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Acquaintance being taken advantage of

(16 Posts)
perfectpeach Sun 02-Nov-14 09:45:53

I know someone who has learning disabilities and though she lives independently and holds down a job she is very, very childlike and easily taken advantage of.

She has been having a sexual relationship with a man who is getting married to someone else soon. It is clear that he is using her for sex but she thinks it's love and he's only marrying someone else to make his parents happy and given a choice he would be with her.

She is upset at the moment because she has seen pictures mutual friends have put up of his stag do where he is wearing a t-shirt with a photo of his future wife on it. She is upset that he is wearing a photo of his future wife and she is upset about the colour of the top because it doesn't suit him and is running around in circles fretting about why he would wear that colour. She is also upset that people are posting photos of her lovers future wifes' stag do.

I told her that all of this is natural and is to be expected of two people who are getting married and she shouldn't be sleeping with someone about to be married but she has denied they're in a relationship as they haven't had sex in three weeks.

She told someone we both know of how confused and upset she is by all of this and that person told her if she had a problem she should go to the wedding or the reception and tell everyone what her and the groom have been getting up to!!

She won't listen to reason, she can't comprehend what is happening, and I fear if she listens to that persons advice she is going to cause an emotional car crash at the wedding and no one she knows in this city will ever talk to her again

she's so vulnerable and can't grasp the situation she is in and what is happening

I feel like I should do something to protect her but I don't know what

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 10:32:24

Why would no one in the city speak to her again if she exposed this exploitative creep for the vile person he is? Is he in some kind of position of authority? Cheats are horrible people but there's something particularly nasty about those that abuse the trust of someone who is vulnerable.

Does your friend have any kind of support worker? Might that be a route to get her some help? And do you know the man yourself?

FrauHelga Sun 02-Nov-14 10:33:52

She hasn't got very good friends if none of them would speak to her if she told others what that man is like, does she?

Levismum Sun 02-Nov-14 11:02:45

That's awful, the poor women.

I think if it were a couple i knew, the bride might get an anonymous photo/text/ email.
You know what? It would do her a favour. Who would want to marry such a disgusting specimen of a man?

ImperialBlether Sun 02-Nov-14 11:08:39

I think this is one of the cases where the wife-to-be really needs to know what kind of a person she's marrying.

The relationship between this guy and your friend will end if his fiancée finds out, but it isn't a healthy relationship for her anyway and there's the very real risk that she will become pregnant by him.

He is such a creep.

perfectpeach Sun 02-Nov-14 11:29:25

I think she won't be spoken to again if she were to gatecrash the wedding and announce she's been sleeping with the groom, because of the drama and public humiliation it would cause.

I don't know the couple, I happened to walk past the wife to be in the street last week and only recognised her as after the acquaintance asked to borrow my laptop to look at something I found out she has been stalking the wife to be on facebook and tried using my account to do it because the bride to be has her blocked, so now the acquaintance has set up a fake profile to spy and glean information about the wedding. She has been obsessing over their relationship and wedding for months, for as long as I have known her.

It is public knowledge they were having an affair earlier this year but they were supposed to have ended it, not many people know it is still going on.

She doesn't have a care worker, the irony is she's a care worker herself.

Her father controls the bank account her wages go into to ensure her bills and rent are always paid, so that part of her life is taken care of, she can handle work ok, but when it comes to men she is very vulnerable. She only just managed to avoid being exploited by another guy a few weeks ago, or maybe she is still seeing him in private after people warned her off him.

She seems to get by, or get away with things. I happened to be with her when a work collegaue what's app'ed her and asked if her account had been hacked. What had happened was she had accidentally set a photo of her naked nether regions she had sent to the creep her her profile picture on what's app! She said she had been hacked and that is what it was put down to and nothing came from it and she corrected it in time before anyone else, including her parents, saw

perfectpeach Sun 02-Nov-14 11:30:22

as for getting pregnant she said that won't happen as she has the depo injection. She also believes the injections will protect her from STDs and won't be told otherwise

fackinell Sun 02-Nov-14 11:37:59

No, she shouldn't be encouraged to tell all, she is a vulnerable person and there's no telling what this creep
may do as a repercussion. Can you try a less softly softly approach and tell her he is marrying his fiancée because he loves her and is using your friend. She needs it blunt IMO
(And then lots of support.)

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 11:40:14

She seems to fall through the usual safety nets if she's not 'officially' a vulnerable adult. If it's public knowledge that this man is exploiting her, chances are the bride to be has stuck her head in the sand. Are her parents aware? All in all it's a frustrating set-up. Which means that you're left with the usual response to a friend on a slippery slope i.e. being on stand-by with the Kleenex when they hit the crash barriers.

How do you know her?

perfectpeach Sun 02-Nov-14 12:20:37

She's friends with a friend of mine so I met her through a party my friend held at hers and have been out on socials with her since and we went out for lunch and some shopping once which is when the what's app thing happened.

Her parents aren't aware, she has said only our mutual friend and myself know, though now someone else knows apparently, a friend of our mutual friend and I assume the mutual friend told them.

I have tried softly, softly and have tried blunt she either goes into denial or shuts down.

I am so worried, as is our mutual friend, about how she is going to react once the wedding happens. Our mutual friend has been invited to the wedding and reception and it is like the end of the world to her. She's going to be in pieces

fackinell Sun 02-Nov-14 12:39:52

That's really sad, Perfect. I honestly don't see what else you can do. Do you feel she may harm herself? If so you could maybe mention it to SS?

It may be the case that things will dissipate after the wedding and he will leave her alone. He'd be doing her a massive favour by dumping her and then all you can do is be there to mop up the aftermath. Poor woman. sad

Seriouslyffs Sun 02-Nov-14 16:00:18

Could you make a referral to social services? It sounds like she needs a SW.
Call your local council and ask for the Adult Protection or Safeguarding Co-ordinator.

Sister77 Sun 02-Nov-14 18:39:42

Can you talk to her parents? She sounds really vulnerable!
Agree with seriously SS also a good idea

Quitelikely Sun 02-Nov-14 19:36:25

Personally I think you should inform the bride to be. This man is obviously a complete dirt bag and does not deserve marriage and children whilst he screws around with vulnerable adults.


perfectpeach Sun 02-Nov-14 21:50:49

I can't report her to social services. I wrote why not and then deleted it as I don't want to out her or risk her losing her job as she works with vulnerable adults herself.

I don't know her parents. I was talking to our mutual friend earlier and the subject cropped up. Apparently the mutul friend also had a very blunt conversation today with her and now, apparently, she has gone over to the groom to be's house to end things. We, the mutual friend and I, doubt that will actually happen as she is besotted with him.

And sorry for the awful grammar and spelling in my previous posts, I have been so tired from a late night with overstimulated children after going to a firework display

perfectpeach Mon 03-Nov-14 20:53:26

I saw the mutual friend today who raised the subject of telling the acquaintances parents and I was in agreement so she said we should write something. Later on she facebooked me and asked what I think we should write so I said what I thought and she asked me if I was going to send it. I suggested she do it as she has known the person in question for years but she says she doesn't want any comeback on her as she doesn't have the headspace for it. So I am just curious if she has seen this thread... If you have 'L' I am very disappointed in you as I thought you were more of a solid friend than you are being

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