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I think my STBXH is drugging my DC...

(85 Posts)
Aliensloveunderpants00 Sun 02-Nov-14 08:38:49

Wasn't sure where to post about this, MN feel free to move!

I have 2 yo twins. They are both terrible sleepers; put them in their cots at around 7pm but they don't actually fall asleep until at least 9.30pm on a good day (lots of screaming and crying etc etc). Then they're up at 6am sharp, many morning as early as 4am. Their room is very quiet, they have comfy very good mattresses and it's not too hot or too cold.

They stay with their father every other weekend for two nights. DD1 (she's 11) always has joked about how at his they seem to sleep forever and have lie ins every morning they stay there. I just called her to chat and she said they're still sleeping and will only wake up at 9.30am as they always do; apparently they went to bed at 6pm and fell asleep straight away hmm and that really has got me thinking.

Now, a bit of backstory. Things between us are hell; he's a very abusive and at times violent man. From the moment I separated he's made it really clear he wants nothing to do with the twins (and yes, all DC are his). He doesn't brush their teeth or hair EVER (mixed race so completely knotted after two days), shoes on the wrong foot, constant nappy rash when they get back as well as terrible coughs/runny noses every time etc... he had them for a week during school holidays and for six days straight he didn't change their clothes, even to sleep!! (eldest sent a 'look how cute twinnies are sleeping in their grobags' picture six days in and there they were on the photo wearing the little dresses I handed them in a week earlier angry); DC1 confirmed they've been wearing them since day 1. A lot more things like this which makes me feel they are an inconvenient to him more than anything else (which he has made very clear on emails too).

I guess my question is, what can I do? Is there any way I can check whether he's drugging them to sleep so they don't bother him in the mornings/ evenings? I wouldn't put it past him and it's really worrying me.

Thank you

wannabestressfree Sun 02-Nov-14 08:41:10

After the summer incident I wouldn't be letting them go for a start. Take them to the doctors to be looked at

PamDooveOrangeJoof Sun 02-Nov-14 08:43:31

If he is violent and neglectful why are the children going to stay with him?

bluebirdonmyshoulder Sun 02-Nov-14 08:48:38

For goodness sake stop letting them stay with him. The suspicion that he's drugging them is bad enough but you have PROOF of all the other ways he neglects them so stop bloody letting him have them.

PotteringAlong Sun 02-Nov-14 08:50:35

If he wants nothing to do with them just stop them going. It doesn't sound like he'd be that bothered.

Aliensloveunderpants00 Sun 02-Nov-14 08:51:09

He's violent towards me (only on two occasions I've had to report it though) never the children. He is neglectful but only to the twins strangely enough, he treats eldest really well.

I have indeed considered stopping all contact (plenty of no shows and constantly arriving a couple of hours late to collect them) but D1 is a daddy's girl and she would never forgive me if I stopped her from seeing him, that's the only thing stopping me from going for sole residency.

treadheavily Sun 02-Nov-14 09:01:01

I mean this in the kindest way, please do everything you can legally do to prevent him from having the children until you are confident they are safe.

I agre with the poster who suggested you take your babies to the GP to be checked.

Perhaps phone NSPCC with your concerns and ask for advice. The nappy rash, not being washed or changed, concerns about being drugged - these are very serious matters.

I understand you want to protect your older child's relationship with hr dad but please don't do it at the rosk of the little ones' safety.

Round up some good, practical support for yourself and some legal advice, possibly through CAB?

Don't be shy to ask a good friend to help you through this. People will respect you wanting to keep your children safe.

I have a friend who allows her girls to go to their dad's despite the fqct they report similar care to yours. I have offered to have them instead of them going to him and I really mean it, but for whatever reason she continues to send them. I really wish I could help her and her girls have a better life; maybe you have a friend wanting to help you too.

DragonsDontFly Sun 02-Nov-14 09:02:11

Can't you just stop contact for the twins, seeing as they're the ones at risk, and still let your DD go? There's no way he should be having them on his own for entire weeks/weekends if he is treating them the way you describe.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 09:03:49

Your DD is 11. There are plenty of things 11yos think they ought to be able to do that a responsible parent would say 'no way'. She is not in charge here. If he is neglecting the children then you have to act and urgently.

BelleateSebastian Sun 02-Nov-14 09:04:24

Cant you get drugs tests from a strand of hair? or having I been watching to much JK?

PamDooveOrangeJoof Sun 02-Nov-14 09:04:44

Well have supervised visits for your eldest then and stop sending them to stay.

The other stuff is bad enough to stop contact but If he is drugging them he could kill them!

sooperdooper Sun 02-Nov-14 09:05:54

He doesn't want them there, doesn't look after them properly and he's been violent to you - why on earth are you sending them to him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 09:05:58

It's not for the OP to prove the forensics. smile It's enough that she has reasonable cause to believe neglect based on photographs and the account of an older child.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Sun 02-Nov-14 09:07:38

And what Cognito said.

This thread is really upsetting to read. Please stop sending your children there immediately.

If something happened when they were there you would never forgive yourself. And social services would take a dim view if you sent them knowing they were at risk.

Aliensloveunderpants00 Sun 02-Nov-14 09:08:53

Thank you all for your advice. It's just so hard isn't it? I just want to do what's best for them, and my eldest really is very attached emotionally to her father. I am completely sure were I to stop contact with him she would hate me.

I am going through the divorce process right now (sorting out financials as well as contact with them as he's not really sticking to what he previously signed) so will talk to my solicitor how to go on about requesting for sole residency.

Thank you again

GallbladderFairy Sun 02-Nov-14 09:12:00

Could you not send the twins but still send dd1? I really think you need to start documenting how they are sent, take a photo, with date and time stamp and now they come in, again with date and time stamp. Start a log of what you see, what dd1 says, nappy rash (obvs as no photos of this!!). Build up a case, then contact the right authorities to be able to stop contact.

Are your contact arrangements through the court/legal?

FolkGirl Sun 02-Nov-14 09:12:47

Why on earth are you sending them there? What would it take for you to protect them from him?

He has said he doesn't want them, he's failing to meet their vrry basic needs and you suspect he's drugging them.

You are currently putting them at risk. Stop it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Nov-14 09:12:49

All children are emotionally attached to their parents and it makes little difference whether the parent is a good one or not. She's not a tiny child and, whilst you don't have to give her all the details, you are entitled to say that, until certain things have been worked out between Mum and Dad, she won't be able to see him for a while. Put it under the heading of 'an adult decision' rather than engage in any further discussion. She may be annoyed or upset but she's unlikely to hate you.

RaspberryBeret34 Sun 02-Nov-14 09:13:01

How about stopping contact (or at least overnights) for the twins but still allow your eldest to go? The potential drugging is hugely worrying.

Aliensloveunderpants00 Sun 02-Nov-14 09:14:58

Sorry x-posts... good point about DD1 not being old enough at 11 to know what's best/safest for her. I just want her to be happy and after everything she's been through during the past year and a half I didn't want to add to that with a major thing like stopping all contact with her father.

It has been in my mind for a few weeks now stopping all contact (as I said he's consistently late and summer was hell as he kept being a no show without even an apology/explanation) so I'll definitely be talking to my solicitor about the best way of making it official.

Thanks again, you've all had helped so much already

Rnb Sun 02-Nov-14 09:18:02

For goodness sake stop sending your children there! Why would you do that?!

Aliensloveunderpants00 Sun 02-Nov-14 09:18:05

Contact arrangements were signed as part of the ongoing divorce proceedings (which I'm instigating) but he hasn't stuck to them, in fact I have a case open with CSA because once again he has reduced contact and it's having them a lot less days that he agreed (which obviously is a good thing, seeing the way he's trying them)

aNoteToFollowSo Sun 02-Nov-14 09:18:07

OP its easy to write 'keep them away from the bastard'. But a relationship with their father is a precious thing and not one so easily dismissed. I think you are right to encourage time with their dad as far as possible.

I dont know what you do about your suspicions. And I am not really advocating any one course of action. Yes, it may be right to stop your children going there. But it may be wrong too, despite the obvious inadequacies in care. But I am uncomfortable with the MN chorus of 'cut contact with the bastard'. Just wanted to say that it is never that clear or that simple, and to support you to do what your instinct tells you is best.

Good luck.

Aliensloveunderpants00 Sun 02-Nov-14 09:23:32

Thank you aNote. I agree it really is not that simple is it? We all want the best for our children and maintaining a relationship with both parents is part of that. It's just so hard knowing what to do so I appreciate you saying that.

I will def speak to my solicitor although I have a feeling he wouldn't object to me stopping contact with the twins which will makes easier.

Floundering Sun 02-Nov-14 09:24:05

OP- why can't DD1 go on her own??

If she has a good relationship with her Dad she will enjoy having him to herself & the twins will be safe with you.

(As an aside try putting their bedtime back a bit an extra hour up might wear them out better)

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