marriage for OW, (sorry don't know how to link original thread). I still feel so heartbroken, I cry constantly about everything! I feel so pathetic, I am a strong woman normally and usually cope with whatever life throws at me but I can't seem to get out of this big black hole I am in. Yesterday was H's birthday, such a hard day for me, we always had family birthday celebrations, nothing big, just enjoyed a special day together as a family. Children are old enough to make their own arrangements to see him if they wish to. DD1 was home from Uni for the weekend. DS wanted to see Dad for his birthday so arranged that himself, H then suggested the other two DC go to and I felt so distraught at them playing 'happy families' together, I wasn't sure if the OW would be there. All the kids don't want to see her atm. Anyway DD1 didn't really want to see him (she hasn't seen him since he left, partly because she is at Uni and partly because he has made very little effort to contact her), but I persuaded her to go because I don't want her to regret it in the future. She wouldn't buy him a card or present and used a generic card I had at home. DD2 didn't go at all but that's because she was out with her friends! It sounds like it didn't go well. DD1(age19) told him how much he'd upset everyone and how disappointed she was in him that he hadn't made any effort to tell her about OW or explain himself since! He got upset and said it hadn't been easy for him either!!! She is so angry with him right now. He told DS he had spent his birthday on his own all day. (no mention of where OW was) I feel so sad that he has destroyed our happy family, but also sad his birthday was such a horrible day for him. I shouldn't care but it hurts so much. I wanted to text him or send him a birthday card but I didn't, but that felt so wrong too. I have so enjoyed having DD home for the weekend but I have spent most of it crying! Not fair on her I know , but I just don't seem to be able to stop! I feel so pathetic!

holeinmyheart Sun 02-Nov-14 10:15:57

You are sooo not pathetic. You have every right to be sad and disappointed. Your DH has stamped on your shared past and the future you thought you were going to have with him. I would like to do something awful to him for you, the rat.

However, this may not be the end. My advice is to try and gird your loins. Do not contact him under ANY circumstances. Sending him a birthday card is like thanking your executioner. Don't!
Please try and appear as though you are having the time of your life. Get your nails, hair done, buy new clothes, etc and go out with your mates. Don't let your children convey any messages to him that indicate that you are moping and desperate. Don't moan to your DC as they love him and will be torn between the two of you. Moan to friends instead.
Why am I giving you this advice? Well if you want him back and are prepared to forgive him, the less bridges you burn the better. There is strong evidence that within 6 months the errant DH realises what he has done/ grass is definitely not greener etc and wants to come back. This will be your opportunity to deliver a body blow to him .....Or not.
I know that eventually you might think his leaving was the best thing that ever happened to you and that may well be the case. However wallowing and beating yourself up will not make any difference to him. The wallowing and chest beating only affects you. Sorry
Try and keep busy, try not to bad mouth him too much and try and think how stupid he is to pass up on a wonderful attractive amazing woman like you. Stupid man! Xxx

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 10:19:26

You're not pathetic. 24 years is a long, long time and the end of a relationship is one of the most stressful experiences out there. No matter how badly they've treated you, it's really tough to switch off feelings for someone when you've been in the habit of caring for them. You want a harmonious family with no ill feeling between your DCs and their father and that's also pretty normal.

So you're not pathetic, but I think like a lot of people who find themselves suddenly alone against their wishes you are in shock, disorientated and depressed. The old reality of the family unit is not there any more, your DCs have to work out their own feelings and their own relationship with their father, he has to accept that his decision has consequences for which he must take sole responsibility (not whining to you!), and you have to start putting yourself first rather than trying to fix everyone else's life. It's a massive adjustment to go from being the one who gives all the love and support to needing it for yourself.

Who do you have IRL who can be strong for you? Also have you seen your GP?

stickydate65 Sun 02-Nov-14 10:41:17

cogito I have lots of friends IRL who have been very supportive, but they all have their own lives and I am sure will quickly get fed up with me going on and saying the same things over and over. I feel like a Jekyll and Hyde where the kids are concerned, I want them to have a relationship with their dad because I know in the future they might regret it, but I also feel so hurt and disappointed when they do have contact with him! It's feels like they're condoning what he's done! (stupid I know!) I try not to cry in front of them and go upstairs or out for a walk when I am upset, but they would have to be blind not to notice my red eyes and blotchy face. It's more difficult when we're out shopping or driving in the car and something sets me off, because there is no hiding place. I try not to talk about him in front of them or tell them what's been said because I don't want them to feel like they're taking sides and I don't ask then about their contact with him, my DS volunteers the information because he is a very open young man who doesn't understand the rules of relationships (sure there's some Aspergers there, but that's another story!) I don't want to say to DS don't tell me about dad because I don't know how he will take that! I am finding the no contact with him so hard, I miss him so much it's a physical ache in my heart and I still care about him and want to know he's ok. I try to put myself first but it's hard changing the habits of a lifetime.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 10:56:57

Please don't write your friends off so quickly. smile There will be a point when compassion fatigue sets in but not a month down the track. I wasn't married 24 years and I had no DCs when my exH left me for an OW but it took me months and months to stop feeling confused, stressed & teary at inappropriate moments. So go easy on yourself, let others keep listening and tell them that you appreciate them doing so. You'll return the favour one day, I'm sure.

Please talk to your DCs about what you need from them and also about how you are feeling. They sound reasonably grown up and presumably have g/f and b/f of their own? They probably know other families that have split up. So they can cope with being told 'I'm not having a good day today' or 'please don't tell me about what Dad's doing just at the moment because it's difficult to hear'. It's not dumping on them or asking them to take sides if you do this, it's about communicating honestly, supporting each other, being considerate and acknowledging that this is a very tough time for all of you. Hiding your emotions will worry them far more, trust me.

It is very hard changing the habits of a lifetime.... for all of you. You don't have to tackle it all single-handedly.

Dowser Sun 02-Nov-14 11:20:02

It's just been a month after a very long marriage and I know exactly how you feel.

It took me more than a few months, more like a couple of years and yes it does feel very physical. We were married for over 30 years. I was just like a weeping willow. I had lots of friends I could lean on for support...sort of share me out A wonderful mother and wonderful children who were very supportive.

It seemed like we'd all been sh*t on from a great height and yes it felt worse than a bereavement because there a proper ending if they'd died yet this was ongoing torture.

I was fortunate ( if you like ) that I had several friends who had also been cheated on or wre going through it like I was, so we swapped stories and propped each other up.

We would have great sob fests down the phone each night, or laugh or get angry...all very cathartic.

I made some great women friends at the time from some people I'd only known more casually and we are still good friends and almost all of us have gone on to good relationships, even better than what we had originally. In fact I'm only aware of one lady who chose not to meet someone else.

Accept every invitation you get offered. Never, ever refuse any no matter how much you don't want to go alone. WHy should you sit at home moping because one thing for sure, he won't be.

And finally, live well. Look after yourself like you've always done, explore new interests ...that's the best way to deal with a very difficult situation.

It does get easier. Allow about a month for every year you were together but of Course the latter months are going to be so much better than the first ones.

Dowser Sun 02-Nov-14 11:23:22

Forgot to add keep an journal. Write down all your feelings, hopes wishes, sorrows...just let it all pour from your head down your arm, through the pen and onto paper.

It helps when you go no contact.

I did this and kept it. I sometimes read it when I want a good laugh


Dowser Sun 02-Nov-14 11:24:10

Especially the bits that started...oh my dear darling!

Roflmao !!!

magoria Sun 02-Nov-14 11:25:46

He has made it a complete pityfest and all about him.

Your DD tried to explain how hurt and angry she is with him. Rather than an adult discussion (probably a little hard as he was selfishly cheating) he turned it into a wah wah you don't know how hard it has been for me.

He chose to give you up for OW. He chose to exclude you and what you used to do for him. He chose that from now on his birthday would not consist of your lovely gestures but whatever OW provided instead.

Do you honestly believe he spent his birthday alone? Or just didn't be honest about what he did and with who to try and get people to lay off the hard questions and feel sorry for him?

At the end of the day he decided what you used to do wasn't enough. He wanted what he has now instead.

Don't feel sorry for him. He has what he wanted.

magoria Sun 02-Nov-14 11:36:46

Sorry that probably sounds a bit harsher that I meant.

Just save your soft emotions for yourself. Look after yourself and concentrate on healing your wounds.

One day at a time.

stickydate65 Sun 02-Nov-14 23:56:03

magoria No I don't think you're being harsh, If I was offering advice to anyone else I would be saying just the same, but oh it's so different when it's you!

I know he has brought it on himself and therefore only has himself to blame, but I feel sorry for him all the same! I don't think he even considered that his kids would take the stance my DD1 has. She wants answers which he is too cowardly to give! I fear without them she will never begin to forgive him for the hurt and betrayal of me and her. She sent him a text this morning setting out exactly how she felt about what he had done and he hasn't replied! All of this was done without my knowledge and she only told me when we were discussing what was upsetting her just before she left to go back to Uni earlier. I feel bad that seeing me upset has perhaps prompted her to text him like that. I have tried very hard not to badmouth him, and I have tried to encourage all the children to keep in contact with him.

Notmeagain1 Mon 03-Nov-14 01:48:04

Oh sweetie, you are grieving the loss of a very long marriage. It takes time. You are allowed to cry and be upset. You are doing right by your dcs. Don't badmouth him, let them make their own opinions and their own relationship with him if they choose to.

Be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong. It takes time to heal from the end of a lpng relationship... Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. wineflowers

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